20 July, 2007
(2 ) 23:04 Have been feeling persistently strange for the past week, ever since I came back from orientation. I have theorised that it might be due to the whole away-from-home thing which disrupted my routine. I can't put a finger on exactly what it is; it's a little like I'm waiting for something to happen, like that something is on the verge of being about to happen, and there's a knot in my stomach which I'm trying to untie in the meantime as a result of all that anticipation.
I think it's because uni's starting.
I have about a week and a half left, I think. Online matriculation's on the first of next month, and Freshman Welcome Day is on the third. Not going for Union camp after all. Feeling that two camps are a bit of an overkill, although I felt a little pang of regret when I rejected my place. Besides, my schedule's full up next week. Am helping a friend who has to go overseas with her private tuition for a bit, though I'm not sure when she'll be back to take over. It's pretty damn far (try Telok Blangah) when I'm all the way in the west and it's an hour and a half trip. Goshdarn. I'd love to say that I like long bus rides, but I don't, really. However there's some money in it, and it's P1 and P3 level, which I'm used to dealing with, so it's all right, I guess. I've told the kids' mother that once uni starts we'll have to look at the arrangement again but until then.
I don't really like the idea of having my days full up. I'm one of those people who'd love nothing more than to vegetate at home and photosynthesise. But of course, that equates with loser-geek most of the time, so I'm trying to avoid that. Which is why I'm on a Path of Self-Renewal, on a mission to Become A Useful Person, and it dictates that I Do Something About Myself. However I'm being so typically me, in that I've only decided to do something about it at the very last minute, i.e. when uni is starting, rather than when I had a truckload of time to do deal with it.
I'm thinking of quitting my criminally low-paying Saturday morning job at the tuition centre, because I feel extraneous, and because I love sleeping in on Saturday mornings. That's another thing I have to talk over with my mother.
Perhaps the hardest thing I had to get used to is the almost crippling sense of isolation that I've had to deal with. It's not like I had many friends before, or that I had fewer problems then; I don't know why it's become more apparent only now, but it has. I don't know how to describe how I feel--resigned, maybe? disappointed?--about only having my mother to turn to. About having to turn to my mother. We've worked it out recently, or so I like to think, about having to communicate more, because there truly is no one else to talk to. Even if we wanted to, no one else would to listen (nor would we want anyone else to anyway, to tell the truth).
I've always had problems communicating my thoughts and feelings. Well, communicating in general (oh the irony). I admit that it's been the source of many of my social and personal problems. I admit that I probably don't have healthy, normal relationships with anyone. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on the edge of society, looking in. Craning my neck, hoping for a glimpse or sneak-peek into the lives of other normal people. It's hard being different.
So I was talking about the Path of Self-Renewal, where learning how to communicate better with my mother is one of its objectives. It's tiring, having to come out of my dark and cosy hidey-hole and into the bright, blinding sunshine of normalcy (or something resembling it anyway). But I'm trying. But I'm afraid (that) trying isn't good enough, because I'm going to uni soon, and if I don't try hard enough and find a set of good friends, I'm screwed.
Yes, I suppose that's the root of all the unease that I'm feeling. I'm just so terribly afraid I won't make any. Which is such a juvenile thing to worry about. But I get enough grief from myself so you can save it all. If you would excuse me, I'll go hide my rambling self away now, and negate all the effort I've put in toward getting on the right Path, because All This is Pointless.
I think it's because uni's starting.
I have about a week and a half left, I think. Online matriculation's on the first of next month, and Freshman Welcome Day is on the third. Not going for Union camp after all. Feeling that two camps are a bit of an overkill, although I felt a little pang of regret when I rejected my place. Besides, my schedule's full up next week. Am helping a friend who has to go overseas with her private tuition for a bit, though I'm not sure when she'll be back to take over. It's pretty damn far (try Telok Blangah) when I'm all the way in the west and it's an hour and a half trip. Goshdarn. I'd love to say that I like long bus rides, but I don't, really. However there's some money in it, and it's P1 and P3 level, which I'm used to dealing with, so it's all right, I guess. I've told the kids' mother that once uni starts we'll have to look at the arrangement again but until then.
I don't really like the idea of having my days full up. I'm one of those people who'd love nothing more than to vegetate at home and photosynthesise. But of course, that equates with loser-geek most of the time, so I'm trying to avoid that. Which is why I'm on a Path of Self-Renewal, on a mission to Become A Useful Person, and it dictates that I Do Something About Myself. However I'm being so typically me, in that I've only decided to do something about it at the very last minute, i.e. when uni is starting, rather than when I had a truckload of time to do deal with it.
I'm thinking of quitting my criminally low-paying Saturday morning job at the tuition centre, because I feel extraneous, and because I love sleeping in on Saturday mornings. That's another thing I have to talk over with my mother.
Perhaps the hardest thing I had to get used to is the almost crippling sense of isolation that I've had to deal with. It's not like I had many friends before, or that I had fewer problems then; I don't know why it's become more apparent only now, but it has. I don't know how to describe how I feel--resigned, maybe? disappointed?--about only having my mother to turn to. About having to turn to my mother. We've worked it out recently, or so I like to think, about having to communicate more, because there truly is no one else to talk to. Even if we wanted to, no one else would to listen (nor would we want anyone else to anyway, to tell the truth).
I've always had problems communicating my thoughts and feelings. Well, communicating in general (oh the irony). I admit that it's been the source of many of my social and personal problems. I admit that I probably don't have healthy, normal relationships with anyone. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on the edge of society, looking in. Craning my neck, hoping for a glimpse or sneak-peek into the lives of other normal people. It's hard being different.
So I was talking about the Path of Self-Renewal, where learning how to communicate better with my mother is one of its objectives. It's tiring, having to come out of my dark and cosy hidey-hole and into the bright, blinding sunshine of normalcy (or something resembling it anyway). But I'm trying. But I'm afraid (that) trying isn't good enough, because I'm going to uni soon, and if I don't try hard enough and find a set of good friends, I'm screwed.
Yes, I suppose that's the root of all the unease that I'm feeling. I'm just so terribly afraid I won't make any. Which is such a juvenile thing to worry about. But I get enough grief from myself so you can save it all. If you would excuse me, I'll go hide my rambling self away now, and negate all the effort I've put in toward getting on the right Path, because All This is Pointless.