24 May, 2005
It's almost been a week since I last posted. H0 hum. Have been feeling markedly happier, mainly because GPP is one thing off my mind, and hell, it was quite a heavy load.
Bought Iain Bank's The Wasp Factory and Orson Scott Card's Shadow Of The Giant! YAY. So happy. Wanted The Crow Road too, but it wasn't in stock. Oh well.
Starting EEP tomorrow, doing Archery. Haha. Hope it'll be fun.
Apologies for lack of details, don't really feel like writing anything.
Bought Iain Bank's The Wasp Factory and Orson Scott Card's Shadow Of The Giant! YAY. So happy. Wanted The Crow Road too, but it wasn't in stock. Oh well.
Starting EEP tomorrow, doing Archery. Haha. Hope it'll be fun.
Apologies for lack of details, don't really feel like writing anything.
19:50 / 0 comment(s) 
18 May, 2005
Was just on the phone bitching about PW to Rachel. I must say it made me feel better, but it sadly didn't help the situation any. I'm just so fed up with PW and GPP: fuck it all. And to think this is just the beginning, just the start, and that there's half a year more, of MY blood, MY toil, MY work.
That's the problem. I'm doing all the fucking work in the group. All the substantial work, anyway. Like typing up the GPPs, which takes a hell lot of time because it's not just mere words on paper, not just constructed tables of dates and times... though I wish it were.
Of course I must admit I couldn't do it ALL by myself. Many of the ideas are not mine. In fact they came about because the group discussed about it. But why does the work of putting it all together fall on ME alone? Why am I always alone?
And this brings me to another point, which is how group discussions are always led by ME. On Monday when we were in the computer lab, I spent half the fucking time trying to get them to fucking respond. Okay, it might because I'm the fucking "leader" of the group, but I became the "leader" only because I made the discussion WORK the first time we met up as a group. Seriously, do you think anything would have been done if I was not there, or doing anything? I'm sorry if this sounds like a huge ego trip, because I wish it were, but it's not. I'd rather not be the one doing all the work, initiating all the discussions. I'd rather be some ordinary member who contributes constructively. Then why do I even initiate the discussions anyway, why do I even try? Because damnit, it's an examinable subject, and I don't want to fail it or do badly in it. The only downside is that THEY get the fucking credit too, for blood and tears they didn't shed.
I'm not saying I won't give credit to the work they did. Of course I would, and gladly too, but the problem is that there ISN'T MUCH WORK THEY DID AT ALL. In fact it seems as if they don't fucking care. Maybe the want to help, but if they did, they would have approached me about it, ask about it, offer HELP. Oh, wait, they did offer help. But what is it that Guest-Of-Honour said at today's Investiture? It's not asking people if they need help that makes you a good leader, it's actually getting down on your knees and getting your hands dirty that counts. I know the context is a bit off, but the point is the same. Just asking and offering help doesn't make a difference, it's ACTUALLY HELPING that counts.
I don't know what to do. My parents have been harping on me to get enough sleep. They've been forcing me to go to bed before 12. So today I defiantly said to my mother, "I'm going to sleep TOMORROW," when she asked me when I was going to bed.
Fuck it, I don't think I can finish it. It isn't difficult, is it? It's just mere words on paper, just constructed tables of dates and times...
15:20 / 0 comment(s)
15 May, 2005
<!-- I'm not making sense -->
I'm always generally happier when I'm not in school, and I think I've said this before. It isn't as if I'm morose and depressed when I am, it's just that I'm in a general funk most of the time, while at home I'm feeling more optimistic and carefree. I don't want to feel that way, but it's hard because I just can't seem to isolate myself enough to feel detached from everything. It might be a part of nature, it might be a part of me, I'm not sure, but there's just something in me that craves company -- and I tell you, that is not a good thing. I'm so much happier alone. Yet because school is a social environment, I see others, happily cocooned in their friends and love and happiness and all things good, and I get jealous and want to feel that way too. I don't deny that I do have friends, because I do and they're great and all. But the problem is me and I am the root of my own pain. Pushing myself away when I want to rush in headlong and jump in with nary a concern. I am my own hypocrite.
<!-- end rant -->
I've been re-reading Speaker For The Dead and falling in love with it all over again. For some reason I've grown to like the other 3 books more than Ender's Game, which happens to be more popular. Perhaps it's because I want to be different, but it's also because the other 3 are so much deeper and more meaningful, in a different way. And Speaker For The Dead is probably the best of them all. I don't think I could get tired reading it -- there's not a boring bit in the book, and all the characters intrigue me, not to mention Ender himself. I just wish he were real (or here).
So I'm bringing it to school tomorrow. I only hope I can find time to read it, especially if I'm not feeling good. Because just devouring the words, the paragraphs, the prose, it makes me feel better, because Ender is there and he'll make it better.
<!-- and I'm still not making sense -->
I'm always generally happier when I'm not in school, and I think I've said this before. It isn't as if I'm morose and depressed when I am, it's just that I'm in a general funk most of the time, while at home I'm feeling more optimistic and carefree. I don't want to feel that way, but it's hard because I just can't seem to isolate myself enough to feel detached from everything. It might be a part of nature, it might be a part of me, I'm not sure, but there's just something in me that craves company -- and I tell you, that is not a good thing. I'm so much happier alone. Yet because school is a social environment, I see others, happily cocooned in their friends and love and happiness and all things good, and I get jealous and want to feel that way too. I don't deny that I do have friends, because I do and they're great and all. But the problem is me and I am the root of my own pain. Pushing myself away when I want to rush in headlong and jump in with nary a concern. I am my own hypocrite.
<!-- end rant -->
I've been re-reading Speaker For The Dead and falling in love with it all over again. For some reason I've grown to like the other 3 books more than Ender's Game, which happens to be more popular. Perhaps it's because I want to be different, but it's also because the other 3 are so much deeper and more meaningful, in a different way. And Speaker For The Dead is probably the best of them all. I don't think I could get tired reading it -- there's not a boring bit in the book, and all the characters intrigue me, not to mention Ender himself. I just wish he were real (or here).
So I'm bringing it to school tomorrow. I only hope I can find time to read it, especially if I'm not feeling good. Because just devouring the words, the paragraphs, the prose, it makes me feel better, because Ender is there and he'll make it better.
<!-- and I'm still not making sense -->
16:06 / 0 comment(s)
13 May, 2005
Haven't blogged for quite some time, but isn't that always the case?
To Dawn: Really? You guys are doing Sec 4 A Maths stuff? I'm so jealous. But yeah, it comes with pros and cons. Is Yingwan doing the same Maths as you? She must be kind of bored. I read on her blog about her finishing her tutorials ahead of time... over here I'm trying to finish my tutorials before the end of term. Ehh. I'm having problems, as you can see. But oh well. Anyhoo, hope to see you soon! 5TORM hasn't been able to have a proper meeting, mainly because of me. Ehh. *guilt* Rocks, and thanks for leaving occasional comments on my blog! I might not reply every time, but I'm grateful for every single one. =)
Actually, I don't know what I'm doing online today, I guess I'm feeling quite happy. It's best to blog when I'm happy, so I won't bore you guys to death with details of my angst. XD
Well as you know, my life currently revolves around school, which is quite pathetic if you think about it. But it can't be helped, because it's true. I'd be ever so happy if I finally cleared the pile of homework that seems to exist for the sole purpose of increasing exponentially. But I won't go into details because I'm sure you don't really want to know of the (unhealthy) state my homework is in.
Today (I don't know why I'm doing a recount again when it doesn't matter, but who cares) we had the dreaded Maths lecture test in the morning. I wouldn't say it sucked, although I'm sure I can't secure a pass (when Poh Wei conveniently told me after the test, "I think I can scrape an 'A'." I had to make him repeat his statement before I decided I understood it), it was the kind of test where you have the feeling that you'd be able to do it as long as they gave you enough damn time, and for me, my notes would be a huge help. Obviously I haven't studied.
After the horrible lecture test, the Chem and Econs people trudged off to their respective tutorials. I was trying to hide the whole of Chem basically, because I hadn't finished my Bonding (II) tutorial. Thankfully Miss Tan didn't notice (or pretended not to notice) or I would have been killed. Well, I got roasted anyway, but it was with more than half of the class for not bringing the Chem TYS, but that doesn't count.
Lately Rachel, You Jin and I have taken to going out of school to eat, even if we only have one break or it's too early to legally go out of school. But we do it anyway, brazenly walking through the canteen crammed full of students, out the giant potted plant-lined carpark and past the big gates. Methinks Friday has become a Delifrance day, because we went to their small outlet at NTUC in Coro last week as well as today. We'll most probably do it again next week. It's a perfect day to do so because right after our break is Physics lecture, when it doesn't matter if we're a little late or not. But we aren't, anyway.
Physics lecture was *gasp* Samuel Tan! We were all groaning like there was no tomorrow. I liked the previous lecturer, the one who did circular motion and gravitation. I find him patient and willing to slowly explain concepts. Mr Tan gives the impression that he's speaking to himself as he goes on and on and on and on...
PW was next, which was super sucky because I hate PW and so does everyone else. To tell the truth, my groups GPP is kinda cool, but there are some feasibility problems that we had to overcome. But guess what? I just checked the group email address just now and we got a reply from the company with our questions answered! YAY. I am so happy. Now we can prove to Mr Koh that it will WORK! AHHHH I'm so happy. XD
Yup. Then it was Physics SPA. I shan't write about it because I'm a good girl and Mr Tan said that all schools have the same question yada yada yada... so yeah. After SPA we went to A405 and then got dismissed. It was kind of -.-;; because he could have just dismissed us from the LAB, but no, we had to walk all the way to A405 (read: A block, 4th floor, when we were at B block, 2nd floor...) and then be dismissed from there. Argh. At least he dismissed us. Went to class bench to slack and play with my G.C., got bored and went to help sew the choir banner. Then choir banner seriously ROCKS. It is so freaking cool. XD I'm going to school tomorrow to help complete it and hang it up. YAAAAAY!
Yup, after sewing for a while (I shan't lie and say I did a lot when I didn't), went for Body Language, a competition between five self-formed dance groups who have pulled through to the finals, as well as the M.A.D. Dance SYF piece which I like a lot (plus Rachel was in it), and the Danceworks HC and NYP team! Woah, they're really really good.
Yeah, actually that's it for my day. It's pretty boring and not one of my more eventful days, but it was generally a happy day despite everything. Ahaha. Anyhoo, hope this is a sufficiently long post to keep you guys going in this drought! I'm certainly not the most interesting writer around.
Thought: I realise my post titles are seldom directly related to anything I write about. Oh well, I want to watch Dances With Wolves anyway, even though I haven't before. It sounds nice.
To Dawn: Really? You guys are doing Sec 4 A Maths stuff? I'm so jealous. But yeah, it comes with pros and cons. Is Yingwan doing the same Maths as you? She must be kind of bored. I read on her blog about her finishing her tutorials ahead of time... over here I'm trying to finish my tutorials before the end of term. Ehh. I'm having problems, as you can see. But oh well. Anyhoo, hope to see you soon! 5TORM hasn't been able to have a proper meeting, mainly because of me. Ehh. *guilt* Rocks, and thanks for leaving occasional comments on my blog! I might not reply every time, but I'm grateful for every single one. =)
Actually, I don't know what I'm doing online today, I guess I'm feeling quite happy. It's best to blog when I'm happy, so I won't bore you guys to death with details of my angst. XD
Well as you know, my life currently revolves around school, which is quite pathetic if you think about it. But it can't be helped, because it's true. I'd be ever so happy if I finally cleared the pile of homework that seems to exist for the sole purpose of increasing exponentially. But I won't go into details because I'm sure you don't really want to know of the (unhealthy) state my homework is in.
Today (I don't know why I'm doing a recount again when it doesn't matter, but who cares) we had the dreaded Maths lecture test in the morning. I wouldn't say it sucked, although I'm sure I can't secure a pass (when Poh Wei conveniently told me after the test, "I think I can scrape an 'A'." I had to make him repeat his statement before I decided I understood it), it was the kind of test where you have the feeling that you'd be able to do it as long as they gave you enough damn time, and for me, my notes would be a huge help. Obviously I haven't studied.
After the horrible lecture test, the Chem and Econs people trudged off to their respective tutorials. I was trying to hide the whole of Chem basically, because I hadn't finished my Bonding (II) tutorial. Thankfully Miss Tan didn't notice (or pretended not to notice) or I would have been killed. Well, I got roasted anyway, but it was with more than half of the class for not bringing the Chem TYS, but that doesn't count.
Lately Rachel, You Jin and I have taken to going out of school to eat, even if we only have one break or it's too early to legally go out of school. But we do it anyway, brazenly walking through the canteen crammed full of students, out the giant potted plant-lined carpark and past the big gates. Methinks Friday has become a Delifrance day, because we went to their small outlet at NTUC in Coro last week as well as today. We'll most probably do it again next week. It's a perfect day to do so because right after our break is Physics lecture, when it doesn't matter if we're a little late or not. But we aren't, anyway.
Physics lecture was *gasp* Samuel Tan! We were all groaning like there was no tomorrow. I liked the previous lecturer, the one who did circular motion and gravitation. I find him patient and willing to slowly explain concepts. Mr Tan gives the impression that he's speaking to himself as he goes on and on and on and on...
PW was next, which was super sucky because I hate PW and so does everyone else. To tell the truth, my groups GPP is kinda cool, but there are some feasibility problems that we had to overcome. But guess what? I just checked the group email address just now and we got a reply from the company with our questions answered! YAY. I am so happy. Now we can prove to Mr Koh that it will WORK! AHHHH I'm so happy. XD
Yup. Then it was Physics SPA. I shan't write about it because I'm a good girl and Mr Tan said that all schools have the same question yada yada yada... so yeah. After SPA we went to A405 and then got dismissed. It was kind of -.-;; because he could have just dismissed us from the LAB, but no, we had to walk all the way to A405 (read: A block, 4th floor, when we were at B block, 2nd floor...) and then be dismissed from there. Argh. At least he dismissed us. Went to class bench to slack and play with my G.C., got bored and went to help sew the choir banner. Then choir banner seriously ROCKS. It is so freaking cool. XD I'm going to school tomorrow to help complete it and hang it up. YAAAAAY!
Yup, after sewing for a while (I shan't lie and say I did a lot when I didn't), went for Body Language, a competition between five self-formed dance groups who have pulled through to the finals, as well as the M.A.D. Dance SYF piece which I like a lot (plus Rachel was in it), and the Danceworks HC and NYP team! Woah, they're really really good.
Yeah, actually that's it for my day. It's pretty boring and not one of my more eventful days, but it was generally a happy day despite everything. Ahaha. Anyhoo, hope this is a sufficiently long post to keep you guys going in this drought! I'm certainly not the most interesting writer around.
Thought: I realise my post titles are seldom directly related to anything I write about. Oh well, I want to watch Dances With Wolves anyway, even though I haven't before. It sounds nice.
21:12 / 0 comment(s)
10 May, 2005
So many feelings, but one dominant one. And school's eating me alive. I need the willpower to stay awake. And to stop digressing. Ehh.
Been having fun with my new graphic calculator lately, a little spark in my otherwise stressed life, which, if it had a colour, would be aptly grey. Having a little problem with the shell though. Blah. Trying to fix it. I promise I'll do my GPP like, now.
Been having fun with my new graphic calculator lately, a little spark in my otherwise stressed life, which, if it had a colour, would be aptly grey. Having a little problem with the shell though. Blah. Trying to fix it. I promise I'll do my GPP like, now.
20:34 / 0 comment(s)
01 May, 2005
Note from the future: This is a post regarding version 14 of Greyprism.
I like the picture. I really do. The layout almost wasn't going to be like that though, but I guess Painter 7 screwing up is a blessing in disguise. I almost couldn't think of what to colour the tree because I didn't want it to be green like the hill. Besides, green'd be boring. So I set it on fire. I apologise if the font is too damn small, but you know what? I don't care. Because I like it this way. Blah. This layout has many flaws, and I feel rather uncomfortable with them lying around, but I haven't the time to perfect it and neaten my code. It's all in a mess but as long as it looks fine, I guess it'll do until I get around to tidying it up. Like that would ever happen.
Finished A10. Not surprised, really, seeing that everyone told me it was doable within a day. I've decided that I hate differentiation though, as much as I hate myself for wasting my whole day doing nothing else. Argh. Well, I still have a lot of work to complete so it doesn't make a difference.
Choir tomorrow. I hope I'll enjoy the practice as much as I did the last. You know what? I'm not surprised Miss Lim knows my name. Actually, she has a great memory for names. I bet she can remember the names of every single person in every choir she conducts. That just goes to show how much she loves her choirs. =)
Ah well. I don't know what I'm doing. What the hell was I thinking when I started on the remodel today? I don't know. I realise I've been asking lots of questions lately, ones without answers. That's bad. Everything in life should have an answer. That's why I take the combi I do.
I like the picture. I really do. The layout almost wasn't going to be like that though, but I guess Painter 7 screwing up is a blessing in disguise. I almost couldn't think of what to colour the tree because I didn't want it to be green like the hill. Besides, green'd be boring. So I set it on fire. I apologise if the font is too damn small, but you know what? I don't care. Because I like it this way. Blah. This layout has many flaws, and I feel rather uncomfortable with them lying around, but I haven't the time to perfect it and neaten my code. It's all in a mess but as long as it looks fine, I guess it'll do until I get around to tidying it up. Like that would ever happen.
Finished A10. Not surprised, really, seeing that everyone told me it was doable within a day. I've decided that I hate differentiation though, as much as I hate myself for wasting my whole day doing nothing else. Argh. Well, I still have a lot of work to complete so it doesn't make a difference.
Choir tomorrow. I hope I'll enjoy the practice as much as I did the last. You know what? I'm not surprised Miss Lim knows my name. Actually, she has a great memory for names. I bet she can remember the names of every single person in every choir she conducts. That just goes to show how much she loves her choirs. =)
Ah well. I don't know what I'm doing. What the hell was I thinking when I started on the remodel today? I don't know. I realise I've been asking lots of questions lately, ones without answers. That's bad. Everything in life should have an answer. That's why I take the combi I do.
22:39 / 0 comment(s)
I Have A Dream- Abba
I have a dream
A song to sing
To help me cope
With anything
I tend to have recurring dreams. Not in the traditional sense, I guess, where people dream about the exact same thing over and over again but rather recurring places that don't exist out of my dreamscape. Most of the time the same things happen, but today something was different, and I was pleasantly surprised, because new people populated it. It was an odd experience, but it felt kind of good. I like dreams. I don't have nightmares, again, not in the traditional sense. Sometimes I have dreams that creep me out, but I like them anyway. I like how they seem so real, how they allow me to experience new things. I go through phases sometimes, when I can remember almost every dream I have, and during those periods, I really look forward to going to sleep, because I wonder what will happen in my dreams. It's like a serial that I'm addicted to. It's fun.
Today woke up late. Argh. Was about 5 min late for choir. How embarrassing. I don't like how Amanda sounds so intimidating when she asks why I'm late. I mean, I'm sorry, but I think I sounded rather rude in my reply because her tone provoked me. As you can tell, this isn't the first time I'm late. But blah. You know, responsibility and all that.
I think I had fun during choir today, not because of the people, definitely, because I don't think I'm very close to them, but more because I really felt good singing today. We might not have sounded our best, but I'd say I enjoyed how we sounded anyway. Sometimes I feel as if I'm sick of singing, especially during CCA in the afternoon, because I'm just so tired. Digressing a little, I must say I have no idea why I'm tired so much of the time. I think it has a lot to do with my defeatist attitude. I know I should change, but. But.
You know what? I finally finished A9. I know I should feel a sense of achievement or whatever, but I don't. Instead I feel even more bogged down than before, because by finishing it, it just reminds me of just how much work I have to do. Yet do you know what I've been doing these past few nights? I spent the whole of Friday night watching TV for 8 hours straight. And 3 more today. Damn. I don't know. Maybe I've pushed myself past the breaking point (er, I think 'pushed' is wrong... more like 'I want to pretend I've pushed'). I've been indulging myself, maybe it's to rebel against all the tasks I have to complete. To just say to it, in the face: FUCK OFF. That kind of thing. I know I shouldn't. Yet I am.Why? Hmm. There's some food for thought.
I've just thought of one thing not good about staying up late: you get really really hungry. Ugh. Anyhoo, this ends my post. Bah. Shall wake up and do more work tomorrow. (Yeah right, like you're going to actually DO anything. Slacker.)
I can sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow too.
I have a dream
A song to sing
To help me cope
With anything
I tend to have recurring dreams. Not in the traditional sense, I guess, where people dream about the exact same thing over and over again but rather recurring places that don't exist out of my dreamscape. Most of the time the same things happen, but today something was different, and I was pleasantly surprised, because new people populated it. It was an odd experience, but it felt kind of good. I like dreams. I don't have nightmares, again, not in the traditional sense. Sometimes I have dreams that creep me out, but I like them anyway. I like how they seem so real, how they allow me to experience new things. I go through phases sometimes, when I can remember almost every dream I have, and during those periods, I really look forward to going to sleep, because I wonder what will happen in my dreams. It's like a serial that I'm addicted to. It's fun.
Today woke up late. Argh. Was about 5 min late for choir. How embarrassing. I don't like how Amanda sounds so intimidating when she asks why I'm late. I mean, I'm sorry, but I think I sounded rather rude in my reply because her tone provoked me. As you can tell, this isn't the first time I'm late. But blah. You know, responsibility and all that.
I think I had fun during choir today, not because of the people, definitely, because I don't think I'm very close to them, but more because I really felt good singing today. We might not have sounded our best, but I'd say I enjoyed how we sounded anyway. Sometimes I feel as if I'm sick of singing, especially during CCA in the afternoon, because I'm just so tired. Digressing a little, I must say I have no idea why I'm tired so much of the time. I think it has a lot to do with my defeatist attitude. I know I should change, but. But.
You know what? I finally finished A9. I know I should feel a sense of achievement or whatever, but I don't. Instead I feel even more bogged down than before, because by finishing it, it just reminds me of just how much work I have to do. Yet do you know what I've been doing these past few nights? I spent the whole of Friday night watching TV for 8 hours straight. And 3 more today. Damn. I don't know. Maybe I've pushed myself past the breaking point (er, I think 'pushed' is wrong... more like 'I want to pretend I've pushed'). I've been indulging myself, maybe it's to rebel against all the tasks I have to complete. To just say to it, in the face: FUCK OFF. That kind of thing. I know I shouldn't. Yet I am.Why? Hmm. There's some food for thought.
I've just thought of one thing not good about staying up late: you get really really hungry. Ugh. Anyhoo, this ends my post. Bah. Shall wake up and do more work tomorrow. (Yeah right, like you're going to actually DO anything. Slacker.)
03:07 / 0 comment(s)