29 July, 2007
I can't believe it's already been a year. I remember every last detail like it was just yesterday. I miss him. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. I didn't want to look at anything. I didn't want to talk to anyone else. I wish everybody didn't come, although that's selfish. It's not like they care anyway. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.
01:11 / 0 comment(s) 
23 July, 2007
Another new single from SPITZ! The music video is so irrelevant and cute. I have no idea what the lyrics mean though, so it may be relevant after all, but you can always trust the Japanese to be random, eh?Anyway, I love their new album cover; it's blue, whimsical and has an unidentified animal on it (dog? rabbit?). xD
Oh, and I rejected the private tutoring in the end because it simply wasn't worth the time. I'll think about it again after I get my timetable next week, I guess.
Today I've been slacking at home. Haven't done that in a while. Catching up on newspaper-reading and drama-watching and book-reading and oh yes, that reminds me that I need to revise my Japanese vocabulary before I go for lessons tomorrow. I made a Powerpoint presentation of all the words that I'm learning right now as a sort of cheapo flashcard resource to aid in my learning of the language. I like to think that it's a clever move, but really, it isn't.
13:58 / 0 comment(s)
20 July, 2007
Have been feeling persistently strange for the past week, ever since I came back from orientation. I have theorised that it might be due to the whole away-from-home thing which disrupted my routine. I can't put a finger on exactly what it is; it's a little like I'm waiting for something to happen, like that something is on the verge of being about to happen, and there's a knot in my stomach which I'm trying to untie in the meantime as a result of all that anticipation.
I think it's because uni's starting.
I have about a week and a half left, I think. Online matriculation's on the first of next month, and Freshman Welcome Day is on the third. Not going for Union camp after all. Feeling that two camps are a bit of an overkill, although I felt a little pang of regret when I rejected my place. Besides, my schedule's full up next week. Am helping a friend who has to go overseas with her private tuition for a bit, though I'm not sure when she'll be back to take over. It's pretty damn far (try Telok Blangah) when I'm all the way in the west and it's an hour and a half trip. Goshdarn. I'd love to say that I like long bus rides, but I don't, really. However there's some money in it, and it's P1 and P3 level, which I'm used to dealing with, so it's all right, I guess. I've told the kids' mother that once uni starts we'll have to look at the arrangement again but until then.
I don't really like the idea of having my days full up. I'm one of those people who'd love nothing more than to vegetate at home and photosynthesise. But of course, that equates with loser-geek most of the time, so I'm trying to avoid that. Which is why I'm on a Path of Self-Renewal, on a mission to Become A Useful Person, and it dictates that I Do Something About Myself. However I'm being so typically me, in that I've only decided to do something about it at the very last minute, i.e. when uni is starting, rather than when I had a truckload of time to do deal with it.
I'm thinking of quitting my criminally low-paying Saturday morning job at the tuition centre, because I feel extraneous, and because I love sleeping in on Saturday mornings. That's another thing I have to talk over with my mother.
Perhaps the hardest thing I had to get used to is the almost crippling sense of isolation that I've had to deal with. It's not like I had many friends before, or that I had fewer problems then; I don't know why it's become more apparent only now, but it has. I don't know how to describe how I feel--resigned, maybe? disappointed?--about only having my mother to turn to. About having to turn to my mother. We've worked it out recently, or so I like to think, about having to communicate more, because there truly is no one else to talk to. Even if we wanted to, no one else would to listen (nor would we want anyone else to anyway, to tell the truth).
I've always had problems communicating my thoughts and feelings. Well, communicating in general (oh the irony). I admit that it's been the source of many of my social and personal problems. I admit that I probably don't have healthy, normal relationships with anyone. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on the edge of society, looking in. Craning my neck, hoping for a glimpse or sneak-peek into the lives of other normal people. It's hard being different.
So I was talking about the Path of Self-Renewal, where learning how to communicate better with my mother is one of its objectives. It's tiring, having to come out of my dark and cosy hidey-hole and into the bright, blinding sunshine of normalcy (or something resembling it anyway). But I'm trying. But I'm afraid (that) trying isn't good enough, because I'm going to uni soon, and if I don't try hard enough and find a set of good friends, I'm screwed.
Yes, I suppose that's the root of all the unease that I'm feeling. I'm just so terribly afraid I won't make any. Which is such a juvenile thing to worry about. But I get enough grief from myself so you can save it all. If you would excuse me, I'll go hide my rambling self away now, and negate all the effort I've put in toward getting on the right Path, because All This is Pointless.
I think it's because uni's starting.
I have about a week and a half left, I think. Online matriculation's on the first of next month, and Freshman Welcome Day is on the third. Not going for Union camp after all. Feeling that two camps are a bit of an overkill, although I felt a little pang of regret when I rejected my place. Besides, my schedule's full up next week. Am helping a friend who has to go overseas with her private tuition for a bit, though I'm not sure when she'll be back to take over. It's pretty damn far (try Telok Blangah) when I'm all the way in the west and it's an hour and a half trip. Goshdarn. I'd love to say that I like long bus rides, but I don't, really. However there's some money in it, and it's P1 and P3 level, which I'm used to dealing with, so it's all right, I guess. I've told the kids' mother that once uni starts we'll have to look at the arrangement again but until then.
I don't really like the idea of having my days full up. I'm one of those people who'd love nothing more than to vegetate at home and photosynthesise. But of course, that equates with loser-geek most of the time, so I'm trying to avoid that. Which is why I'm on a Path of Self-Renewal, on a mission to Become A Useful Person, and it dictates that I Do Something About Myself. However I'm being so typically me, in that I've only decided to do something about it at the very last minute, i.e. when uni is starting, rather than when I had a truckload of time to do deal with it.
I'm thinking of quitting my criminally low-paying Saturday morning job at the tuition centre, because I feel extraneous, and because I love sleeping in on Saturday mornings. That's another thing I have to talk over with my mother.
Perhaps the hardest thing I had to get used to is the almost crippling sense of isolation that I've had to deal with. It's not like I had many friends before, or that I had fewer problems then; I don't know why it's become more apparent only now, but it has. I don't know how to describe how I feel--resigned, maybe? disappointed?--about only having my mother to turn to. About having to turn to my mother. We've worked it out recently, or so I like to think, about having to communicate more, because there truly is no one else to talk to. Even if we wanted to, no one else would to listen (nor would we want anyone else to anyway, to tell the truth).
I've always had problems communicating my thoughts and feelings. Well, communicating in general (oh the irony). I admit that it's been the source of many of my social and personal problems. I admit that I probably don't have healthy, normal relationships with anyone. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on the edge of society, looking in. Craning my neck, hoping for a glimpse or sneak-peek into the lives of other normal people. It's hard being different.
So I was talking about the Path of Self-Renewal, where learning how to communicate better with my mother is one of its objectives. It's tiring, having to come out of my dark and cosy hidey-hole and into the bright, blinding sunshine of normalcy (or something resembling it anyway). But I'm trying. But I'm afraid (that) trying isn't good enough, because I'm going to uni soon, and if I don't try hard enough and find a set of good friends, I'm screwed.
Yes, I suppose that's the root of all the unease that I'm feeling. I'm just so terribly afraid I won't make any. Which is such a juvenile thing to worry about. But I get enough grief from myself so you can save it all. If you would excuse me, I'll go hide my rambling self away now, and negate all the effort I've put in toward getting on the right Path, because All This is Pointless.
23:04 / 2 comment(s)
14 July, 2007
I have so many things to say, but no way of saying them. I don't seem to be able to name to the shades of feelings in my head; none will do justice.
Anyway, orientation is over, made a couple of new friends, got sunburned pretty badly, had fun. Will see them all again once school starts for real in August. I'm a little apprehensive though, because I don't really know what to expect in school. I mean sure, I know about the course and modules and all that stuff, but will I find them difficult? Will I struggle to pass? Will I hate the stuff I study? Will I find a group of good friends? Which CCA will I join? Will I have fun?
There was a sort of speed-making-friends-activity on the last day of orientation where we were split into two groups and made to sit at tables arranged in a ring around the hall. The group on the inner ring were to move one seat to their right every five mintues or so. We were to introduce ourselves to each other and pick a question from cups placed in front of us and take turns asking and answering them.
One of the questions went something like this: if you could turn back time and spend the day with anyone you wanted, who would you choose?
I could only give the person a crappy answer about wanting to meet my paternal grandfather who died before I was born, which is false on two counts because 1) I don't want to meet my paternal grandfather, and 2) he died when I was in Sec 1, not before I was born. I have absolutely no emotional attachment to him at all and I wasn't sorry at all when he died.
I feel kind of immune to death. When I hear that someone has died, I feel secretly glad. Glad that they too know the pain and emptiness and glaring hollow absence; glad that they too become newly aware of the precise position of their heart, because it is only in its absence that it becomes apparent.
I don't think I'm making any sense here.
I'm often disappointed in myself. Trying to think otherwise only makes me feel even worse, because the fact that I have to make an effort to think positive only underscores my shortcomings.
So I try to live one day and one incident at a time, and try not to make any mistakes.
By the way, Kings Of Convenience is my new love. Check them out:
Anyway, orientation is over, made a couple of new friends, got sunburned pretty badly, had fun. Will see them all again once school starts for real in August. I'm a little apprehensive though, because I don't really know what to expect in school. I mean sure, I know about the course and modules and all that stuff, but will I find them difficult? Will I struggle to pass? Will I hate the stuff I study? Will I find a group of good friends? Which CCA will I join? Will I have fun?
There was a sort of speed-making-friends-activity on the last day of orientation where we were split into two groups and made to sit at tables arranged in a ring around the hall. The group on the inner ring were to move one seat to their right every five mintues or so. We were to introduce ourselves to each other and pick a question from cups placed in front of us and take turns asking and answering them.
One of the questions went something like this: if you could turn back time and spend the day with anyone you wanted, who would you choose?
I could only give the person a crappy answer about wanting to meet my paternal grandfather who died before I was born, which is false on two counts because 1) I don't want to meet my paternal grandfather, and 2) he died when I was in Sec 1, not before I was born. I have absolutely no emotional attachment to him at all and I wasn't sorry at all when he died.
I feel kind of immune to death. When I hear that someone has died, I feel secretly glad. Glad that they too know the pain and emptiness and glaring hollow absence; glad that they too become newly aware of the precise position of their heart, because it is only in its absence that it becomes apparent.
I don't think I'm making any sense here.
I'm often disappointed in myself. Trying to think otherwise only makes me feel even worse, because the fact that I have to make an effort to think positive only underscores my shortcomings.
So I try to live one day and one incident at a time, and try not to make any mistakes.
By the way, Kings Of Convenience is my new love. Check them out:
21:48 / 0 comment(s)
08 July, 2007
Going off for orientation camp. See ya'll.
16:02 / 0 comment(s)