24 July, 2005
I know I haven't blogged in just about years. It's not that I don't come online, I do, and that in itself is... such a sin. I shouldn't even be here. Had a talk with mum last night, and I realised that a lot of the things she said about me were true. And I wish I could change myself and not be so flawed. So I'm logging off now, before I can even say anything substantial, because I want to be a good girl and all.
Like I ever was from the start. I think it's so clichéd to say that I wish things were as it were in the past, but it's true and I do feel that way. Argh, I hate growing up.
Like I ever was from the start. I think it's so clichéd to say that I wish things were as it were in the past, but it's true and I do feel that way. Argh, I hate growing up.
13:01 / 0 comment(s) 
13 July, 2005
Things have been getting better, or maybe I've just been getting better at pushing unwanted thoughts out of my mind. Nothing much of note has been going on in my boring life, except of course, school, which is one hell of a rollercoaster ride that I can't wait to get off.
I've been loving the weather for the past few days, because it's been raining and it's been so cold. It's just easier to lose myself and pretend I'm somewhere else, instead of here and now.
Went to the library this afternoon, before CLAO, and did a bit of A13. Just a bit. And fell asleep for 20 min and it was the best nap I ever had, don't know why. It was just very, very comfortable. I wouldn't have woken up had it not been for the bell. Haha. If not I would have missed CLAO altogether, which wasn't important anyway, since we didn't actually DO anything. Rachel and I sat around vandalising the poor tables.
Choir was... like choir. I was sleepy during combined sectionals, yawning about every 10 min. Fought damn hard to stay awake. But after that when we went for combined, I felt a bit better. It was tiring, but fun in a way. I always complain about choir, about how much time it takes up, about how difficult the song is, about how much I'm sacrificing (actually, am I at all?), but deep down I love it, even though I might not feel like loving it all of the time. It just feels so good to sing together, to hear the notes blend seamlessly in melody, and to think, I'm a part of all this magic.
Decided to join the Interact Club too. Looking forward to mentoring someone. I just hope I don't corrupt any minds or anything. XD
I've been loving the weather for the past few days, because it's been raining and it's been so cold. It's just easier to lose myself and pretend I'm somewhere else, instead of here and now.
Went to the library this afternoon, before CLAO, and did a bit of A13. Just a bit. And fell asleep for 20 min and it was the best nap I ever had, don't know why. It was just very, very comfortable. I wouldn't have woken up had it not been for the bell. Haha. If not I would have missed CLAO altogether, which wasn't important anyway, since we didn't actually DO anything. Rachel and I sat around vandalising the poor tables.
Choir was... like choir. I was sleepy during combined sectionals, yawning about every 10 min. Fought damn hard to stay awake. But after that when we went for combined, I felt a bit better. It was tiring, but fun in a way. I always complain about choir, about how much time it takes up, about how difficult the song is, about how much I'm sacrificing (actually, am I at all?), but deep down I love it, even though I might not feel like loving it all of the time. It just feels so good to sing together, to hear the notes blend seamlessly in melody, and to think, I'm a part of all this magic.
Decided to join the Interact Club too. Looking forward to mentoring someone. I just hope I don't corrupt any minds or anything. XD
23:20 / 0 comment(s)
08 July, 2005
Second day of school so far. It hasn't been that bad, especially since blocks are over, in a sense that I haven't really felt like jumping over any tall buildings yet.
First day back felt strange as hell, and I was almost late because I only woke up at 6. Blah. The school was crawling with people for a change, and I was among them myself, squelching through the huge mass of human bodies, making my way across the central plaza to line up for assembly.
First two periods was PW, which sucked big time, but whatever. I had a sinking feeling throughout the whole of the lesson, I was surprised I didn't fall right into hell. And it reminded me of why I dislike him. But I guess I'm kind of used to it, letting whatever he says go through one ear and out the next. Besides, I don't really HATE him or anything, just think he's terribly annoying. And also because I see so much of myself in him. It's a torture; disliking him is like disliking myself.
Had Chem lecture after PW, which was a relief because lectures are mindless, in that you can be cloaked in anonymity, because you're just one more face in a sea of faces. It's perfectly all right not to talk to your neighbours during a lecture, because most of the time we're paying attention or sleeping, and that suits me perfectly. It relieves my burden of trying to strike up conversation, of trying to interact and thinking of how worthless a specimen of a Hwa Chong student I am. Tutorials on the other hand, are something I hate because it's so much more personal. I guess that's the point, really, but that's the problem too. Suddenly the room shrinks, and you're no longer just another person, but a member of a 20-odd class. Sitting in rows less than 3 metres away from the tutor, faces suddenly become recognisable. I don't really care for the tutor though, whether he or she notices me or not. But in a classroom I feel compelled to interact, something which I immensely dislike. And the reason why I dislike it is so stupid, like how the fox proclaimed the grapes to be sour. I'll leave it at that, I shan't say any more, because there's no point for self-pity. In fact I think self-pity simply shows a person's cowardice and self-centeredness. Besides, you won't understand what I'm saying anyway. I'm not much of a writer, my thoughts don't flow logically. But whatever.
Had Maths tutorial after that (hatehate), and got black our Maths C block test. i guess you're getting interested now, are you, curious to know what I got? People are like that. But I'm not going to tell, because I'm so deeply ashamed. Yes, so now you can go on guessing your brains out until they turn to mush and I don't care.
Spent my break not eating. I did it on purpose, actually, but in the end the scene I wanted to avoid materialised in front of my eyes anyway, so there wasn't any point. It felt good skipping lunch anyway, because it's such a rebellious act, you know? Hah. I'm kind of sad, don't you think, getting a kick out of rebelling against MYSELF? This is getting absurd.
CLAO tutorial was next, and was boring as ever. Hmm, one tutorial that I don't mind is CLAO, for some reason, I don't know why, because it's one of the smallest classes I have. I guess it's because Chinese is such a familiar subject to me, like how I felt during the CLAO block test. So at home and comfortable.
F Maths lecture after that was okay. We were doing integration, which is a bit much for the moment, because I'm not familiar with most of the rules yet. But it looks like one of those chapters that'd be okay after a bit of practice.
PE was okay too. Played badminton and now I'm aching from it. And it's not like I played particularly hard or anything. Haha. Lay Ning came! I was so glad. Call me sad or sentimental, but I guess I miss the things that I lose the most. It's true that you don't value things until they're gone. Although it's not right to say Lay Ning has GONE or anything. She's still there, just not there as often as I'd like her to be. It's funny. I've only known her for 6 months. I feel so wimpy. To get so attached to a person like that. It makes me feel almost weak, and sometimes I do feel a bit ashamed at myself, for being so bloody DEPENDENT. Like I need someone, or the memory of someone, to keep me going.
So yes, that was yesterday. A bit long. Today nothing much happened, except that I felt a mite worse, especially since I wasn't late and was at the class bench in the morning and saw things I didn't want to see. Actually I didn't, per se, but I knew it was happening. I just looked away and occupied myself with other things.
I think I'll never go for lunch with people again. It's such a bloody painful process. I'd much prefer eating on my own, or trying to 'rebel' by not eating again. Although I personally disapprove of skipping meals. But did I say before? I'm a hypocrite.
CLAO oral. Screwed it up badly. I've never spoken Chinese so badly. The examiners must think me illiterate or something. Whatever.
Oh yeah, another thing of note, wore my first tie today. XD It felt good to take it off though.
An observation: it's funny, how we're in the company of each other and yet so infinitely isolated at the same time.
First day back felt strange as hell, and I was almost late because I only woke up at 6. Blah. The school was crawling with people for a change, and I was among them myself, squelching through the huge mass of human bodies, making my way across the central plaza to line up for assembly.
First two periods was PW, which sucked big time, but whatever. I had a sinking feeling throughout the whole of the lesson, I was surprised I didn't fall right into hell. And it reminded me of why I dislike him. But I guess I'm kind of used to it, letting whatever he says go through one ear and out the next. Besides, I don't really HATE him or anything, just think he's terribly annoying. And also because I see so much of myself in him. It's a torture; disliking him is like disliking myself.
Had Chem lecture after PW, which was a relief because lectures are mindless, in that you can be cloaked in anonymity, because you're just one more face in a sea of faces. It's perfectly all right not to talk to your neighbours during a lecture, because most of the time we're paying attention or sleeping, and that suits me perfectly. It relieves my burden of trying to strike up conversation, of trying to interact and thinking of how worthless a specimen of a Hwa Chong student I am. Tutorials on the other hand, are something I hate because it's so much more personal. I guess that's the point, really, but that's the problem too. Suddenly the room shrinks, and you're no longer just another person, but a member of a 20-odd class. Sitting in rows less than 3 metres away from the tutor, faces suddenly become recognisable. I don't really care for the tutor though, whether he or she notices me or not. But in a classroom I feel compelled to interact, something which I immensely dislike. And the reason why I dislike it is so stupid, like how the fox proclaimed the grapes to be sour. I'll leave it at that, I shan't say any more, because there's no point for self-pity. In fact I think self-pity simply shows a person's cowardice and self-centeredness. Besides, you won't understand what I'm saying anyway. I'm not much of a writer, my thoughts don't flow logically. But whatever.
Had Maths tutorial after that (hatehate), and got black our Maths C block test. i guess you're getting interested now, are you, curious to know what I got? People are like that. But I'm not going to tell, because I'm so deeply ashamed. Yes, so now you can go on guessing your brains out until they turn to mush and I don't care.
Spent my break not eating. I did it on purpose, actually, but in the end the scene I wanted to avoid materialised in front of my eyes anyway, so there wasn't any point. It felt good skipping lunch anyway, because it's such a rebellious act, you know? Hah. I'm kind of sad, don't you think, getting a kick out of rebelling against MYSELF? This is getting absurd.
CLAO tutorial was next, and was boring as ever. Hmm, one tutorial that I don't mind is CLAO, for some reason, I don't know why, because it's one of the smallest classes I have. I guess it's because Chinese is such a familiar subject to me, like how I felt during the CLAO block test. So at home and comfortable.
F Maths lecture after that was okay. We were doing integration, which is a bit much for the moment, because I'm not familiar with most of the rules yet. But it looks like one of those chapters that'd be okay after a bit of practice.
PE was okay too. Played badminton and now I'm aching from it. And it's not like I played particularly hard or anything. Haha. Lay Ning came! I was so glad. Call me sad or sentimental, but I guess I miss the things that I lose the most. It's true that you don't value things until they're gone. Although it's not right to say Lay Ning has GONE or anything. She's still there, just not there as often as I'd like her to be. It's funny. I've only known her for 6 months. I feel so wimpy. To get so attached to a person like that. It makes me feel almost weak, and sometimes I do feel a bit ashamed at myself, for being so bloody DEPENDENT. Like I need someone, or the memory of someone, to keep me going.
So yes, that was yesterday. A bit long. Today nothing much happened, except that I felt a mite worse, especially since I wasn't late and was at the class bench in the morning and saw things I didn't want to see. Actually I didn't, per se, but I knew it was happening. I just looked away and occupied myself with other things.
I think I'll never go for lunch with people again. It's such a bloody painful process. I'd much prefer eating on my own, or trying to 'rebel' by not eating again. Although I personally disapprove of skipping meals. But did I say before? I'm a hypocrite.
CLAO oral. Screwed it up badly. I've never spoken Chinese so badly. The examiners must think me illiterate or something. Whatever.
Oh yeah, another thing of note, wore my first tie today. XD It felt good to take it off though.
An observation: it's funny, how we're in the company of each other and yet so infinitely isolated at the same time.
22:23 / 0 comment(s)
05 July, 2005
I'm disappointed, because I seem to have forgot how to keep a tight hold on the rein, to prevent myself from wandering too far, too fast. But it seems that I already have.
Maybe it's already too late, because I've squandered time on useless things.
Maybe it's already too late, because I've squandered time on useless things.
22:27 / 0 comment(s)