08 July, 2005
Second day of school so far. It hasn't been that bad, especially since blocks are over, in a sense that I haven't really felt like jumping over any tall buildings yet.
First day back felt strange as hell, and I was almost late because I only woke up at 6. Blah. The school was crawling with people for a change, and I was among them myself, squelching through the huge mass of human bodies, making my way across the central plaza to line up for assembly.
First two periods was PW, which sucked big time, but whatever. I had a sinking feeling throughout the whole of the lesson, I was surprised I didn't fall right into hell. And it reminded me of why I dislike him. But I guess I'm kind of used to it, letting whatever he says go through one ear and out the next. Besides, I don't really HATE him or anything, just think he's terribly annoying. And also because I see so much of myself in him. It's a torture; disliking him is like disliking myself.
Had Chem lecture after PW, which was a relief because lectures are mindless, in that you can be cloaked in anonymity, because you're just one more face in a sea of faces. It's perfectly all right not to talk to your neighbours during a lecture, because most of the time we're paying attention or sleeping, and that suits me perfectly. It relieves my burden of trying to strike up conversation, of trying to interact and thinking of how worthless a specimen of a Hwa Chong student I am. Tutorials on the other hand, are something I hate because it's so much more personal. I guess that's the point, really, but that's the problem too. Suddenly the room shrinks, and you're no longer just another person, but a member of a 20-odd class. Sitting in rows less than 3 metres away from the tutor, faces suddenly become recognisable. I don't really care for the tutor though, whether he or she notices me or not. But in a classroom I feel compelled to interact, something which I immensely dislike. And the reason why I dislike it is so stupid, like how the fox proclaimed the grapes to be sour. I'll leave it at that, I shan't say any more, because there's no point for self-pity. In fact I think self-pity simply shows a person's cowardice and self-centeredness. Besides, you won't understand what I'm saying anyway. I'm not much of a writer, my thoughts don't flow logically. But whatever.
Had Maths tutorial after that (hatehate), and got black our Maths C block test. i guess you're getting interested now, are you, curious to know what I got? People are like that. But I'm not going to tell, because I'm so deeply ashamed. Yes, so now you can go on guessing your brains out until they turn to mush and I don't care.
Spent my break not eating. I did it on purpose, actually, but in the end the scene I wanted to avoid materialised in front of my eyes anyway, so there wasn't any point. It felt good skipping lunch anyway, because it's such a rebellious act, you know? Hah. I'm kind of sad, don't you think, getting a kick out of rebelling against MYSELF? This is getting absurd.
CLAO tutorial was next, and was boring as ever. Hmm, one tutorial that I don't mind is CLAO, for some reason, I don't know why, because it's one of the smallest classes I have. I guess it's because Chinese is such a familiar subject to me, like how I felt during the CLAO block test. So at home and comfortable.
F Maths lecture after that was okay. We were doing integration, which is a bit much for the moment, because I'm not familiar with most of the rules yet. But it looks like one of those chapters that'd be okay after a bit of practice.
PE was okay too. Played badminton and now I'm aching from it. And it's not like I played particularly hard or anything. Haha. Lay Ning came! I was so glad. Call me sad or sentimental, but I guess I miss the things that I lose the most. It's true that you don't value things until they're gone. Although it's not right to say Lay Ning has GONE or anything. She's still there, just not there as often as I'd like her to be. It's funny. I've only known her for 6 months. I feel so wimpy. To get so attached to a person like that. It makes me feel almost weak, and sometimes I do feel a bit ashamed at myself, for being so bloody DEPENDENT. Like I need someone, or the memory of someone, to keep me going.
So yes, that was yesterday. A bit long. Today nothing much happened, except that I felt a mite worse, especially since I wasn't late and was at the class bench in the morning and saw things I didn't want to see. Actually I didn't, per se, but I knew it was happening. I just looked away and occupied myself with other things.
I think I'll never go for lunch with people again. It's such a bloody painful process. I'd much prefer eating on my own, or trying to 'rebel' by not eating again. Although I personally disapprove of skipping meals. But did I say before? I'm a hypocrite.
CLAO oral. Screwed it up badly. I've never spoken Chinese so badly. The examiners must think me illiterate or something. Whatever.
Oh yeah, another thing of note, wore my first tie today. XD It felt good to take it off though.
An observation: it's funny, how we're in the company of each other and yet so infinitely isolated at the same time.
First day back felt strange as hell, and I was almost late because I only woke up at 6. Blah. The school was crawling with people for a change, and I was among them myself, squelching through the huge mass of human bodies, making my way across the central plaza to line up for assembly.
First two periods was PW, which sucked big time, but whatever. I had a sinking feeling throughout the whole of the lesson, I was surprised I didn't fall right into hell. And it reminded me of why I dislike him. But I guess I'm kind of used to it, letting whatever he says go through one ear and out the next. Besides, I don't really HATE him or anything, just think he's terribly annoying. And also because I see so much of myself in him. It's a torture; disliking him is like disliking myself.
Had Chem lecture after PW, which was a relief because lectures are mindless, in that you can be cloaked in anonymity, because you're just one more face in a sea of faces. It's perfectly all right not to talk to your neighbours during a lecture, because most of the time we're paying attention or sleeping, and that suits me perfectly. It relieves my burden of trying to strike up conversation, of trying to interact and thinking of how worthless a specimen of a Hwa Chong student I am. Tutorials on the other hand, are something I hate because it's so much more personal. I guess that's the point, really, but that's the problem too. Suddenly the room shrinks, and you're no longer just another person, but a member of a 20-odd class. Sitting in rows less than 3 metres away from the tutor, faces suddenly become recognisable. I don't really care for the tutor though, whether he or she notices me or not. But in a classroom I feel compelled to interact, something which I immensely dislike. And the reason why I dislike it is so stupid, like how the fox proclaimed the grapes to be sour. I'll leave it at that, I shan't say any more, because there's no point for self-pity. In fact I think self-pity simply shows a person's cowardice and self-centeredness. Besides, you won't understand what I'm saying anyway. I'm not much of a writer, my thoughts don't flow logically. But whatever.
Had Maths tutorial after that (hatehate), and got black our Maths C block test. i guess you're getting interested now, are you, curious to know what I got? People are like that. But I'm not going to tell, because I'm so deeply ashamed. Yes, so now you can go on guessing your brains out until they turn to mush and I don't care.
Spent my break not eating. I did it on purpose, actually, but in the end the scene I wanted to avoid materialised in front of my eyes anyway, so there wasn't any point. It felt good skipping lunch anyway, because it's such a rebellious act, you know? Hah. I'm kind of sad, don't you think, getting a kick out of rebelling against MYSELF? This is getting absurd.
CLAO tutorial was next, and was boring as ever. Hmm, one tutorial that I don't mind is CLAO, for some reason, I don't know why, because it's one of the smallest classes I have. I guess it's because Chinese is such a familiar subject to me, like how I felt during the CLAO block test. So at home and comfortable.
F Maths lecture after that was okay. We were doing integration, which is a bit much for the moment, because I'm not familiar with most of the rules yet. But it looks like one of those chapters that'd be okay after a bit of practice.
PE was okay too. Played badminton and now I'm aching from it. And it's not like I played particularly hard or anything. Haha. Lay Ning came! I was so glad. Call me sad or sentimental, but I guess I miss the things that I lose the most. It's true that you don't value things until they're gone. Although it's not right to say Lay Ning has GONE or anything. She's still there, just not there as often as I'd like her to be. It's funny. I've only known her for 6 months. I feel so wimpy. To get so attached to a person like that. It makes me feel almost weak, and sometimes I do feel a bit ashamed at myself, for being so bloody DEPENDENT. Like I need someone, or the memory of someone, to keep me going.
So yes, that was yesterday. A bit long. Today nothing much happened, except that I felt a mite worse, especially since I wasn't late and was at the class bench in the morning and saw things I didn't want to see. Actually I didn't, per se, but I knew it was happening. I just looked away and occupied myself with other things.
I think I'll never go for lunch with people again. It's such a bloody painful process. I'd much prefer eating on my own, or trying to 'rebel' by not eating again. Although I personally disapprove of skipping meals. But did I say before? I'm a hypocrite.
CLAO oral. Screwed it up badly. I've never spoken Chinese so badly. The examiners must think me illiterate or something. Whatever.
Oh yeah, another thing of note, wore my first tie today. XD It felt good to take it off though.
An observation: it's funny, how we're in the company of each other and yet so infinitely isolated at the same time.
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