07 June, 2005
I'm back from the Malaysian trip, and I've got so much to say. To sum it up in one sentence, I feel that I am such a horrible (evil, pathetic and ugly) person. Especially when I'm around people like Lin Xin and Adora, who have such magnetic personalities, everyone just wants a piece of them. And not to mention the rest of the J1 girls, who are on a frequency I fail to tune into.
A lot of people mistaken me for Wen Qiang, a girl who I think is a little weird, but nice. Even though she's nice, it still hurts that people think I'm her, or she, me. It just goes to show that in their eyes I have no identity, just this image, an idea of some personality, floating about the edge of their vision. When I'm there they interact with me as they would any other person who doesn't mean much to them, and when I'm not they just dismiss the idea of me because in their hearts, there just isn't space to care for someone so insignificant.
This is like the time I grew a few extra layers of skin so that I could join Nicole and Adora for shopping. I wasn't having fun with Karen, Gong Yue and Wen Qiang, to tell the truth, the latter two being not much shoppers like me, and Karen getting on my nerves with her chattering and squealing and very fast conversations I can't catch. Said nerves are very frayed now and need lots of mending. But I digress. While with Nicole and Adora, anything I said and did didn't seem to affect anything, in a sense that I could just envision them doing the same things just as fine, or maybe even better, without me. I was just a tag-along, and I hate that feeling.
I think I know why I'm feeling the way I am, because I love attention. It seems as if a lot of the problems I face can be traced back to a few fatal flaws in my personality, ones that I'm trying desperately to change. I guess knowing what's wrong is the first baby step. But in the meantime it's wreaking havoc on my emotional health, and I came close to spinning out of control a few times.
Like when we went to the hotel in Penang, and Karen was so afraid of the hotel and kept on thinking that someone was watching her, because it WAS such a dodgy hotel with funny characters and retarded lifts and a claustrophobic stairwell with uneven steps. And she daren't sleep and daren't bathe and the seniors on our level who knew of this even fetched Mrs Goh down to reassure her. And throughout the whole trip she was whining for her mother and her own home. Several times I just wanted to shout at her, to tell her to grow up and that not all the time can we live in places that are safe and comfortable, but maybe I couldn't find the heart to, or maybe I just didn't want to pick a fight, or maybe I didn't want to tarnish whatever lousy reputation I had.
What made me really angry with her was what happened during the last day of the trip. I'm going to elaborate from the start of the matter, so this would be a little long.
Because we had our last concert the day before, we were not given any curfew for the last night of the trip. The J1s converged in Edmund and Benji's room to chat and have fun (where I was a mere presence, even though I was trying my hardest to participate actively), and some of the J1 girls went to sleep on their bed, and that included dear Karen, who is my room mate. As I have mentioned earlier, the hotel wasn't exactly one of the best, and we were explicitly told to go around in groups. Now what predicament did this put me in? With Karen asleep in the room, I couldn't possibly go back to ours. Besides, I didn't want to be a spoilsport and retire so early, so I stayed on and chatted and took photographs and supposedly had fun. Actually, I had to admit that I did, because I was able to make my presence more known that usual. You don't know how good it feels to have people laugh at your jokes, or what you say. It's like having someone respond to you for once, instead of getting ignored, like I am most of the time. After a while Nicole, Adora, Shawna and I felt rather bored at about 4am because a group was playing cards while another was singing hymns on the keyboard, both activities which we didn't particularly feel partial to, so we went to Nicole and Adora's room. Shawna was in about the same predicament as I was, because her key was with Melissa, who was asleep in the bed in Edmund and Benji's room. So we slept for about an hour or so, and woke up at 7am. I went back to my room to pack and wash up, and halfway Karen came in and said some things which I can't really remember, something vaguely about going downstairs with my luggage, and then left. I was washing my face at that time and had soap in my eyes and water everywhere, so I couldn't do much. When I went out, I realised that HER luggage was gone (it occured to me that that must be what she was going on about), and that I was alone to go down to the lobby myself. As I mentioned earlier, we were expected to go around in groups, and now Karen just stranded me in the fucking hotel room with my luggage. I was hopping mad, but duty kind of suppressed it because I knew I had to get down really soon. So throwing all caution to the wind, I went downstairs myself. Admittedly I WAS a little afraid, but luckily I didn't meet any odd personality on my way down.
Perhaps it doesn't sound like a big deal to you guys reading this, but it felt like a big deal to me, because it simply reinforced the idea that in the eyes of other people, I am worth NOTHING. Isn't it? Even Karen couldn't even think of waiting for me to go downstairs. I remember requesting her to do so, but she was pattering on and I was in such an uncomfortable position, bent over the sink with soap in my eyes, I just asked her to drop it since she wasn't acknowledging my words anyway.
I feel so much like lashing out at someone, even crying, but for some reason I can't. And it makes me feel even worse because all this rage and dissatisfaction is bottled up inside, and I'm certain that can't be healthy. Perhaps I just need someone to unload it all on, but as I said so many times I think it's become a mantra of mine, or some kind of twisted motto, There Is No One.
P/S: I'll write about the fun bits and the actual things we did in another post. These feelings have just been dominating me for the past few days and I simply had to get it off my chest. Not that I'm feeling better or anything, but it's better than nothing.
A lot of people mistaken me for Wen Qiang, a girl who I think is a little weird, but nice. Even though she's nice, it still hurts that people think I'm her, or she, me. It just goes to show that in their eyes I have no identity, just this image, an idea of some personality, floating about the edge of their vision. When I'm there they interact with me as they would any other person who doesn't mean much to them, and when I'm not they just dismiss the idea of me because in their hearts, there just isn't space to care for someone so insignificant.
This is like the time I grew a few extra layers of skin so that I could join Nicole and Adora for shopping. I wasn't having fun with Karen, Gong Yue and Wen Qiang, to tell the truth, the latter two being not much shoppers like me, and Karen getting on my nerves with her chattering and squealing and very fast conversations I can't catch. Said nerves are very frayed now and need lots of mending. But I digress. While with Nicole and Adora, anything I said and did didn't seem to affect anything, in a sense that I could just envision them doing the same things just as fine, or maybe even better, without me. I was just a tag-along, and I hate that feeling.
I think I know why I'm feeling the way I am, because I love attention. It seems as if a lot of the problems I face can be traced back to a few fatal flaws in my personality, ones that I'm trying desperately to change. I guess knowing what's wrong is the first baby step. But in the meantime it's wreaking havoc on my emotional health, and I came close to spinning out of control a few times.
Like when we went to the hotel in Penang, and Karen was so afraid of the hotel and kept on thinking that someone was watching her, because it WAS such a dodgy hotel with funny characters and retarded lifts and a claustrophobic stairwell with uneven steps. And she daren't sleep and daren't bathe and the seniors on our level who knew of this even fetched Mrs Goh down to reassure her. And throughout the whole trip she was whining for her mother and her own home. Several times I just wanted to shout at her, to tell her to grow up and that not all the time can we live in places that are safe and comfortable, but maybe I couldn't find the heart to, or maybe I just didn't want to pick a fight, or maybe I didn't want to tarnish whatever lousy reputation I had.
What made me really angry with her was what happened during the last day of the trip. I'm going to elaborate from the start of the matter, so this would be a little long.
Because we had our last concert the day before, we were not given any curfew for the last night of the trip. The J1s converged in Edmund and Benji's room to chat and have fun (where I was a mere presence, even though I was trying my hardest to participate actively), and some of the J1 girls went to sleep on their bed, and that included dear Karen, who is my room mate. As I have mentioned earlier, the hotel wasn't exactly one of the best, and we were explicitly told to go around in groups. Now what predicament did this put me in? With Karen asleep in the room, I couldn't possibly go back to ours. Besides, I didn't want to be a spoilsport and retire so early, so I stayed on and chatted and took photographs and supposedly had fun. Actually, I had to admit that I did, because I was able to make my presence more known that usual. You don't know how good it feels to have people laugh at your jokes, or what you say. It's like having someone respond to you for once, instead of getting ignored, like I am most of the time. After a while Nicole, Adora, Shawna and I felt rather bored at about 4am because a group was playing cards while another was singing hymns on the keyboard, both activities which we didn't particularly feel partial to, so we went to Nicole and Adora's room. Shawna was in about the same predicament as I was, because her key was with Melissa, who was asleep in the bed in Edmund and Benji's room. So we slept for about an hour or so, and woke up at 7am. I went back to my room to pack and wash up, and halfway Karen came in and said some things which I can't really remember, something vaguely about going downstairs with my luggage, and then left. I was washing my face at that time and had soap in my eyes and water everywhere, so I couldn't do much. When I went out, I realised that HER luggage was gone (it occured to me that that must be what she was going on about), and that I was alone to go down to the lobby myself. As I mentioned earlier, we were expected to go around in groups, and now Karen just stranded me in the fucking hotel room with my luggage. I was hopping mad, but duty kind of suppressed it because I knew I had to get down really soon. So throwing all caution to the wind, I went downstairs myself. Admittedly I WAS a little afraid, but luckily I didn't meet any odd personality on my way down.
Perhaps it doesn't sound like a big deal to you guys reading this, but it felt like a big deal to me, because it simply reinforced the idea that in the eyes of other people, I am worth NOTHING. Isn't it? Even Karen couldn't even think of waiting for me to go downstairs. I remember requesting her to do so, but she was pattering on and I was in such an uncomfortable position, bent over the sink with soap in my eyes, I just asked her to drop it since she wasn't acknowledging my words anyway.
I feel so much like lashing out at someone, even crying, but for some reason I can't. And it makes me feel even worse because all this rage and dissatisfaction is bottled up inside, and I'm certain that can't be healthy. Perhaps I just need someone to unload it all on, but as I said so many times I think it's become a mantra of mine, or some kind of twisted motto, There Is No One.
P/S: I'll write about the fun bits and the actual things we did in another post. These feelings have just been dominating me for the past few days and I simply had to get it off my chest. Not that I'm feeling better or anything, but it's better than nothing.
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