29 June, 2005
I can't believe it, I ran like, 3+km today. I don't know how long it exactly is though -- it's from the drop-off point, towards TCHS, up the slope, down the slope and along the road. For girls we only needed to repeat from "up the slope..." for the required number of rounds, while the guys had to do a "back to drop-off point" before repeating from "towards TCHS..." And today I ran 3 rounds! Ahh. I was dying and all that. Plus we had to do slope jumps which are like standing broad jumps all the way up a slope. Remember that we were all damn tired from running. Then after that we had to do 3 sets of 7 inclined pull-ups. Of course everyone cheated lah, like, do the sets really far apart from each other. Haha. Oh yeah. Know why I'm so happy about the run? I THINK I was one of the first girls in my class to complete it. Wee! Haha. I was like, the last one last week. T_T However I don't know my timing or anything. Oh well.
Today was kind of boring, except that at 5.30pm we went for Dramafeste! Of course I'm not acting, went to do backstage stuff. And be extras, in every sense of the word. My friends and I are apparently in Scene 3, and are rebellious students! Haha. I get to throw paper balls and aeroplanes at people. Wee. After Dramafeste we went to Sixth Ave to eat dinner. LOL, it was already 8pm when we left school. Ordered California Pizza and sat at the coffeeshop next door to eat. Actually we didn't really do much, just sit there, talk and act sian. Oh yeah, and watch TV because there was a television near us. ^^ Left for home at 9pm, so reached home at 10! Argh, so late. But got a seat on 157 so I slept the whole way. Wee.
I owe SO MUCH homework. Let's see. FMaths tutorial on partial fractions, Physics tutorial on scalars and vectors, Chemistry tutorial on mole concept, Chinese comprehension passage, FMaths tutorial on trigonometrical identities... I think that's it, but it's A LOT. Ho hum. Plus, tomorrow we have a Chemistry test on mass spectrometry. >< Oh no. I tried studying just now but I gave up.
I am dissatisfied with what tomorrow will bring. I shall be frank here, because, as I have said before, only a few people read this (whom I know, of course), and those who I mention here will not read it anyway. I am obliged to go and celebrate Debbie's birthday, which was on the 1st of Feb. So tomorrow EVENING they are going out. I have choir which will end at 5 plus, and I really want to go home and do my homework, which is piling up by the day. It's okay if they just want to go to Orchard and have a bite, but they're NOT. The reason why I dislike them so much is because they always want to act so GROWN UP and wear all those REVOLTING clothes (which always looks good on Debbie but as for the others *cough*) and go to all those STUPID places. We're apparently going to Clarke Quay tomorrow. I don't want to go. I want to go HOME. Going to Clarke Quay will mean that I will reach home supremely late. I'm reaching home really late everyday.
To tell the truth if it were with 5TORM or my class I wouldn't mind. But having to go out with THEM... it's a big problem. I've already tried to negotiate, but... oh well. I can't dodge the issue forever. But what I don't understand is why they want me there. Okay I feel honoured to have them think of me as a friend, but to tell the truth I'd rather not have anything to do with them at all. Argh, it's all so complicated. ><
The thing I am trying to say is that I don't want to go to celebrate Debbie's birthday, but I fell obliged to go. The tone of the messages they send me and their phone calls are so... beseeching. Like they're begging me to go. I haven't the heart to say no. ARGDdkfjs.
And they might be painting the banner on Saturday. I WANT TO HELP PAINT THE BANNER. But I have CIP. Oh well. That's fine too, actually. CIP is quite fun, and it's with people of my class. So it's all right. But I want to contribute to painting the banner. T_T
Oh yeah, I need to make a trip to Popular and buy my materials for V-DAY. They call it Friendship Day over here. Haha. So weird. Gonna try and write everyone a little something and give them a chocolate or something. LOL. That's my PLAN. But it never works out in the end.
Today was kind of boring, except that at 5.30pm we went for Dramafeste! Of course I'm not acting, went to do backstage stuff. And be extras, in every sense of the word. My friends and I are apparently in Scene 3, and are rebellious students! Haha. I get to throw paper balls and aeroplanes at people. Wee. After Dramafeste we went to Sixth Ave to eat dinner. LOL, it was already 8pm when we left school. Ordered California Pizza and sat at the coffeeshop next door to eat. Actually we didn't really do much, just sit there, talk and act sian. Oh yeah, and watch TV because there was a television near us. ^^ Left for home at 9pm, so reached home at 10! Argh, so late. But got a seat on 157 so I slept the whole way. Wee.
I owe SO MUCH homework. Let's see. FMaths tutorial on partial fractions, Physics tutorial on scalars and vectors, Chemistry tutorial on mole concept, Chinese comprehension passage, FMaths tutorial on trigonometrical identities... I think that's it, but it's A LOT. Ho hum. Plus, tomorrow we have a Chemistry test on mass spectrometry. >< Oh no. I tried studying just now but I gave up.
I am dissatisfied with what tomorrow will bring. I shall be frank here, because, as I have said before, only a few people read this (whom I know, of course), and those who I mention here will not read it anyway. I am obliged to go and celebrate Debbie's birthday, which was on the 1st of Feb. So tomorrow EVENING they are going out. I have choir which will end at 5 plus, and I really want to go home and do my homework, which is piling up by the day. It's okay if they just want to go to Orchard and have a bite, but they're NOT. The reason why I dislike them so much is because they always want to act so GROWN UP and wear all those REVOLTING clothes (which always looks good on Debbie but as for the others *cough*) and go to all those STUPID places. We're apparently going to Clarke Quay tomorrow. I don't want to go. I want to go HOME. Going to Clarke Quay will mean that I will reach home supremely late. I'm reaching home really late everyday.
To tell the truth if it were with 5TORM or my class I wouldn't mind. But having to go out with THEM... it's a big problem. I've already tried to negotiate, but... oh well. I can't dodge the issue forever. But what I don't understand is why they want me there. Okay I feel honoured to have them think of me as a friend, but to tell the truth I'd rather not have anything to do with them at all. Argh, it's all so complicated. ><
The thing I am trying to say is that I don't want to go to celebrate Debbie's birthday, but I fell obliged to go. The tone of the messages they send me and their phone calls are so... beseeching. Like they're begging me to go. I haven't the heart to say no. ARGDdkfjs.
And they might be painting the banner on Saturday. I WANT TO HELP PAINT THE BANNER. But I have CIP. Oh well. That's fine too, actually. CIP is quite fun, and it's with people of my class. So it's all right. But I want to contribute to painting the banner. T_T
Oh yeah, I need to make a trip to Popular and buy my materials for V-DAY. They call it Friendship Day over here. Haha. So weird. Gonna try and write everyone a little something and give them a chocolate or something. LOL. That's my PLAN. But it never works out in the end.
01:48 / 0 comment(s) 
28 June, 2005
BWEE, I'm here again. Chem was the hurricane that came and gone. I'm not any more relieved that it's over, actually. In fact, I don't seem to feel better at all. But whatever.
Today in school, I was just thinking and reflecting. Even if these Blocks are over, the same things will still plague me. It seems kind of trivial when you view it against a backdrop of bigger things, but it's still kind of dominating me. It's the feeling that I'll never be able to catch up, always lag far behind.
I've had dreams, a few times, actually, of running and running towards something, but for some reason I can't move my legs fast enough, and before I reach my destination, it's slipped away and gone. Do you know how frustrating it feels, even though it was just a dream? How you feel all this power in your legs that you want to unleash and just make yourself go faster, your heart and mind willing for your feet to just go, but somehow you can't?
And now that school has started again, I'm once again reminded of how I inherently still can't get along with people. How I can't talk to them. How I feel so stupid and inadequate for not being able to talk to them. Even though I want to talk so much. I had so much to say.
Today in school, I was just thinking and reflecting. Even if these Blocks are over, the same things will still plague me. It seems kind of trivial when you view it against a backdrop of bigger things, but it's still kind of dominating me. It's the feeling that I'll never be able to catch up, always lag far behind.
I've had dreams, a few times, actually, of running and running towards something, but for some reason I can't move my legs fast enough, and before I reach my destination, it's slipped away and gone. Do you know how frustrating it feels, even though it was just a dream? How you feel all this power in your legs that you want to unleash and just make yourself go faster, your heart and mind willing for your feet to just go, but somehow you can't?
And now that school has started again, I'm once again reminded of how I inherently still can't get along with people. How I can't talk to them. How I feel so stupid and inadequate for not being able to talk to them. Even though I want to talk so much. I had so much to say.
23:25 / 0 comment(s)
27 June, 2005
Physics bombed. Dived. Sucked. Crap. What am I doing here? It occurs to me I haven't touched Chemistry for more than a month, and I'm going for an exam tomorrow.
But i guess I'm getting what I deserve, am I not? I guess so. Pah.
So I'm going to sit in the blasted hall tomorrow, trying not to fall asleep because it's a hot afternoon, seeing if I can get my papers to fly and then catch it before it lands. Amusement for the poor soul. I've sold it to the devil. Haha.
It's amusing me how I'm taking it all so lightly. It counts for 20% in our promos after all. I guess I don't mind taking 3 subs next year, because dropping F Maths seems super right now, but of course there's something called PRIDE. Already I'm feeling so. I don't know. Stupid. Lowly. Injured (baby bird). But as I said, I deserve it and nothing more.
This is my punishment (!!). I must serve out my sentence. BAHAHAHA. Sort of high and low at the same time.
But i guess I'm getting what I deserve, am I not? I guess so. Pah.
So I'm going to sit in the blasted hall tomorrow, trying not to fall asleep because it's a hot afternoon, seeing if I can get my papers to fly and then catch it before it lands. Amusement for the poor soul. I've sold it to the devil. Haha.
It's amusing me how I'm taking it all so lightly. It counts for 20% in our promos after all. I guess I don't mind taking 3 subs next year, because dropping F Maths seems super right now, but of course there's something called PRIDE. Already I'm feeling so. I don't know. Stupid. Lowly. Injured (baby bird). But as I said, I deserve it and nothing more.
This is my punishment (!!). I must serve out my sentence. BAHAHAHA. Sort of high and low at the same time.
22:22 / 0 comment(s)
23 June, 2005
"I don't know anybody, and nobody knows me. We spend our lives guessing at what's going on inside everybody else, and when we happen to get lucky and guess right, we think we "understand". Such nonsense. Even a monkey at a compuer will type a word now and then." - Miro (Xenocide, Orson Scott Card)
20:42 / 0 comment(s)
22 June, 2005
... Go Slowly Drifting By
As you can see, new layout. And stuff. Probably won't have time to do any new ones soon because mid-years are coming. Damn it. Anyway, yay! There's a sidebar. And there's like, more content *coughRECYCLEDcough*.
Finished reading Lucky Dog by Mark Barrowcliffe last night. At first I didn't like it at all and only persisted because of Reg the talking dog. But near the end, I found it fabulous and warm and touching. Yup. So I love it. And Reg is so... Reg. So dog-like. I love the way Barrowcliffe wrote about him. I must say I kind of dislike the main character David because I've never approved of gambling, even though he's staunchly honest, though a little weak, maybe? I also thought the ending was a little to Hollywood style. And too happy. At first I didn't really hate Lyndsey, but towards the end she just sounded like your classic backstabber. I thought if she AT LEAST had a good heart it would make a better character. Haha.
Oooh, my favourite chocolate of all time is Kinder. Not Bueno, just Kinder. It's just a little bar of choclate with milk chocolate inside that tastes exactly like the chocolate they use to make the eggshells of Kinder Surprise. Comes in little bars of about 8 x 1 cm, in boxes of 8. I need MORE.
P/S: Subject is courtesy of Simon and Garfunkel's The Sun Is Burning. An awesome song.
As you can see, new layout. And stuff. Probably won't have time to do any new ones soon because mid-years are coming. Damn it. Anyway, yay! There's a sidebar. And there's like, more content *coughRECYCLEDcough*.
Finished reading Lucky Dog by Mark Barrowcliffe last night. At first I didn't like it at all and only persisted because of Reg the talking dog. But near the end, I found it fabulous and warm and touching. Yup. So I love it. And Reg is so... Reg. So dog-like. I love the way Barrowcliffe wrote about him. I must say I kind of dislike the main character David because I've never approved of gambling, even though he's staunchly honest, though a little weak, maybe? I also thought the ending was a little to Hollywood style. And too happy. At first I didn't really hate Lyndsey, but towards the end she just sounded like your classic backstabber. I thought if she AT LEAST had a good heart it would make a better character. Haha.
Oooh, my favourite chocolate of all time is Kinder. Not Bueno, just Kinder. It's just a little bar of choclate with milk chocolate inside that tastes exactly like the chocolate they use to make the eggshells of Kinder Surprise. Comes in little bars of about 8 x 1 cm, in boxes of 8. I need MORE.
P/S: Subject is courtesy of Simon and Garfunkel's The Sun Is Burning. An awesome song.
16:50 / 0 comment(s)
19 June, 2005
Yo. I actually put some content on my site! LYK UMG. Okay. Er, click on the first link to your left, and it brings you to a page ABOUT MEEEE. Yay.
I'd actually remodel, but I really really like this layout. Wait, correction, I don't like the layout, just the picture on top. AHHHhhhh, flaming tree. *sigh* We go back a long way.
I'd actually remodel, but I really really like this layout. Wait, correction, I don't like the layout, just the picture on top. AHHHhhhh, flaming tree. *sigh* We go back a long way.
18:57 / 0 comment(s)
Dawn: Oh dear, my condolences to your dear pencil, and I hope you do find it soon! *sigh* I know I'm overly sentimental over stationery, but still.
Lari: Eh, I didn't know you read my blog. Haha. Do I really sound very stressed? Maybe deep down I am (you know, some fatal personality flaw or something), but not right now. =)
I know I still owe you guys a recount of the Malaysia trip -- believe me, I enjoyed myself. Well, not a WHOLE lot, compared to trips like the one I made to Genting last December, or for the Gold Coast choir trip in Sec 2, but you know, SHOPPING and stuff makes me quite happy, as well as loads of time on the bus to read.
Ooo, and talking about reading. I bought Arthur C. Clarke's Childhood's End! I'll finally get to read it. It's almost impossible to find in the library. I was going to get The Hitchhikers's Guide To The Galaxy, but they didn't have the whole series in stock at Kinokuniya, so I gave it a pass. Besides, I didn't want to get the movie tie-in version (how crude!), which was sadly the cheaper alternative.
Edit: Yay, I'm back. Got my new computer! It's super cool and fast, compared to my old one, which seems crappy and slow by comparison. Oh yeah, not to mention the new PRINTER. God, my old one was horrible and splattery and disgusting. Haha. This one's cute and compact, as well as fast. Yes, everything now is super fast. =)
Yesterday we went to celebrate Cheryl's birthday! Haha. Happy 17th! Met up with Cheryl (of course), Lari and Deb, all of whom I haven't seen for the longest time, so it felt quite good to catch up with the latest news and stuff. Yeah. Went to Starbucks at Wheelock's to sit down for a while in air-conditioned comfort while we decided where to go for dinner. Eventually Lari and Deb bought this lovely chocolate cake thing which we shared, because we felt kind of guilty for taking up space in the cafe. Finally we decided to go to Clarke Quay even though Cheryl had to rush to Toa Payoh for some meeting. Went to this place called Hooters, famous for their waitresses with awfully tiny shorts. What amused me was that we could see the bra padding of the waitress who served us, 'cos it was peeking over her top. Haha. I feel like a pervert for writing that down, but who cares. Anyway, the food wasn't that good, although we had some cocktails. After dinner, we went to Plaza Singapura to take neoprints. =) I didn't pay for them so I didn't get any. Darn. I was saving up my money so that I could buy something at Kinokuniya, which I did, happily! Yay.
Okay, so that's the end of the boring recount. Haha. Now I shall explore my nice new computer. XD
Lari: Eh, I didn't know you read my blog. Haha. Do I really sound very stressed? Maybe deep down I am (you know, some fatal personality flaw or something), but not right now. =)
I know I still owe you guys a recount of the Malaysia trip -- believe me, I enjoyed myself. Well, not a WHOLE lot, compared to trips like the one I made to Genting last December, or for the Gold Coast choir trip in Sec 2, but you know, SHOPPING and stuff makes me quite happy, as well as loads of time on the bus to read.
Ooo, and talking about reading. I bought Arthur C. Clarke's Childhood's End! I'll finally get to read it. It's almost impossible to find in the library. I was going to get The Hitchhikers's Guide To The Galaxy, but they didn't have the whole series in stock at Kinokuniya, so I gave it a pass. Besides, I didn't want to get the movie tie-in version (how crude!), which was sadly the cheaper alternative.
Edit: Yay, I'm back. Got my new computer! It's super cool and fast, compared to my old one, which seems crappy and slow by comparison. Oh yeah, not to mention the new PRINTER. God, my old one was horrible and splattery and disgusting. Haha. This one's cute and compact, as well as fast. Yes, everything now is super fast. =)
Yesterday we went to celebrate Cheryl's birthday! Haha. Happy 17th! Met up with Cheryl (of course), Lari and Deb, all of whom I haven't seen for the longest time, so it felt quite good to catch up with the latest news and stuff. Yeah. Went to Starbucks at Wheelock's to sit down for a while in air-conditioned comfort while we decided where to go for dinner. Eventually Lari and Deb bought this lovely chocolate cake thing which we shared, because we felt kind of guilty for taking up space in the cafe. Finally we decided to go to Clarke Quay even though Cheryl had to rush to Toa Payoh for some meeting. Went to this place called Hooters, famous for their waitresses with awfully tiny shorts. What amused me was that we could see the bra padding of the waitress who served us, 'cos it was peeking over her top. Haha. I feel like a pervert for writing that down, but who cares. Anyway, the food wasn't that good, although we had some cocktails. After dinner, we went to Plaza Singapura to take neoprints. =) I didn't pay for them so I didn't get any. Darn. I was saving up my money so that I could buy something at Kinokuniya, which I did, happily! Yay.
Okay, so that's the end of the boring recount. Haha. Now I shall explore my nice new computer. XD
02:10 / 0 comment(s)
11 June, 2005
The interview went horribly. I won't elaborate, because it really was a total disaster, and I wasn't speaking much sense, and I sounded absurd most of the time, even to myself. Said some things that really wasn't properly processed, especially because I wasn't feeling too well, which was one of the after-effects of the Malaysia trip and not sleeping well.
Ahh! Guess what? I just fixed my air con. Haha. Okay, maybe 'fixed' is not the right word. Perhaps the more appropriate expression would be 'banged-on-the-cover-to-make-it-work'. It has been doing that for some time, physically activating itself when I press the button on the remote control, but cold air doesn't come out. In fact, nothing comes out at all. What I usually did was to continually switch it on and off again, until it decided to work, but today it seemed more stubborn than ever, so I took my chair, crawled up on my dresser (which was a perilous adventure in itself), and gave it a few good knocks. I just hope it doesn't start leaking, which is an activity it's very partial to.
Anyway, blogged so I could complain about tomorrow, actually. Have choir elections tomorrow, and we as nominees (and I a reluctant one, frankly) have to do a short introduction-cum-VOTEFORME piece. I think it's a sort of informal, mostly ad-libbed thing, but I can't help but worry about it, especially since I am very likely to have to go first. Ah well, I'm probably going to make such a fool of myself, especially in front of the seniors (um, I mean, EXCO) who, after witnessing my disastrous interview, have already dismissed me as a L053R, will be laughing their asses off at my pathetic performance tomorrow.
How I dread it. I was supposed to make brownies with Dad.
Anyway, on a shopping with Mummy Dearest on Thursday, I bought Coldplay's X&Y! I'm not too happy about the immense publicity it's receiving though -- I'm the kind of revels in stuff that no one else likes, and am a product of it myself (I'm someone whom no one else likes! haha) -- but after giving it a few listens, I'd say that I prefer their previous album. However, I'm hoping it'd grow on me (already I'm liking White Shadows) the more I listen to it, just like their previous album did (THE SCIENTIST!).
It's time for a remodel, methinks. But it depends on whether I can come up with anything good. Per'aps not. I don't know. We'll see. Besides, I think I might be getting a new computer (YES YES YES!) to replace the supremely crapped out one I have downstairs. Going to Funan this Sunday to SHOPSHOPSHOP.
Ahh! Guess what? I just fixed my air con. Haha. Okay, maybe 'fixed' is not the right word. Perhaps the more appropriate expression would be 'banged-on-the-cover-to-make-it-work'. It has been doing that for some time, physically activating itself when I press the button on the remote control, but cold air doesn't come out. In fact, nothing comes out at all. What I usually did was to continually switch it on and off again, until it decided to work, but today it seemed more stubborn than ever, so I took my chair, crawled up on my dresser (which was a perilous adventure in itself), and gave it a few good knocks. I just hope it doesn't start leaking, which is an activity it's very partial to.
Anyway, blogged so I could complain about tomorrow, actually. Have choir elections tomorrow, and we as nominees (and I a reluctant one, frankly) have to do a short introduction-cum-VOTEFORME piece. I think it's a sort of informal, mostly ad-libbed thing, but I can't help but worry about it, especially since I am very likely to have to go first. Ah well, I'm probably going to make such a fool of myself, especially in front of the seniors (um, I mean, EXCO) who, after witnessing my disastrous interview, have already dismissed me as a L053R, will be laughing their asses off at my pathetic performance tomorrow.
How I dread it. I was supposed to make brownies with Dad.
Anyway, on a shopping with Mummy Dearest on Thursday, I bought Coldplay's X&Y! I'm not too happy about the immense publicity it's receiving though -- I'm the kind of revels in stuff that no one else likes, and am a product of it myself (I'm someone whom no one else likes! haha) -- but after giving it a few listens, I'd say that I prefer their previous album. However, I'm hoping it'd grow on me (already I'm liking White Shadows) the more I listen to it, just like their previous album did (THE SCIENTIST!).
It's time for a remodel, methinks. But it depends on whether I can come up with anything good. Per'aps not. I don't know. We'll see. Besides, I think I might be getting a new computer (YES YES YES!) to replace the supremely crapped out one I have downstairs. Going to Funan this Sunday to SHOPSHOPSHOP.
00:44 / 0 comment(s)
07 June, 2005
I'm back from the Malaysian trip, and I've got so much to say. To sum it up in one sentence, I feel that I am such a horrible (evil, pathetic and ugly) person. Especially when I'm around people like Lin Xin and Adora, who have such magnetic personalities, everyone just wants a piece of them. And not to mention the rest of the J1 girls, who are on a frequency I fail to tune into.
A lot of people mistaken me for Wen Qiang, a girl who I think is a little weird, but nice. Even though she's nice, it still hurts that people think I'm her, or she, me. It just goes to show that in their eyes I have no identity, just this image, an idea of some personality, floating about the edge of their vision. When I'm there they interact with me as they would any other person who doesn't mean much to them, and when I'm not they just dismiss the idea of me because in their hearts, there just isn't space to care for someone so insignificant.
This is like the time I grew a few extra layers of skin so that I could join Nicole and Adora for shopping. I wasn't having fun with Karen, Gong Yue and Wen Qiang, to tell the truth, the latter two being not much shoppers like me, and Karen getting on my nerves with her chattering and squealing and very fast conversations I can't catch. Said nerves are very frayed now and need lots of mending. But I digress. While with Nicole and Adora, anything I said and did didn't seem to affect anything, in a sense that I could just envision them doing the same things just as fine, or maybe even better, without me. I was just a tag-along, and I hate that feeling.
I think I know why I'm feeling the way I am, because I love attention. It seems as if a lot of the problems I face can be traced back to a few fatal flaws in my personality, ones that I'm trying desperately to change. I guess knowing what's wrong is the first baby step. But in the meantime it's wreaking havoc on my emotional health, and I came close to spinning out of control a few times.
Like when we went to the hotel in Penang, and Karen was so afraid of the hotel and kept on thinking that someone was watching her, because it WAS such a dodgy hotel with funny characters and retarded lifts and a claustrophobic stairwell with uneven steps. And she daren't sleep and daren't bathe and the seniors on our level who knew of this even fetched Mrs Goh down to reassure her. And throughout the whole trip she was whining for her mother and her own home. Several times I just wanted to shout at her, to tell her to grow up and that not all the time can we live in places that are safe and comfortable, but maybe I couldn't find the heart to, or maybe I just didn't want to pick a fight, or maybe I didn't want to tarnish whatever lousy reputation I had.
What made me really angry with her was what happened during the last day of the trip. I'm going to elaborate from the start of the matter, so this would be a little long.
Because we had our last concert the day before, we were not given any curfew for the last night of the trip. The J1s converged in Edmund and Benji's room to chat and have fun (where I was a mere presence, even though I was trying my hardest to participate actively), and some of the J1 girls went to sleep on their bed, and that included dear Karen, who is my room mate. As I have mentioned earlier, the hotel wasn't exactly one of the best, and we were explicitly told to go around in groups. Now what predicament did this put me in? With Karen asleep in the room, I couldn't possibly go back to ours. Besides, I didn't want to be a spoilsport and retire so early, so I stayed on and chatted and took photographs and supposedly had fun. Actually, I had to admit that I did, because I was able to make my presence more known that usual. You don't know how good it feels to have people laugh at your jokes, or what you say. It's like having someone respond to you for once, instead of getting ignored, like I am most of the time. After a while Nicole, Adora, Shawna and I felt rather bored at about 4am because a group was playing cards while another was singing hymns on the keyboard, both activities which we didn't particularly feel partial to, so we went to Nicole and Adora's room. Shawna was in about the same predicament as I was, because her key was with Melissa, who was asleep in the bed in Edmund and Benji's room. So we slept for about an hour or so, and woke up at 7am. I went back to my room to pack and wash up, and halfway Karen came in and said some things which I can't really remember, something vaguely about going downstairs with my luggage, and then left. I was washing my face at that time and had soap in my eyes and water everywhere, so I couldn't do much. When I went out, I realised that HER luggage was gone (it occured to me that that must be what she was going on about), and that I was alone to go down to the lobby myself. As I mentioned earlier, we were expected to go around in groups, and now Karen just stranded me in the fucking hotel room with my luggage. I was hopping mad, but duty kind of suppressed it because I knew I had to get down really soon. So throwing all caution to the wind, I went downstairs myself. Admittedly I WAS a little afraid, but luckily I didn't meet any odd personality on my way down.
Perhaps it doesn't sound like a big deal to you guys reading this, but it felt like a big deal to me, because it simply reinforced the idea that in the eyes of other people, I am worth NOTHING. Isn't it? Even Karen couldn't even think of waiting for me to go downstairs. I remember requesting her to do so, but she was pattering on and I was in such an uncomfortable position, bent over the sink with soap in my eyes, I just asked her to drop it since she wasn't acknowledging my words anyway.
I feel so much like lashing out at someone, even crying, but for some reason I can't. And it makes me feel even worse because all this rage and dissatisfaction is bottled up inside, and I'm certain that can't be healthy. Perhaps I just need someone to unload it all on, but as I said so many times I think it's become a mantra of mine, or some kind of twisted motto, There Is No One.
P/S: I'll write about the fun bits and the actual things we did in another post. These feelings have just been dominating me for the past few days and I simply had to get it off my chest. Not that I'm feeling better or anything, but it's better than nothing.
A lot of people mistaken me for Wen Qiang, a girl who I think is a little weird, but nice. Even though she's nice, it still hurts that people think I'm her, or she, me. It just goes to show that in their eyes I have no identity, just this image, an idea of some personality, floating about the edge of their vision. When I'm there they interact with me as they would any other person who doesn't mean much to them, and when I'm not they just dismiss the idea of me because in their hearts, there just isn't space to care for someone so insignificant.
This is like the time I grew a few extra layers of skin so that I could join Nicole and Adora for shopping. I wasn't having fun with Karen, Gong Yue and Wen Qiang, to tell the truth, the latter two being not much shoppers like me, and Karen getting on my nerves with her chattering and squealing and very fast conversations I can't catch. Said nerves are very frayed now and need lots of mending. But I digress. While with Nicole and Adora, anything I said and did didn't seem to affect anything, in a sense that I could just envision them doing the same things just as fine, or maybe even better, without me. I was just a tag-along, and I hate that feeling.
I think I know why I'm feeling the way I am, because I love attention. It seems as if a lot of the problems I face can be traced back to a few fatal flaws in my personality, ones that I'm trying desperately to change. I guess knowing what's wrong is the first baby step. But in the meantime it's wreaking havoc on my emotional health, and I came close to spinning out of control a few times.
Like when we went to the hotel in Penang, and Karen was so afraid of the hotel and kept on thinking that someone was watching her, because it WAS such a dodgy hotel with funny characters and retarded lifts and a claustrophobic stairwell with uneven steps. And she daren't sleep and daren't bathe and the seniors on our level who knew of this even fetched Mrs Goh down to reassure her. And throughout the whole trip she was whining for her mother and her own home. Several times I just wanted to shout at her, to tell her to grow up and that not all the time can we live in places that are safe and comfortable, but maybe I couldn't find the heart to, or maybe I just didn't want to pick a fight, or maybe I didn't want to tarnish whatever lousy reputation I had.
What made me really angry with her was what happened during the last day of the trip. I'm going to elaborate from the start of the matter, so this would be a little long.
Because we had our last concert the day before, we were not given any curfew for the last night of the trip. The J1s converged in Edmund and Benji's room to chat and have fun (where I was a mere presence, even though I was trying my hardest to participate actively), and some of the J1 girls went to sleep on their bed, and that included dear Karen, who is my room mate. As I have mentioned earlier, the hotel wasn't exactly one of the best, and we were explicitly told to go around in groups. Now what predicament did this put me in? With Karen asleep in the room, I couldn't possibly go back to ours. Besides, I didn't want to be a spoilsport and retire so early, so I stayed on and chatted and took photographs and supposedly had fun. Actually, I had to admit that I did, because I was able to make my presence more known that usual. You don't know how good it feels to have people laugh at your jokes, or what you say. It's like having someone respond to you for once, instead of getting ignored, like I am most of the time. After a while Nicole, Adora, Shawna and I felt rather bored at about 4am because a group was playing cards while another was singing hymns on the keyboard, both activities which we didn't particularly feel partial to, so we went to Nicole and Adora's room. Shawna was in about the same predicament as I was, because her key was with Melissa, who was asleep in the bed in Edmund and Benji's room. So we slept for about an hour or so, and woke up at 7am. I went back to my room to pack and wash up, and halfway Karen came in and said some things which I can't really remember, something vaguely about going downstairs with my luggage, and then left. I was washing my face at that time and had soap in my eyes and water everywhere, so I couldn't do much. When I went out, I realised that HER luggage was gone (it occured to me that that must be what she was going on about), and that I was alone to go down to the lobby myself. As I mentioned earlier, we were expected to go around in groups, and now Karen just stranded me in the fucking hotel room with my luggage. I was hopping mad, but duty kind of suppressed it because I knew I had to get down really soon. So throwing all caution to the wind, I went downstairs myself. Admittedly I WAS a little afraid, but luckily I didn't meet any odd personality on my way down.
Perhaps it doesn't sound like a big deal to you guys reading this, but it felt like a big deal to me, because it simply reinforced the idea that in the eyes of other people, I am worth NOTHING. Isn't it? Even Karen couldn't even think of waiting for me to go downstairs. I remember requesting her to do so, but she was pattering on and I was in such an uncomfortable position, bent over the sink with soap in my eyes, I just asked her to drop it since she wasn't acknowledging my words anyway.
I feel so much like lashing out at someone, even crying, but for some reason I can't. And it makes me feel even worse because all this rage and dissatisfaction is bottled up inside, and I'm certain that can't be healthy. Perhaps I just need someone to unload it all on, but as I said so many times I think it's become a mantra of mine, or some kind of twisted motto, There Is No One.
P/S: I'll write about the fun bits and the actual things we did in another post. These feelings have just been dominating me for the past few days and I simply had to get it off my chest. Not that I'm feeling better or anything, but it's better than nothing.
23:05 / 0 comment(s)
01 June, 2005
Haha, owe everyone a post, because I seriously haven't been blogging here for a long time. *wink*
To Dawn: Ooo, Les Choristes? WEEE. It's a great movie. XD
Anyhow, I'm leaving on Friday for what seems like an exciting trip with the choir to Malaysia! I hope it'll be an awesome five days, and maybe I'll have enough stamina left after that to blog about it. =)
What's been going on the past few days? Briefly, went for EEP week, where my electives where Archery (2 days) and Clay Target Shooting (1 day), had an interview to join the faculty comittee, and went for a hell lot of choir practices (okay, TWO).
Oh yeah, on Saturday while on my way to choir prac, I was on the bus. Just as I was passing by Lay Ning's house, I looked out of the window and there she was! Haha. Talk about coincidence. =)
Argh, nothing much to blog about, really. Ripping songs from my CDs now so that I can transfer them to my MP3 player, to last me the coach ride from Singapore to KL and back. Ehh. 10 hours. I need lots of entertainment. I'm so lucky I went to the library to borrow books! Haha. I got 2 brainless fluffy romance novels, The Marriage of Sticks by Jonathan Carroll (who is one of my favourite authors) and Chasm City by Alastair Reynolds, I think. I wanted to get Absolution Gap, but it was in a horribly big and heavy hardcover edition so I didn't. Mwee.
I simply love the way Carroll writes. His prose just flows. And makes a hell lot of sense. If you have to time, go to your library and borrow any of his books. I recommend The Land of Laughs, which is simply magical(ly sinister). Haha.
Okay, enough crap about books, I know everyone's bored by it. =P
Today I watched Kingdom of Heaven. Hmm, I think I'm weird, but I was bored by it. Eeehh. I even fell asleep halfway. Oh no. Haha. Can't appreciate supposedly good films. Nevermind, I paid $7 to sit in a nice fluffy chair. Yay.
Ooo! Coldplay's new album is coming out soon. It's released on June 6 and 7 in UK and US/Canada respectively, but I haven't checked out Singapore's release dates. I hope it's very very soon. Plan to get it after I come back from Singapore. Mwee.
To Dawn: Ooo, Les Choristes? WEEE. It's a great movie. XD
Anyhow, I'm leaving on Friday for what seems like an exciting trip with the choir to Malaysia! I hope it'll be an awesome five days, and maybe I'll have enough stamina left after that to blog about it. =)
What's been going on the past few days? Briefly, went for EEP week, where my electives where Archery (2 days) and Clay Target Shooting (1 day), had an interview to join the faculty comittee, and went for a hell lot of choir practices (okay, TWO).
Oh yeah, on Saturday while on my way to choir prac, I was on the bus. Just as I was passing by Lay Ning's house, I looked out of the window and there she was! Haha. Talk about coincidence. =)
Argh, nothing much to blog about, really. Ripping songs from my CDs now so that I can transfer them to my MP3 player, to last me the coach ride from Singapore to KL and back. Ehh. 10 hours. I need lots of entertainment. I'm so lucky I went to the library to borrow books! Haha. I got 2 brainless fluffy romance novels, The Marriage of Sticks by Jonathan Carroll (who is one of my favourite authors) and Chasm City by Alastair Reynolds, I think. I wanted to get Absolution Gap, but it was in a horribly big and heavy hardcover edition so I didn't. Mwee.
I simply love the way Carroll writes. His prose just flows. And makes a hell lot of sense. If you have to time, go to your library and borrow any of his books. I recommend The Land of Laughs, which is simply magical(ly sinister). Haha.
Okay, enough crap about books, I know everyone's bored by it. =P
Today I watched Kingdom of Heaven. Hmm, I think I'm weird, but I was bored by it. Eeehh. I even fell asleep halfway. Oh no. Haha. Can't appreciate supposedly good films. Nevermind, I paid $7 to sit in a nice fluffy chair. Yay.
Ooo! Coldplay's new album is coming out soon. It's released on June 6 and 7 in UK and US/Canada respectively, but I haven't checked out Singapore's release dates. I hope it's very very soon. Plan to get it after I come back from Singapore. Mwee.
20:56 / 0 comment(s)