qian (altessa), girl, 20, bespectacled, sci-fi, bookworm, more? aprilesque is version 7, photoshop7, original art, get your own, more? 5TORM Kathy, Dawn, Yingwan, Weiqi 05S34 class blog, Hui Fang, Jason, Poh Wei, Rachel, Wei Jie, You Jin, Yvette, Zirui friends Wen Lin, Natalie, Elyse, SozoS, Sam archives When browsing through the archives, please keep in mind that they are pieces of who I was, not who I am. People grow, people change, and I am only human. go? lyrics Hotspur - Heads/Tails, Stars of Track and Field - End of All Time, Dashboard Confessional - Hell On The Throat

It's this feeling of inability, this feeling that you're not doing your best, that you're compromising yourself. Toss that with apprehensiveness, open eyes and clenched fists. Mix in a pinch of words that you aren't really sure are there. It feels like I'm gaping in a world full of water, trying to breathe but not breathing because I know I can't, yet I want to feed my oxygen-starved lungs.

I feel. So damn much. But not enough to know what is it other people think of me. Why do I want to know?

You know the fun cannot last forever.
You know the laughter will die one day.
But still you try,
And keep that smile on your face. =)

How things change in a space of two weeks, but will things stay the same? To tell the truth, I've already tried to dig myself out of the hole I was in, and I would say I succeeded to an extent. I guess you can't erase all the memories, and they will always be a reminder of how good things once were and how disparately different things are now. But I know the past will always be glorious, at least in my memory, because of the uncanny ability our minds have to edit out bits that weren't so glorious after all, and leaving the jewels of happiness embedded in our minds.

I've been surfing around blogs lately, peeking into the lives of my classmates, prying into their minds. I feel a little intrusive, but I try to quell my conscience by telling myself that if they're posting this stuff on the 'net, it's as good as giving their consensus to it being read.

It seems that many of us are in the same boat (yet on hindsight it might not...), and that we're all struggling with life in HC, because with it comes the pressure to do well, self-imposed or not. And along with the academic expectation that have been placed on us, we're all feeling a little out-of-sorts, and that's just speaking generally. We've all got our problems, and no one's are more important than another's, yet it always feels as if it's yourself who's at the bottom of the ladder, the one who needs the most help, the one who needs to fight the hardest, the one who's most disadvantaged. Actually I was a bit afraid to say that, because I'm not sure if I'm right, but I reckoned that it must have a grain of truth in it, because that's how I feel.

I must say that I feel helpless with regard to the problems others face. For me, it's rather like a paradox: I always desire to see people happy, and when I'm not the reason of their happiness, it is I who imposes on all these people, doing things which might make them unhappy. It's the little green demon in me again, shouting and screaming in my head (or whispering in my ear, I'm not sure), wanting to be the centre of attention, wanting to be the reason why everyone else exists. It makes me ashamed. But I know I am not everything, and that I cannot be everything to everyone or anyone. Somehow this leads me to question my very self, because I don't know how much of myself I have given away. Have I, at all? To give is to receive and only by giving can you receive... if I don't give, how can I receive others?

Maybe I'm too simple at times. I'm not very sensitive to people or their feelings, and the little green demon takes up a bit too much of me sometimes, and I don't really seem aware of how others are feeling, especially when I'm not feeling too peachy myself. It's so difficult to extract yourself and learn to live for others. I want to do that, to make my presence one which others welcome and not shun. 'Nobody said it was easy' (The Scientist, Coldplay). That line is so true, one which I repeat it too many times a day simply because it is so inevitable.

It's easy to go from our day-to-day, into our tomorrow and the next. But to live and make a difference, no matter how small is the challenge.

-----

Saturday was a long day. Met the choir at Bedok bus interchange at 8am, then went to TJC for choir practice. It was a good practice because we sounded fine during our warm ups and stuff, but when it was our turn to perform, we were a bunch of shivering nerves, shivering because it was so damn cold. And we didn't sing well at all. >< The TJ auditorium rocks, because it's blue. XD

Anyway, I was proud of myself that day because I plucked myself out of my comfort zone. Went for lunch with Adora, Nicole, Guo Wei and Emmett that day, instead of sticking to the Sops like I would usually do. Felt a bit awkward at first, but I made an effort to talk and listen to what they were saying. They're not exactly the kind of people I might hang around with, but they're funny and a bit crap, so it was quite an enjoyable lunch.

After choir, went to Orchard to meet Kathy. I miss her and the rest of 5TORM a lot. Actually it's kind of selfish why I feel that way, because they're my comfort zone, the very essence of it. When I'm with them, I totally abandon all self-consciousness and behave the way I want to behave, say what I want to say, do what I want to do. It's an unpretentious relationship. To tell the truth, right now I'm saying and doing only the right things -- or at least, I try to. Is it pretentious, to do things like that? It's totally contrary to what I said I wanted to do, to give a bit of myself to people. But I'm doing it anyway. I'm so contradictory.

Went to buy cheesecake for the class potluck we were going to at Takashimaya, then went to Kinokuniya for a little walk-around. For me, it was to remind myself about my long-going love affair I have with books because I just haven't had the time to read them lately. I think I might squeeze in a little of The Bridge tonight if I can afford it. =)

After that, took the NEL and walked to Candice's house. We took a right turn which we weren't supposed to and couldn't find her house. Eep. After calling Selene, we did manage to find our way. But I'm still rather proud of my navigating skills, because I did take us somewhere close to our destination, even if we were a road off. ^^

Saw part of 4D'04, and did a bit of catching up with them. It was sort of fun, but sort of not-very-fun too, mainly because I was making an effort to socialise, and that I could feel that Kathy and I had nothing much to say to them at all. The latter is due to us not being very close to them, and it's a sad fact. However, I got wind of some intriguing gossip, like how Steffi has a significant other, while Janice even brought hers along. My my, how 4D has grown up. But someone tell me why I'm not surprised?

Left rather early, at about 9. I didn't want to stay any longer. I know it's wrong, and I supposedly love 4D to bits, but just somehow, time has dulled my loyalties to the class. It's just a few people whom I cling on to. I guess the tide of time has revealed just how weak the ties in our class are, and the consequence of being made up of too many cliques. Oh well, that's life. In fact Kathy and I considered not even going at all, but I guess we should all make an effort to keep in touch. We've all shared a significant part of our lives together after all, and not to honour such a time-weathered bond seems wrong.

Well yes, what a long post today. I guess this will have to keep you guys going for another two weeks or so, but I'll try to post more. I usually haunt my class blog, so if you want, hop over. Now I have to go back to studying for tomorrow's Chem test, which I'm sure I will flunk (I don't know why it matters, but it does, I'm sad like that), plus try to finish my A9 (which I have done only one question of), V2 (which I have to do if I don't want to disappoint Mr Koh... I dislike letting down teachers) and think of a PI (if I don't want to die). It makes me want to tear my hair out, but like I said, I don't know why it matters. Someone tell me.

These few days have been hell for me. Okay, maybe 'hell' isn't a very accurate description, but I didn't feel happy. I guess I brought a lot of the grief upon myself, you know? I keep on saying that the problem doesn't lie with me, but the fact that I'm saying that shows that it IS. And on retrospect, I think it does.

It's always about me, isn't it? Can't help being selfish and self-centered. Always thinking about myself. Never about others.

You see, the problem is that everyone else has friends except me, in a very weird way. I'm not talking about friends as in people who know you or care about you. I'm talking about people you HANG OUT WITH. And that's the point -- I don't have any. Do you know how painful it is to see your supposed friends having fun with other people, and you're sitting there, watching on, and they're oblivious to everything? I know this sounds ungrateful because I know that people out there DO care, whether they do so out of duty or not, I have no idea, but the fact is they still do.

But as I said, that's not the point. It's an everyday thing: the people you walk to class with, the people you sit in lecture with, the people you complain about having to do tutorials with. Really, it's the little things that matter the most. Ironically what I'm doing now is pushing people away -- yes, I realise that. I'm distancing myself from other people, from the people I want to be with. Maybe it's because I think I'm not worthy of them. I mean, if they don't want to hang out with me, there must be something wrong with me in the first place, right?

The most painful thing is being on the verge of tears almost every moment of the day. You don't know how often I think about just going to the toilet and hiding there and crying and crying. It's not as if I haven't done it before -- I have, and it wasn't fun. But still.

And you know what? I'm feeling damn happy during choir and after school nowadays, and that says a lot about how I feel DURING school.

Well, there's a lot on my mind now. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. I'll be making a concious effort to talk to people more. But it's so difficult, especially when you see them enshrined in their cocoon of bliss. Goddamn it, you don't know how angry it makes me to see them happy. That's such a selfish statement but it's TRUE. I'm jealous, and it's eating me up from the inside. Chewing me up and spitting me out. I want to be the one that's happy. I want to be happy.

... So make yourself happy.

... But how?

Haven't blogged for a while, I realise. It's first of April, by the way, so Happy April Fools' Day! I didn't get pranked, and neither did I prank anyone, so today passed without much incident, actually.

You know what? I'm feeling quite happy. It was choir today, oddly, something that doesn't happen often. What's more, we didn't sound particularly good or anything, and we were freezing our butts off in LT1. However, what we did today was to sit in a circle, turn the lights off, close our eyes and sing. Although this isn't the first time we did this, it felt different, somehow. I felt more in touch with the music, and could almost feel everyone's voices weave in and out of mine.

Going to school tomorrow morning for some Science Research Symposium thing. I do hope it's interesting. Will also be wearing my college uniform tomorrow... the first time I'm doing so. Will miss my St. Nick's pinafore very badly though. The HC skirt is... icky. Meh.

And you know what? I've come to realise that I can never be satisfied... the grass is always greener on the other side. Only recently have I come to realise that that phrase is just... so true. I should really sit down and properly count my blessings one day, and that's something I believe everyone should do, because it reminds us about the little things we tend to forget and take for granted. It reminds us that we aren't as much of a loser as we think we are after all, and that sometimes, we have much more than others that we should be thankful for. So when I start to go down the well-travelled path of self-deprecation in my head, I start thinking about all these things, and what I can do to make the situation better. I think a lot of my sadness comes from inside me, a lot of stray thoughts running amok in my head and wreaking havoc, and so to rectify my problem and make myself happier, I'll have to start with the most basic thing -- amending myself.

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