28 February, 2005
Hmm, there are so many things to be stored away in this little folder of mine labelled 'astonishing facts', things that I've found out about certain events or people that shock me or surprise me. I guess tomorrow will contain just one more event to file neatly away, to be possibly buried under mental dust bunnies of lost memory.
I'm feeling quite lost now, perhaps only because I'm starting to realise my place in the world, and just how damn big it is. And possibly how very small and ignorant I am too. I'm certain I'm not the only one feeling this way, but it sure feels like it, especially when I can't discuss my fear realistically with my friends. Maybe it's because I'm not articulate with words -- I think this constitutes 90% of the problem, really -- because I tend to go off on tangents that make me seem whiny and insecure (both of which I admittedly am but try not to be), or maybe it's because everyone's feeling so tensed up about the subject and so full of apprehension themselves that they've got no more space to share the burden with me. Of course I shouldn't be selfish to expect others to sacrifice a part of themselves for me, but what harm does it do to hope? Frankly, I can't say I'm prepared to do the same for a friend. It's not that I'm unwilling, but because I don't think I'm able to offer anything to them in return. I don't think I'm prepared to help them lift their burdens, because I don't know how. I've never been the type who knows what to say during a crisis; usually what come out of my mouth is something wrong. I've once said that I never regret anything that I've done so far with my life, and that's largely true, but sometimes I do regret little things that I've said or little things that I've done, like taking a step ahead a little too early, or attempting to wave at an acquaintance who doesn't acknowledge my presence... that kind of thing.
Okay, I think this is enough rambling. Tomorrow's the day, 2pm. I know my limits, I know my abilities. I'm going there with an open mind, and I know I'll be able to take a blow, whether one will be dealt or not. Wish me luck, if you're reading this. I think I'll need it. And here's my good luck to all my friends of 4D04, as well as 05S34... may you guys finally reap the fruits of your labour. =)
I'm feeling quite lost now, perhaps only because I'm starting to realise my place in the world, and just how damn big it is. And possibly how very small and ignorant I am too. I'm certain I'm not the only one feeling this way, but it sure feels like it, especially when I can't discuss my fear realistically with my friends. Maybe it's because I'm not articulate with words -- I think this constitutes 90% of the problem, really -- because I tend to go off on tangents that make me seem whiny and insecure (both of which I admittedly am but try not to be), or maybe it's because everyone's feeling so tensed up about the subject and so full of apprehension themselves that they've got no more space to share the burden with me. Of course I shouldn't be selfish to expect others to sacrifice a part of themselves for me, but what harm does it do to hope? Frankly, I can't say I'm prepared to do the same for a friend. It's not that I'm unwilling, but because I don't think I'm able to offer anything to them in return. I don't think I'm prepared to help them lift their burdens, because I don't know how. I've never been the type who knows what to say during a crisis; usually what come out of my mouth is something wrong. I've once said that I never regret anything that I've done so far with my life, and that's largely true, but sometimes I do regret little things that I've said or little things that I've done, like taking a step ahead a little too early, or attempting to wave at an acquaintance who doesn't acknowledge my presence... that kind of thing.
Okay, I think this is enough rambling. Tomorrow's the day, 2pm. I know my limits, I know my abilities. I'm going there with an open mind, and I know I'll be able to take a blow, whether one will be dealt or not. Wish me luck, if you're reading this. I think I'll need it. And here's my good luck to all my friends of 4D04, as well as 05S34... may you guys finally reap the fruits of your labour. =)
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