06 April, 2006
(0 ) 22:48 Tired. A bit resigned. Commserve ended late today. A P5 girl came in and asked us maths questions. Fractions! It's quite challenging to teach fractions. I don't know if she understood what I was saying. Oh well.
Sigh. I'm a bit sick of trying to involve myself. The past three months have been spent being someone I've always wanted to be, but am not. Now it seems as if my facade is slowly fading away, and more and more of my old (real?) self is surfacing. It's a bit hard not to mention specific events, especially since this blog is read by quite a few people, and because I'm afraid to put people in a spot, so I won't. But suffice to say, the situations involved me feeling awkward because I felt so damned extra, or because silence seems to have become my best friend, creeping into my conversations like an interruption. It stretches so wide it begins to seem as if it transcends physical dimension, pushing us further apart no matter how close we stand.
I find that I have fewer and fewer things to say to certain people. This silence speaks volumes about me. It shows how I'm unable to integrate myself socially, to express my feelings, to appear welcoming and friendly. Maybe I'm not at all, so it's not about appearances but rather, what's on the inside (it's empty). It's so hard to just live from day to day, knowing clearly that you don't want to be yourself. The yearning to be someone else is, to me, very strong. I look out at the world through these eyes, through these glasses, and I see promise and hope, but only because it is sorely lacking in me. The grass is always greener on the other side. I think that summarises the mentality I have quite succinctly.
Am tired. I couldn't divide 850 by 17 today. Brain is not working and thus I'm not making sense. Apologies for rubbish/nonsense/ridiculous (hehehe) post.
Sigh. I'm a bit sick of trying to involve myself. The past three months have been spent being someone I've always wanted to be, but am not. Now it seems as if my facade is slowly fading away, and more and more of my old (real?) self is surfacing. It's a bit hard not to mention specific events, especially since this blog is read by quite a few people, and because I'm afraid to put people in a spot, so I won't. But suffice to say, the situations involved me feeling awkward because I felt so damned extra, or because silence seems to have become my best friend, creeping into my conversations like an interruption. It stretches so wide it begins to seem as if it transcends physical dimension, pushing us further apart no matter how close we stand.
I find that I have fewer and fewer things to say to certain people. This silence speaks volumes about me. It shows how I'm unable to integrate myself socially, to express my feelings, to appear welcoming and friendly. Maybe I'm not at all, so it's not about appearances but rather, what's on the inside (it's empty). It's so hard to just live from day to day, knowing clearly that you don't want to be yourself. The yearning to be someone else is, to me, very strong. I look out at the world through these eyes, through these glasses, and I see promise and hope, but only because it is sorely lacking in me. The grass is always greener on the other side. I think that summarises the mentality I have quite succinctly.
Am tired. I couldn't divide 850 by 17 today. Brain is not working and thus I'm not making sense. Apologies for rubbish/nonsense/ridiculous (hehehe) post.