qian (altessa), girl, 20, bespectacled, sci-fi, bookworm, more? aprilesque is version 7, photoshop7, original art, get your own, more? 5TORM Kathy, Dawn, Yingwan, Weiqi 05S34 class blog, Hui Fang, Jason, Poh Wei, Rachel, Wei Jie, You Jin, Yvette, Zirui friends Wen Lin, Natalie, Elyse, SozoS, Sam archives When browsing through the archives, please keep in mind that they are pieces of who I was, not who I am. People grow, people change, and I am only human. go? lyrics Hotspur - Heads/Tails, Stars of Track and Field - End of All Time, Dashboard Confessional - Hell On The Throat

Qian is happy! No school makes Qian happy. Seriously. I haven't had school for four days running and I'm feeling like sunshine.

Shall do a recount of my day. Haven't done those for quite a long time. I mean, my past few posts have been filed under Rants. And they haven't been very, er, happy. Yes.

Woke up at 7am this morning. Have no idea why. RPed a little. Rush gives me a lot of inspiration. As I said a post or two before, so far all of his posts have been breaking the 600-word mark, which is a lot for me. There's never anyone online at such an ungodly hour. You know, I used to wake up at 5.30am just to go online, way back in secondary school, because there were less people online (everyone was on dialup then, and because I'm on toll-free, it's hogged most of the time). YES, I HAD NO LIFE.

Left the house at 9am. At first I thought there were very few people, it being 初三 and all, because my bus was kind of empty, and not a lot of people got on at Boon Lay, but by the time I reached Jurong East, I realised this was not the case. =.=; Met You Jin at Clementi and we sat on the train all the way to Outram Park where we had to change to the NEL line to go Serangoon. Met Xin Yi on the way there, so sat (or rather stood) to Serangoon MRT.

We were late, actually. We gave ourselves one hour. Apparently it takes 1 hour and 20 min to travel from my house to Serangoon MRT. I shall keep that in mind. When we reached there, quite a lot of people were already waiting. It seems that we were one of the last. Hmm. Oh yeah, I have to say this: Jason looked like an Ah Beng. Like seriously! White collared long sleeved shirt, black work pants and leather shoes, PLUS a chain and a GOLD RING. Yeah. I was endlessly amused at his attire.

We walked to Ms Yang's house which was, no offence, quaint and a bit on the... small side, seeing that SO MANY people came. About 20, all told. And later in the day 05S31 came to visit too, and it was really so crowded I couldn't breathe. I didn't spend most of my time doing anything in particular, although I know I played a round or two of Asshole Taitee (have no idea how to spell) but there were so many people playing, about 10 of us, that we gave up after a while, even after using two decks of cards, which made for very awkward playing.

Oh yeah, we took out the Twister set to play with and DEAR LORD, it's the most obscene game ever made in history. X.x; Too bad I don't have pictures. Once I get my hands on them I'll post links. You've got to see 'em, they're just so... wrong. T_T And for the first time in my life, I gambled. YES, Qian gambled has never gambled with real money before, believe it or not. We were playing Blackjack and it's super addictive. Haha. At one point I had -$15. Yes. MINUS. But eventually I broke even when the game ended. Phew. Wei Jie ended up with the most losses, then Poh Wei, who was the banker (but he won $40 yesterday... blah), then me who didn't win or lose, then Jason (I really can't be sure if he lost money or won any... in the beginning he seemed to be winning a lot, but after that I wasn't really sure), and the big winner was You Jin, who walked away with $10. YES, TEN DOLLARS. Our bets were about $1-$3 per game.

We had lunch at Ms Yang's house, which involved lots of pizza (how many? I didn't count... at least 6 perhaps?) and lots of KFC. It wasn't a lot, I think, because we have a very hungry junior class *cough6Kcough* We also had a lot of fun calling her and her boyfriend Uncle and Auntie. Mweehee. So fun to tease people.

Anyway we left at about... I have no idea, 3pm or something, and went somewhere in Hougang (the east area really confuses me) where there was Kbox and Kpool. I have no idea why no one wanted to play pool, seeing that they went there to play pool in the first place, but we tried going to Kbox, only to find that the rates were for rooms until 9pm and were about $15 which we didn't find worth it, so we left. Instead we went to Hougang Central (or whatever shopping centre is near the MRT station, those places have similar names) and played the arcade there. Hmm you can see I'm quite blur, but I'm only unsure of the times because I no longer wear I watch. I used to, then sometime over the holidays last year I stopped, and I just never got back into the habit this year.

Sorry for digressing. We spent most of our afternoon at the arcade, playing various things like Daytona, Time Crisis, DDR and what have you. But what enraptured our class(-es? a small part of 6K and 3 seniors from 34) was the drumming game. Damn! I can't remember what the name of it was. It's like DDR, only with drums. Yeah. We were damn addicted to it, and started playing the "nonstop" setting (that's the fastest, most crazy setting) as a class, with each person controlling a different drum. Haha. We must have played it about 4 or 5 times, and once we cleared three stages at the "nonstop" setting. I wasn't very good individually. I could clear the "beginner" level setting with some difficulty, but couldn't pass the "standard" mode's first level. Bleh.

After obsessing over the drum game (I'll have to settle for that, seeing that I can't remember the real name of the game) and ending up with Anne feeling dizzy and Keat Ming with a sore palm, we went for dinner at the upstairs foodcourt. Ate Korean food! It isn't even as bad as Korean foodcourt food goes. The worst is the one at Bugis Junction. *shivers* I would even venture to say that it was edible!

After dinner, we all went home, going our separate ways. Our juniors have an econs test tomorrow, and everyone was fretting over Physics and Maths tutorials and such. Heh. I'm quite surprisingly, not too alarmed over my studies. Three subs is really really different. I feel SO MUCH better. I feel like I can BREATHE. I don't feel like killing myself all the time.

Yeah. Am quite "high" from today. Dunno if you can tell, but I find it quite obvious because it's not often that I'm "happy". It doesn't feel like I have school tomorrow. Just the thought of it sobers me. I have actually promised myself that I'll run one big round (1km) tomorrow after PE. I don't know if I'll actually do it. You know, preparing for cross country and NAPFA and all that. And we must be fit and healthy... and stuff. Hmm.

It's 初一 today! 恭喜发财 and all that. This year we're not really visiting many relatives. Hurray for me. I hate visiting relatives. Not that I don't like them. It's just that I hate smiling to them and pretending that life is good when it really isn't. And all those smiling aunties... they have vicious tongues. And cousins. Seeing them again would be weird. *sigh* I don't know. Haven't seen them for a year or so anyway. Don't really feel close to any of them anymore.

Talking about degrees of closeness, I don't seem to feel very close to anyone right now, 5TORM not included, of course. Everyone else is just like an acquaintance who sees only certain sides of me. A close friend is someone who knows you inside out. Maybe not all of you, but most of you anyway. And they know you enough to be able to predict what you'd do in certain situations even better than yourself, because they know you from the outside, and that's more accurate. Heh.

New layout. This is number seventeen! Seventeen summers. Just like I'm seventeen summers old. Although I like autumn best. However there are no seasons here. Just perpetual rain.

I love lime green. I don't care if you go blind.

Anyway, song lyrics are from the most awesome song, King of Bloke and Bird by Robbie Williams. He rocks. It's the song that I currently have playing on loop for about two or three days now. Erp.

Hmm yeah. I edited/updated the "who" page thing. If you're bored you can go read it again. Hmm.

You gave me happiness, only to take it away. Why can't you just let me have it?

CNY celebrations in school today! Actually spent most of my time stoning around school with Yue Jia. Oh yeah, got back my 16PF, which is some personality test thing that we're made to take by the school. Other classes all got it back last week, so ours is late. =.=; But anyway. Had the usual CNY programmes thing, except that for some really odd, warped reason, there were these classes performing that stupid CNY song by 5566 (no offence, but I really don't like it), which turned out to be so lame and O.O that I was like OMG-ing all the way and rolling my eyes. And they had to play the same song 3 times. I have no idea why.

After that there was the annual street market thing and our junior class sold the same thing as we did last year, tang1 yuan2! And like us, their powerpoint failed. >.< So they started cooking their tang yuan at some really odd spot opposite our class bench, near the audi. From what I found out, they earned some money (and didn't lose it, like we did....), which is not bad. Yay!

Mmm. After that we had a mass dance session, then the fac dance competition thing. It wasn't actually bad, except that Rachel was MIA and I had to take her place. Aarrrrgh. Qian cannot dance. =( But anyway yeah. Hope no one was following me or anything.

Went to meet 5TORM at Chinatown after that! The bus took damn long to come. Was taking 171 from school to Newton then MRT to Chinatown. Drrr. The bus was super packed and I had to miss the first one that came. And when I boarded 171, I was standing in a really odd place with nothing to hold on to except the dangly thing from the ceiling, which is too high for me to hold on to comfortably. After I got off at Newton, the journey went on more or less smoothly.

I reached in time to have a full 5TORM meeting, with Dawn there, 'cos she left soon after I arrived anyway. Actually there's nothing much to say, except that we stood around and talked most of the time. Met some sec school friends there too, hehe. After we felt too hot and too tired to stand at the stall anymore, we bid Weiqi goodbye, and then went to Taka to get Meow's mum's very very belated Christmas present. Heh. After that took 174 home because I really couldn't be bothered to find a seat/squeeze in the MRT.

When I think about it, I didn't really do many things today. But I'm ever so glad to see 5TORM again, no matter how sporadic our so-called gatherings are. Ooyes, Kbox next next Sat! Yayyy. XDDD

I'm digging my own grave. Every spadeful of laughter, happiness and joy that I see just makes it deeper. The earth moves like blood in my hands, a fluid graininess that has seized the soil, until even I began to feel it drip and stain me red.

My life is sadness. With happiness interspersed throughout as mere stopgap measures to prevent insanity from creeping in. But black always bleeds, this ever-consuming entity that seems to have a mind of its own, into a grey wasteland that goes on for an eternity without end. There are no trees, no textures, no twittering birds, just mile upon mile (American, I know, but kilometre upon kilometre just doesn't cut it) of the same, flat monochrome.

Most of the time you stand in the periphery of my vision. You are holding a knife between your trembling fingers. And every time you hear laughter that is not mine, the blade goes straight to my heart, in and out, clinical and precise, the pain shooting upwards like lightning, a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. I could have run away, I could have shirked from your strike, I know you would not follow, but still I sit, unyielding, as the knife opens new wounds as old ones heal, stabbing, stabbing, until my blood just doesn't know where to flow anymore.

I try to look up at your face when you're doing this, but I can't see. My eyes are hazed by pain and tears. Maybe you were the one laughing all this time.

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, “I miss you son. Come home”
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was mine
The love I’d wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so’s
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you
- I So Hate Consequences, Relient K

I had a fever yesterday. Bah. And I felt horrible the whole day. But the thing was, I didn't actually have a temperature until I came home at about 6pm, when I felt like dying at 6am. Ah well. That's such a physical manifestation of me. No one ever knows, or no one can ever tell, how I'm feeling inside. No matter how crappy, shitty or wanting to die I feel inside, it somehow doesn't show, or doesn't get communicated. I don't even have a mask on. I'm just someone with an opacity at 10%. Fading, fading, faded. Maybe dead. But we aren't really sure are we? She looks alive. Look, I think she might still be breathing. *poke* She's not responding... but let's leave her alone, maybe she's just asleep. *people wander off in search of more interesting endeavours* I think I'm just about as interesting as a patch of wilting grass in the sunlight. Oh wait, maybe that's even more engaging than I am.

5TORM: Very sorry for not turning up yesterday. Something cropped up at home, like I said, but I'd prefer not to talk about it. If you really want, you can SMS me, but I don't even know how to put it in words, so.

Anyway, I decided to switch characters at WWS, but I have to wait until my request is approved to do so. Raar. Otherworld's this other RP I'm on, and I love the plot. Go take a look: http://s15.invisionfree.com/Otherworld_ Copy the URL yourself, because I'm too lazy to type HTML and make a link. Bah.

I don't have much to say, actually. I think I'm going to be good and do homework. Or something. Just because.

Hehe. Today's choir was so slack. 'Cos it was Mrs Goh's farewell today, we didn't have practice. There was food, music and singing! We even got Chee Yang to sing. XDDD After that went for dinner with Gong Yue, Wen Qiang and Karen at Thai Noodle House. Mmmmm, their Red Ruby is heavenly. *sigh* I'll never pass up a chance to eat it. Heh.

You know one thing I really really want? The soundtrack to American McGee's Alice. I haven't actually tried looking for it, but I'm willing to bet that it isn't on sale in Singapore. Because of it, I'm willing to try some of Nine Inch Nail's songs, but I haven't got around to it yet. Chris Vrenna is a genius. Soundscape is the world he creates.

Going on a long-awaited outing with 5TORM tomorrow. Chinatown, here I come to infect myself with some CNY cheer! I'm not a big CNY fan. In fact if I had my way, I'd just stay home the entire CNY holiday. But it's disrespectful and all that. Blah. Guess I'll just bring a book along and try to look like I'm not reading it. It's not even the new year and already I'm planning on what to do on my visits. Hmm.

Am quite tired for some reason. Nowadays I'm tired with no reason. Argh. I'm so lousy. Bleurgh. *is making random noises*

Meow: RAAAAAAR.

Nat: YES, our guys are SOOOOO strong this year. It's like, almost half-half mix of guys and girls in thie year's batch. Ms Lim really like NJ J1's singing though. Haha. Oh did you know? The xiao4 yuan2 superstar guy from my school's in choir. Heheheheh. I just hope he doesn't up and leave to join council after first 3 months though.

Today was tiring. Blahhhh. Had a 2 and a half hour break again, before PE. Went out to buy Delifrance! Like YAY! Because I had money. Then again, only because the money I'm using is actually er, next week's allowance. I think I'll starve next week. Mehh. T_T

Oh, and the GP TIME subscription money has been paid up! I'm soooo relieved. Ugh. I hate collecting money. I hate being a GP rep. I hate my GP lessons. I dislike GP? Heh. Don't really hate the subject, just the lessons. I had a whopping $579.20 with me the whole morning today. Heh. Was on the verge of being robbed. >.< After finishing my very very nice lunch, I went to stone with Yvette in the comp lab. Haha. Really really stone lor. I totally didn't do anything useful.

Talking about online stuff. I'm seriously considering on switching characters at Wild Wolf Society. I really don't identify with Clavius at all, and there's this other place where I'm joining as Tod... and wow. Roleplaying Tod is so different. I love Tod! *hugs him* We just connect. I'm seriously considering switching from Clavius to Tod. Waaaaha. T_T How? I don't really want to switch characters, seeing that I've hardly joined for more than a month... but I'm really having problems roleplaying Clavius. Like I was telling Kathy yesterday, you could substitute any other name in place of Clavius's and it'll sound all right. He's not special. He had no personality whatsoever. And it's because of this that I don't really feel like roleplaying now. I mean, part of me WANTS to write, but when I think of what to write as Clavius, I falter. Ah well. *is in a dilemma* A solution is to revamp Clavius's character, but for me, I find it difficult. I don't know why. Right now I can't envision any other way from playing Clavius. Raaaar.

PE was super ugh. Had to run two big rounds around the track, one round being 1 km. But I slacked a LOT. Walked up the slope, and walked intermittently on the pavement by the road. Haha. I am a big S-L-A-C-K-E-R. Oh, but after that we did jumps on the stairs which was quite fun but tiring, then did situps. Mehhhh. Oof. And the day before they made us do push-ups for PE and my arms want to die. I'm not exactly the most fit person in the world. Hello, I'm in choirfor goodness sake. =.=;

After PE we went super late for CLAO. Haha. *sheepish* Like, half an hour late. But our teacher was there, and he's REALLY nice and funny and super slack. We just went there, handed in our homework, took our worksheet, and were allowed to go. XDDDDD

Had fac dance prac after that. It was almost cancelled, actually, because it didn't look like there would be many people. But most of 6F came because their class ended just then. And some other people too. Not too bad, we could make 4 rows of about 10 or so. And the J1s finished learning the moves for the first song! Ohhh, but Ares fac dance is so cool. Blah. I want to learn it. I bet they'll win the CNY dance competition. *sigh* Artemis is always last. Like me.

I can't help but feel that everything I join or participate in is bound to fail. Really. It's happened so many times already.

And ARGH. My bus took so long to come. At about 7pm, all you find is 174e, the stupid, retarded, express service that skips our bus stops. AND NO 174 COMES. *screams* I ended up taking 157 which takes a longer time. And I don't like their route. RAAAARR. *extremely dissatisfied with SBS*

edit: there's a damn annoying bug in wordpress. i can't open and close more than one tag, i think. any other tag i open other that won't close proplery, i.e. wordpress DELETES my closing tag. ARGH. *pulls hair out*

in other news, i haven't been doing homework. all i've been doing is coming home, eating dinner, checking posts online and blogging, then bathing and falling asleep. alersjfsglfjeirjf. i need. to. stay awake. raaar.

DOG - Your daemon may be a dog if you are loyal and caring, and like to know what is expected of you. You probably are very family oriented, and have a small group of friends that you are very close to, rather than a large group of acquaintances. You dislike confrontation, but you will stand up and fight for the people and issues that you really care about. You may prefer someone else to take the lead in a situation, although you would rather take the lead yourself than have the situation fall apart. You probably enjoy routine and order, but that doesn't mean you don't like to have fun. If anything, your friends probably know you for getting intense, child-like pleasure in the small things in life.

What Is Your Daemon?
brought to you by Quizilla

------
Hmm, it's quite true. Yay! I love accurate results. Especially the bit about leadership that I bolded.

Sometimes I wish you didn't exist.

Been feeling anti-social lately. Just want to be alone and mope and stuff. Went to the computer lab like, twice today. I posted at WWS during a break. Cool, eh? Maybe this way I can keep up with my posts. They're the only thing I willingly do anymore. CLAO sucks. Argh. And today I missed 174 just as I was walking out of school. Rrrrrr. I hate waiting for the bus after school when I have no CCA, because I'm bound to meet people I know. And I don't like that. And I had to sit at the seat I dislike. And it was so freaking cold. Rrrrr.

And GP sucks like shit. I don't want to be the GP rep. It's such a crappy job with no rewards whatsoever. And I have to collect all the stupid money for TIME magazine. And I think I screwed up the order. Like ugh. I always screw up everything I do. Every single damn thing. Can you tell I'm refraining from cursing too much? I've been doing too much of it lately. I was going to insert a "fuck" after every other words. But see? I have self-control. *cough*

I'm complaining too much. I'm bitching too much. I should really shut up at school, because I think people are getting sick of me. Not that I'm not already sick of myself. I'm so sick of myself I want to puke everything out, but I just can't puke MYSELF out. I'll have to turn my body inside out. Mehh. *melts into a puddle of wax and blood and bones*

Sometimes I don't want to sleep because I don't want to wake up.

I FINALLY replied to my posts @ WWS. I actually have been meaning to get to my threads all week, but orientation totally killed me because some days I just went home, ate dinner, and fell asleep. I wanted to post during the weekend, but I had no inspiration and ended up leveling my archer instead (she's level 36!). So I posted today. I did sacrifice my homework time though, not that I care too much since I'm QUITE on top of what I have to do right now. Which is fine.

Money's a bit tight now though. And by that I mean my own finances. Because I owe so many people money, and many people owe me money too. Argh-ness. I seem to be running out, and it's only Monday, damnit. Have just paid $20 for class fund and $10 for choir fund and other various kinds of shit and now I have $10 left. WHICH I need to use to top-up my EZlink card or else I can forget about going home. It has like, 55c in it or something. Argh. I hate not passing my the MRT station because I never get a chance to top it up nowadays.

My timetable fucking SUCKS. I've been groaning about it all day. Hehe. Sorry to all those who had to listen to my grouses. All the days I end early I have CCA, which means a late dismissal anyway. And they just HAD to fucking move CLAO to Thursday and make me end at 5.30pm. Like SHIT. It's one of my non-CCA days too. And I bloody have so many breaks in between classes my brain just totally rots and dies.

I think I should stop eating so much in school. Must. Save. Money. Ugh.

Another piece of art. I didn't trace this one -- hooray for me. It's Clavius again, standing in a non-descript field, with an obligatory new-moon-that-looks-fake in the background. This is one of my more proper head-on views... I simply can't do them well. I mean, not counting the last two pictures of him that I traced of course, because tracing is easy. XPPP I don't like his proportions though -- they're not wolf-y enough. I have to work on my fur and stuff. The neck bit looks weird too. But blah, overall I'm quite satisfied with it, considering that I spent my entire afternoon on it. Heh.

I exist in a terrible kind of anonymity.

It's the kind of anonymity that makes you a shadowed face, roaming in the background like a ghost returning to haunt. But somehow, you're real enough to be felt, seen and heard, albeit fleetingly. And when I look up, activity goes on all around me, like I'm watching this four-sided telly with pictures so sharp it looks real. But life is a scripted show meant for actors, and I'm not part of the crew. I'm just a home-viewer, stuck in my chair, the only control I have is over the remote. But there's only one channel, and it's showing the same thing over and over.

Sometimes I bleed, bleed into this thing people call "reality", when on occasion, I become a real persona, speaking, interacting, feeling. But it never lasts long. And it's always tinged with this feeling of plasticity, like all that's happening exists on another plane altogether, because all I'm feeling inside is just this soup of sadness. It seems like I have nothing to give, but I want to give so much more. I don't care if I bleed dry into reality, because at least before I die, I would have had a little taste of something called life.

But no matter what I do, it's just a matter of time before I fade away again. Like a picture left too long in the sun.

Bleh. It's been raining and raining nonstop. Yesterday was Monday. Blah. Had a new timetable, which didn't really make things any better/worse, but all my early days are on my CCA days, SO. Yeah. Woe is me. T_T Also finished painting the fac flag. I'm not 100% satisfied with it, because my brush skills could really use a LOT of improving... I kept on making mistakes which I had to patch up, wait for it to dry, then redo again. There were some where I made multiple mistakes on, and needed two or three recoats of paint to get right. Argh.

Choir ended at 8pm yesterday. WAHAHA. So late. T_T But I wasn't practicing most of the time, was called to replace one comm member to show J1s where they have to go and stuff. This audition thing took until about 7pm, quite late. *sigh* Poor J1s, made to stay back so long. Haha. I stll remember my auditions did not constitute so much waiting.

Ugh! Why must it rain now? I do hope it stops or something. I'm going to go to school to see what the juniors are up to because I'm a busybody, and I want to get to know the juniors better. Heh. Oh, and I know who my mortal is already. Mwahahaha.

There has been an attack of the ants on my house lately. They're like, thes 1 cm long brutes that look like they could bite your... er, skin cell off. XDD No pictures though. My phone is like, tehsux and can't focus on anything that small. Haha.

W00t, short, random paragraphs today. Haha. I don't really have much to blog about. School's okay. How great can it get, hmm? And my timetable is full of long, empty breaks, and I can't go home during them 'cos I have like, one or two periods after that, which are usually STUPID AND USELESS. *coughPEcough, coughCLAOcough* Yeah. Whatever. What a waste of my time. =.=;

*pokes WWS* I need to be in more threads. Those that I'm in lack replies!! But I don't want to jump into more than I can chew. Ah well. Haven't been mapling recently either. I think I'll go level up my archer a bit. XD

I drew (all right, traced. fine) a new picture of Clavius today! Was inspired this afternoon, somehow. Heh.


Alas though, I had to crop it for the board, or else it'd look too big and ugly. In my opinion it's not as good. But who cares. Kathy says he's disproportional. Haha. Poor Clav. I should learn to draw better. XDDD

Ugh, I am so stiff all over. Practicing the fac dance yesterday was a killer, especially since we revamped moves to make 'em a heck lot faster. Mehh. It's been raining nonstop since last night. And it's cooooold.

Blah, nothing much to say. It's Sunday already, goddamit. School tomorrow, which is tehsux. Anyway, RP has kept me nice and happy. Heh. Nice long long post with lots of description. I need to come up with more details of Clavius's history. Drr.

Nat: Sure! I'll tell you when I do. But I haven't had much time to use the comp and stuff since school's started. I'm on chapter 11 though!

Ah. Have had a very shitty week so far. But today we met our junior class and for some odd reason, I'm happy again. They're 06S6K. Really weird, huh? 6K. They're quite a nice bunch of people, but my first impression when I saw them walking around was like, "OMG, they look real quiet." X.x; I hope they don't turn out like us. I hope their class won't end up like ours. You know what? To be really really frank, I do NOT like our class ONE BIT. Every day I sit with these people, these lyrics come to my head:

All around me are familiar faces,
worn out places, worn out faces.
- Mad World, Gary Jules

It's not that I'm tired of them. It's just that for me, I don't have anything in common with these other 23 faces that I see everyday. Sometimes, I struggle to find things to say, things to do, and just a simple thing like making conversation is just not how it should be, natural and easy. Instead I'm feeling strained inside, wondering if what the other person is receptive to what I'm doing. Even though it has happened so many times, I'm still not used to being ignored.

Sometimes, contrary to what I really want, I just feel like being ALONE, yet these people are there, and it makes things so awkward. Like, I don't think I can sit at the class bench alone without people probably wondering why I'm such a loser/anti-social idiot. Oh wait, I don't think they even wonder, because they don't even notice I'm there in the first place.

See? This is what school does to me. Do you know that throughout the entire holidays, I didn't cry even once?

But I'm digressing. I was supposed to talk about our new juniors, yes? I hope I can get to know them better, these new faces. Looking forward to Monday, when we can draw lots for our Angel/Mortal game. Haha. This reminds me of the whirlwind first three months last year. They were such a blast. A pity it had to turn out like this.

Tomorrow, one word: ugh.

Elyse: Because the subjects I'm taking are Further Mathematics, Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry. I dropped F Maths this year though, because I couldn't cope. So yeah. I totally regret taking my combination. I should have taken Economics instead of Further Maths. I wouldn't have dropped my subjects then. But I don't like the art subjects they offer in college here. It's all Geography, History and Literature and whatnot. And I dunno, I just suck at them. Then again, what makes me think that taking digital art or something at univeristy level will be any different? Every bloody person can draw better than me. Oh dear, don't mind me. If you notice, this post is filed under "rants" and is not meant to be taken seriously.

It's so hard to be bloody happy, sometimes. No, wait, make that all the time.

Anyway, school's started. The usual shit has just hit the broken fan. Oh well. God save my soul. There's nothing I can do about it, except stop being myself. I'm not making sense, am I? I just feel so crappy. Yes, that's a simple, understandable sentence.

It's not just me. Or the work. I admit most of it (if not all) is my fault. But yeah. Let's say we swing that aside for a bit, and I'm still left with nothing to look forward to, nothing to be happy about, nothing, nothing, nothing. I was just thinking, yesterday morning, as we drove past the big field where you can see the sky with dawn seeping through the cracks, how all this shit meant nothing at all, just electric pulses stimulating my synapses, and all these feelings are just chemical imbalances in my body. And how it all just shouldn't matter. And even if it did, can't I just plough through it all like how a perfect person should?

I wish I could just solve all these problems. I wish I wish I wish. You know, actually the problems aren't even that serious. They're just small little things that have been stressing me. But because I'm so unable, because I'm so worthless and stupid, I'm unable to handle or deal with them. I want to scream, but there's no one to scream it to. I want to complain, to cry, to say something without having to mask it behind lies.

But there is no one. Oh, that refrain again. It sings through my ears like a haunting song.

I'm having problems viewing Greyprism on the school comp. Hmm. And I realise many people don't have Arial Unicode or whatever shit font I'm using. I think I'll just switch it back to Arial when I'm home. I can't even view my stylesheet on this computer. And the mouse scroller is stuck. Argh.

"I am still smiling, though, because I don't want anyone to know that my heart is breaking." - Boy Proof, Cecil Castellucci.

"College Kids"

someone please save us, us college kids!
what my parents told me is what i did
they said go to school and be a college kid
but in the end i question why i did

i'm poor, i'm starving, i'm flat broke, i've got no cash to spend
sell all my books for front row tickets to dave matthews band
my girlfriend's at another school, i know this year will test her
i called, found out she had three other boyfriends last semester

and that's why i say
oh no! not for me, not for me
call it torture, call it university
no! arts and crafts is all i need
i'll take calligraphy and then i'll make a fake degree

80 grand later i found out that all that i had learned
is that you should show up to take your finals and your midterms
the party scene is kinda mean, i think it's sick and twisted
the navy showed up at my dorm and claimed that i enlisted

and that's why i say
oh no! not for me, not for me
call it torture, call it university
no! arts and crafts is all i need
i'll take calligraphy and then i'll make a fake degree

don't get excited. she'll say "no" without a doubt you see
and i've decided college girls just won't go out with me
they make me nervous and they always catch me off my guard
like cell phone services i drop out cause college is too hard

it's time to call my father
cause it's his alma mater
good grades aren't what they seem
i think he knows the dean
it's time to call my father
cause it's his alma mater
he says he's proud of me
but college always was his dream
and i would always say it's not for me

oh no! not for me, not for me
call it torture, call it university
no! arts and crafts is all i need
i'll take calligraphy and then i'll make a fake degree

someone please save us, us college kids!
what my parents told me is what i did
they said go to school and be a college kid
but in the end i question why i did

do what will make you happy
do what you feel is right
only but one thing matters
learn how to live your life

[in background:]
(phi, beta, delta, kappa
someone please save us, us college kids!
what my parents told me is what i did
they said go to school and be a college kid
but in the end i question why i did)

do what will make God happy
do what you feel is right
only but one thing matters
learn how to live your life

OMG! I just realised they have like, so many albums. I WANT THEM ALL. OH NO.

Argh. I feel so helpless. I take like, a whole day to download music that lasts just 1 hour. >.< Boohoo.

Anyway, the soundtrack to a Korean movie, Spirit of Jeet Kune Do: Once Upon A Time In High School, is really great. However, it's a very violent movie though. A LOT of cursing and fighting. And the fighting is really really brutal. Boys are scary. >.<

*pokes WWS* Almost no one's online now except a few of us, LOL, who are madly posting away in one pointless thread. Haha. XDD

W00t and c00kies to everyone who commented. Haha. Qian loves comments.

Anyway, I have been RPing! Wee. Veryvery fun. *huggles Clavius*

Ooo, and I got a new email address for my MSN. Haha. I've added everyone on my old list so... *waits for people to accept her*

Adora: Ooo, haha, love ya too. See you when school starts! I kinda miss having choir. But having choir after school is SOOO tiring. And choir itself is tiring enough! =/

Elyse: ELYSEEEEEEE! I shan't reply to you here, seeing that you're at the WWS board already. Heh.

Jennifer: Ooo, thanks for commenting. ^^ I loved Narnia. It followed the book really closely and all, and it was epic enough. Haha. One thing I didn't like about the movie was how some parts seemed quite fake, especially the bits when the children minus Edmund went to the witches' castle with Aslan. It looked VERY obviously CGI-ed. >.< I also didn't find Aslan majestic enough. Ahhhh! Everyone's going to throw stones at me. But I dunno. He looked normal to me. And Liam Neeson's voice wasn't deep enough! I thought it would be all low and rumbly but it wasn't! *throws a temper tantrum* Qian loves bass voices. Heh. ^^

Ahhh, school's starting soon. Goddamn. And I owe the library a lot of money for overdue books. Oops. *hides*

I've taken to filling in my title after I've written my post. Hmm. I used to write it before I blogged about anything. Blah. Still can't think of good titles. And this layout is beginning to annoy the hell out of me. Argh.

Woke up this morning and found our porch lamp gone. Like, WTF? Someone stole it obviously. It's a case of vandal and theft. But my mum doesn't want to report it to the police because it's no use. She suspects the Neighbour *coughcough*, or else some rowdy kids from the freaking Countdown Party last night. My dad thinks some drunks had their bit of fun. But unscrewing the lamp is not an easy job, and we found ladder marks on our wall. Oh darnit, who gives.

Pictures later. Dad's sleeping and I can't get to the laptop.

In other earth-shattering news, I cut my hair again. Nothing drastic this time, just trimmed it a bit, actually. And now that I've washed my hair, everything's standing up. Phwee.

Oh, and Happy New Year, kids!

Twitter Updates

follow me on Twitter