18 May, 2005
Was just on the phone bitching about PW to Rachel. I must say it made me feel better, but it sadly didn't help the situation any. I'm just so fed up with PW and GPP: fuck it all. And to think this is just the beginning, just the start, and that there's half a year more, of MY blood, MY toil, MY work.
That's the problem. I'm doing all the fucking work in the group. All the substantial work, anyway. Like typing up the GPPs, which takes a hell lot of time because it's not just mere words on paper, not just constructed tables of dates and times... though I wish it were.
Of course I must admit I couldn't do it ALL by myself. Many of the ideas are not mine. In fact they came about because the group discussed about it. But why does the work of putting it all together fall on ME alone? Why am I always alone?
And this brings me to another point, which is how group discussions are always led by ME. On Monday when we were in the computer lab, I spent half the fucking time trying to get them to fucking respond. Okay, it might because I'm the fucking "leader" of the group, but I became the "leader" only because I made the discussion WORK the first time we met up as a group. Seriously, do you think anything would have been done if I was not there, or doing anything? I'm sorry if this sounds like a huge ego trip, because I wish it were, but it's not. I'd rather not be the one doing all the work, initiating all the discussions. I'd rather be some ordinary member who contributes constructively. Then why do I even initiate the discussions anyway, why do I even try? Because damnit, it's an examinable subject, and I don't want to fail it or do badly in it. The only downside is that THEY get the fucking credit too, for blood and tears they didn't shed.
I'm not saying I won't give credit to the work they did. Of course I would, and gladly too, but the problem is that there ISN'T MUCH WORK THEY DID AT ALL. In fact it seems as if they don't fucking care. Maybe the want to help, but if they did, they would have approached me about it, ask about it, offer HELP. Oh, wait, they did offer help. But what is it that Guest-Of-Honour said at today's Investiture? It's not asking people if they need help that makes you a good leader, it's actually getting down on your knees and getting your hands dirty that counts. I know the context is a bit off, but the point is the same. Just asking and offering help doesn't make a difference, it's ACTUALLY HELPING that counts.
I don't know what to do. My parents have been harping on me to get enough sleep. They've been forcing me to go to bed before 12. So today I defiantly said to my mother, "I'm going to sleep TOMORROW," when she asked me when I was going to bed.
Fuck it, I don't think I can finish it. It isn't difficult, is it? It's just mere words on paper, just constructed tables of dates and times...
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