27 June, 2006
(0 ) 12:35 Everyday is just another struggle. I had no idea how much pain words could convey, how much pain these words, like barbs, could inflict. They are like gunshots, exploding into existence, then embedding themselves into the flesh of the heart. It is not just our actions, not merely our outward, physical portrayals of our desires that express what we feel inside, but the things we say, that matter most.
Yet for me, there is nothing more cathartic than physical pain. I just wish the wounds would not come along with it. It is unhealthy, I know, and that is why I refrain from doing it, but self-restraint only lasts so long.
I want to find a way out of these four walls that enclose me. Like a pacing tiger in its cage, I'm full of so much pent-up rage inside, I don't know what to do with it. Problems do not solve themselves; solutions do not appear out of thin air. Yet I often wish they do. The escapist in me just wants to curl up in an inert ball and shut off the outside world, devouring words that others have written. I still remember the comfort that I found in Orson Scott Card's Speaker For the Dead. It's one of the few books that I have read more than once.
Words spoken aloud to no one, often do not heal.
I've almost finished Ilium; just about a hundred or so more pages until I'm done. Simmons writes quite gruesome stuff actually, and I was reading it at 2am in the morning, and it kind of freaked me out a little (the scene where the Caliban is revealed was icky, but I liked how he injected it with humour, using the classic large-chair-turns-around-to-reveal-bad-guy scene), but it was good stuff. I've always seen Simmon's Hyperion lying around in the library, but the cover always put me off. I guess I'll be a little adventerous and borrow it the next time I go. Besides, many of the reviews that I've read have praised the Hyperion quartet as one of his best works.
Looking at Amazon.com really makes me feel like buying books. >.< If I buy Hyperion together with its sequel, The Fall of Hyperion, it will only cost me a little over S$25, minus shipping. *sigh* I still have my $15 Borders book voucher that Ms Yang gave me for my birthday. Thank God it doesn't have an expiration date! But seriously, I have way too many books. Actually, I think everything will fit on my bookshelf, but there's a lot of useless stuff on it now, like Secondary school textbooks and stuff, which I always tell myself I'm going to clear out but never get around to doing. XP
It's been raining since I woke up. It's beginning to stop now. I don't want it to stop. I want it to keep on raining forever.
Yet for me, there is nothing more cathartic than physical pain. I just wish the wounds would not come along with it. It is unhealthy, I know, and that is why I refrain from doing it, but self-restraint only lasts so long.
I want to find a way out of these four walls that enclose me. Like a pacing tiger in its cage, I'm full of so much pent-up rage inside, I don't know what to do with it. Problems do not solve themselves; solutions do not appear out of thin air. Yet I often wish they do. The escapist in me just wants to curl up in an inert ball and shut off the outside world, devouring words that others have written. I still remember the comfort that I found in Orson Scott Card's Speaker For the Dead. It's one of the few books that I have read more than once.
I've almost finished Ilium; just about a hundred or so more pages until I'm done. Simmons writes quite gruesome stuff actually, and I was reading it at 2am in the morning, and it kind of freaked me out a little (the scene where the Caliban is revealed was icky, but I liked how he injected it with humour, using the classic large-chair-turns-around-to-reveal-bad-guy scene), but it was good stuff. I've always seen Simmon's Hyperion lying around in the library, but the cover always put me off. I guess I'll be a little adventerous and borrow it the next time I go. Besides, many of the reviews that I've read have praised the Hyperion quartet as one of his best works.
Looking at Amazon.com really makes me feel like buying books. >.< If I buy Hyperion together with its sequel, The Fall of Hyperion, it will only cost me a little over S$25, minus shipping. *sigh* I still have my $15 Borders book voucher that Ms Yang gave me for my birthday. Thank God it doesn't have an expiration date! But seriously, I have way too many books. Actually, I think everything will fit on my bookshelf, but there's a lot of useless stuff on it now, like Secondary school textbooks and stuff, which I always tell myself I'm going to clear out but never get around to doing. XP
It's been raining since I woke up. It's beginning to stop now. I don't want it to stop. I want it to keep on raining forever.