qian (altessa), girl, 20, bespectacled, sci-fi, bookworm, more? aprilesque is version 7, photoshop7, original art, get your own, more? 5TORM Kathy, Dawn, Yingwan, Weiqi 05S34 class blog, Hui Fang, Jason, Poh Wei, Rachel, Wei Jie, You Jin, Yvette, Zirui friends Wen Lin, Natalie, Elyse, SozoS, Sam archives When browsing through the archives, please keep in mind that they are pieces of who I was, not who I am. People grow, people change, and I am only human. go? lyrics Hotspur - Heads/Tails, Stars of Track and Field - End of All Time, Dashboard Confessional - Hell On The Throat

I keep dreaming dreams that I've dreamt before.

It's like revisiting old places you haven't been to for years, and discovering you know every nook and cranny by heart, even if you stumble occasionally. I wonder where these dreams were, when they weren't being dreamt by me? In some kind of limbo, floating in some intangible medium, before being snagged by my searching mind?

I wonder.

Anyway, this afternoon I had several dreams. In one of them, I was looking through the eyes of someone else, not me. I wonder if other people have had the same experience, of dreaming from different points of view. It's like watching a story unfold. I thought this dream was significant, because whenever I've dreamt of running, I've always had the feeling of never being able to run fast enough. But in my dream today, I was running as fast as I could, around a track, and I distinctly remember feeling free, liberated. But people kept getting in my way. I remember yelling at them, but they just wouldn't clear off. They were simply milling around, cutting into my lane, making me run around them.

I can't remember why I was running.

Borrowed more books: My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult, The Family Way by Tony Parsons, and some crap chick lit. Haha.

Went to celebrate Weiqi's birthday today. Sort of, since her real birthday's next Thursday, when I can't make it for Kbox. It wasn't a big celebration or anything -- we just went to Plaza Singapura and ate at Swensen's, something we ALWAYS do. LOL. Meow and I got her this disappearing coin box thingy and a card. The coin box is cool, but I think the shrinking coin one was better. Haha. No matter.

After lunch Weiqi left, and Meow and I went to watch Brother's Grimm. When we arrived at the cinema, we found out that someone was in our seat. So we were like, okay... And seeing that the row in front of us was empty, we went to sit down, thinking that we'll leave the matter as it was if no one was going to sit there. But we should have been suspicious of an entire empty row in a mostly filled cinema, and not long after, a group of teens came along. We were mortified because it seemed that we were sitting on the wrong seats on purpose (which was kind of true). So I asked them if they were supposed to sit there and they said yes, so we scuttled away as quick as we could. The people in our seats were these two ang mohs (no offense here, just a general reference) so I was initially afraid to speak to them, but eventually we got the matter resolved: two girls were seating on THEIR seats instead. So there was a minor big (haha) shuffle and FINALLY we got our seats. Haha.

It wasn't a BAD movie, per se. Really. But at the end it kind of sucked because it became SO CLICHÉ. I was giong "whatever" at the movie multiple times. It's rather funny, and some parts are mildly suspenseful and all that, but seriously, if you don't have money to blow, don't watch it. It's a waste of your time. I wouldn't even rent the DVD. However if you're bored or love fairytales, spoofs or their variants of, I think you'll like it.

After the movie joined parents and Taka. Bought The Player of Games by Iain M. Banks. I've read the book before, but I decided to buy it only now because they have new covers out which are positively disgusting, and I wanted to get the old cover before it all sells out. After that went to eat at Tonkichi... the food's okay, but we thought that the one at Isetan was better.

Yeah. That's how I spent my day. Terribly fruitful, no?

Wow, two posts in one day (I mean, at a go, within 6 hours of each other). Amazing. I'm in a much better mood now, in fact, in the best mood I've been in since school started. That's because I've finally finished my EOM. However I did that at the expense of the 2nd draft of the stupid Written Report. Argh. It screams at me to be done. It WANTS to be corrected and revised and bibliographed and table-of-contents-ed. Oh God. Someone help me. Now my PW coursework is speaking to me. T_T

MapleStory! My friend helped me buy another cashcard, so I have 2 cards! Yay. I don't feel that it's a waste of money, though some people do. I mean, it's just a stupid game, and it makes me feel happy playing it, so why restrict myself from enjoying it more, even if it means spending a bit of money? It's not like I spend money on a lot of other things *cough* right?

Speaking of BUYING things, I recently bought a Billabong sling bag that's black with grey trimmings (!) and white/cyan text. I personally like it, although I know everyone and his brother has a Billabong sling bag and most of them look more or less alike. >.< I also bought a converse jacket that is warm! Haha. It's black with lime green and grey stripes. The clincher has to be the Converse shoes that I bought. They're dark grey with pink stitching. Wee! Prettypretty. Mum also bought a ladies design that's dirty pink with brown soles. They look supercool. XD I might steal them to wear some time.

NB: I was reading by 9 September post, and I realised I STILL haven't finished Century Rain. O.o;

I feel oddly betrayed, although I know I shouldn't. Walking around alone makes me feel better and infinitely worse at the same time. It makes me feel better because I won't have the problem lurking around the corner of my eyes, reminding me constantly of my inadequacies and shortcomings, but it makes me feel worse because it just goes to exacerbate my loneliness and isolation.

I am so isolated from everything else. I am a little island and I spend my days watching the waves lash across my white sands, eroding my banks until finally only the proverbial tree is left standing above all the chaos. And finally I'm sucked under these waves, still alone, still drowning. And no one sees it, no one knows, because I'm just a little island in the deep blue sea.

But it doesn't matter.
Nothing lived on the island anyway.

----------

I don't know your face no more
Or feel the touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just the place I'm looking for

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well, we might as well, we might as well...

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well, we might as well
We might as well be strangers, be strangers, be strangers
For all I know of you now, for all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know...

-- We Might As Well Be Strangers, Keane

I owe the library a total of $3.45 in fines and renewal fees. LOL. I find that quite amusing.

Just came back from MAF. Tired, but I oughtn't be. The lightups were pretty, that's all I can say. Plus the fact that I survived it. Maybe not so intact, but I'm still in one piece, which counts for a lot. It wasn't that bad an event, really, and I didn't have a horrible time or anything, but it could have been 10 times better. My mind kept on drifting, thinking how freaking great it would be if 5TORM could be there, although 5 people for mass dance means one person without a partner, but I don't think 5TORM would go dance anyway. And that wouldn't matter a bit 'cos we'll be having too much fun just talking and sitting around or something. You know on second thought, Yingwan might go dance. I'm not sure. XD *sigh* I'd give anything to have us in the same school again.

Anything.

I've never belonged, so I don't feel any loss by not belonging. Perhaps the only people I feel comfortable with are 5TORM, and they're the only group of people to whom I ever will "belong". And tomorrow... I feel guilty knowing that I don't want to go out tomorrow. I want to hide from MAF, salvage my last two days of freedom from the daily grind that has become Hwa Chong. Actually, it's not the school. It's not even the environment. It's the people, and they tire me. They twist my soul and wring it out to dry. I'm so tired of them, and I just want to get away. One week has just filled me with hope, and now it's all going to be dashed again when I have to go back to school on Monday.

Tomorrow will come too soon.

Anyway, went out with Meow and Weiqi today! WEE. Funfun. We were supposed to do real shopping you know, but somehow, we aren't like that. We aren't the kind who walk around and try on various articles of clothing, trying to look excessively pretty or cool or whatever. In fact, the thing I like most about them is that they're so down to earth, so honest and good and friendly and never judging. Never judging. Haha. 5TORM, I'm sure you're reading this right now. Or in the near future. But yeah, that's how I feel. I hope you guys feel the same way too. I've never tried to put how I felt about you guys in words. Oh yeah, we miss you two in Australia very badly. Haha. Hope to see your asses back in Singapore soon. XD

So I bought purple nail polish, an OP pencil case, and the MapleStory cashcard thing. Weiqi says it's a waste of money, but I don't really care. LOL. Went to the library after that and borrowed some book, Coyote by Allen Steele. Was going to borrow Iain Bank's A Song Of Stone (I think, I can't remember), but I realised that Replay was borrowed under my dad's card, so effectively, I still owed 3 more books. Bah. Will return them tomorrow then. Hopefully I can finish Century Rain by today.

Finished reading the robot short stories some time last week. I enjoyed them, actually, although I'm not one for short stories, usually. The front bit of the collection, where the stories are grouped by the type of robot featured (i.e. humanoid, non-humanoid, etc.), wasn't very enjoyable for me. What really got my attention was his Susan Calvin collection of stories, 9 or 10 of them in all. They were very intriguing because each story revolved around a problem, and it was delightful to read about how she went around fixing it. Of course that's just brushing the surface, but you get my drift. It has to do with the three laws, and finding ways around the three laws so they can fix the problem. XD

Also finished Replay by Ken Grimwood. Ahhh. I read it so fast, in about one to two days, I think. It's a fantastic book with a fantastic plot. I was going to say it makes you think, but... it didn't make ME think. I would say it was a little on the 'okay, this happened, what's going to happen next' side, and not very "deep", per se. It's about a guy who dies of a heart attack, then wakes up to find himself in the body of his 18 year old self. He lives through a number of replays, and in each replay he does different things. The thing that is most striking about the book is how HUMAN it is. All the things that the character does (his name escapes me), is sometime that you might do. For example, in his first replay, he quits college (versus having completed it in real life), takes out all his money, and bets it on an event. He knows, of course, that he will win, because he remembers its outcome in the "real world". So he goes on, betting and making more money, then setting up a company dealing with shares and stuff. And the thing is he gets richer and richer, because he KNOWS which companies will make it big. Yeah. No more spoilers. It was just a really enjoyable read.

Now I'm three-quarters the way through Century Rain. Ahhhh. Another thriller, another page turner. It's an absolutely riveting book, and I love Verity Auger and Wendell Floyd. I have this thing for characters with cool names. They lodge themselves in my brain and I can faun over them for days/weeks/months/etc., you get my drift. Explains why I can't remember the name of the character in Replay. He had quite a common name, I think. Yeah. Can't say much about this book yet, although I love the world it's set in. Alastair Reynolds is a fantastic storyteller. Yup. Until I've finished it, I'll leave my opinions on the book here.

Ooo, going to meet 5TORM later! Or at least, the "Singapore" branch. Haha. That tickles me to say. Fun fun. I look forward to see them so very much. XD

I figured I'd best not say anything at all. It's not that I don't dare to say it or ought not to say it, but it's just that I'd rather not hear it aloud. Or in print. Ah well. It's best to keep the illusion of happiness and idealism, even when things don't go the way you want them to. In fact, things never do.

So I figured the best thing to do was to just go on with life, and that if I stopped at every corner to consider how I felt about certain situations, I'd never be able to go on. My happiness is something I've decided to learn to compromise, because relatively, it holds no value at all to other more important stuff, like how other people feel. You know, I realise I rate other people's happiness way over my own. Maybe that's why I cause so much grief to myself. And the ironic thing is, I'm not even making people happy.

And so I have failed and my suffering is in vain.

How dramatic. I don't think I'm actually suffering, per se. I'm not at all. I mean, I'm so fortunate you know, count your blessings and all that. But really, what's a girl to do when, for some reason, her self-pity kicks in once too often and starts wreaking havoc on her mind?

Anyway, was super high after choir today, looking forward to CIP at St. Luke's tomorrow, although it's going to be freaking early. Played table soccer and sort of won! Haha. My first time playing table soccer. After that went for dinner with part of class and part of first-intakers, i.e. LAYNING! and QIHAN! I'm always super happy and super sad when I see them.

Happiness and sadness coexist in a symbiotic relationship -- they feed off each other.

What if there was no light?
Nothing wrong, nothing right.
What if there was no time?
And no reason or rhyme.
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side.
That you don't want me there in your life.

What if I got it wrong, and no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong.

- What If, Coldplay

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