30 November, 2004
There’s so much to say, and I don’t think anyone will read anything I write or anything, but that’s okay. I don’t know if I’m up to typing everything I want to say, either.
I don’t want to talk about Graduation, but I’ll say a few things. It was grand. Very grand. We had it in the Raffles Ballroom, and it was really big and really cold. I found the food all right, although some people didn’t like it.
Graduation was also a painful experience, both emotionally and physically. My heels were killing me, and even now, when I rest my weight on the front half of my feet, they hurt. A lot of the Graduation was bad. I don’t know. That statement’s a bit vague, isn’t it? I just know I wasn’t happy.
The highlight, for me, was hearing Mr Wong sing. I was surprised, as were most of the people present, and I personally like the song that he and Cheryl sang together. I have most of it recorded on my phone, which I will transfer onto the computer for safekeeping. Haha.
Yeah. That’s all I’m going to say about Graduation. The rest of this post will be about me.
These few days have allowed me to stew and stew and think too much. I am a disgusting person, one that belongs in the recesses of the human mind. I think I should be blind, because my eyes are not worthy enough to view this beautiful world. But someone up there made a mistake and gave me sight, and now I see everything in shades of the darkest grey.
To me, everything becomes twisted, unrecognisable from their original form. Words become structured plots of hate. Kindness become ulterior motives. The sun was put up in the sky to burn us all.
And that is why I am so hateful. Everyone is so accomodating. I have just been a burden, a thorn in their flesh, one they are too polite to conveniently remove.
I seem to think that the whole world revolves around me. Everything that is done should please me, and if it does not, anger begins to consume me, slowly at first, then increasing exponentially, until all that is left is this being that pulses with so much hatred.
I am so consumed by hatred. And selfishness.
I know I need to change. And I’m going to. I’m going to start by keeping my mouth shut. There is no sense in going round and telling people the things I have on my mind. I do not wish to contaminate their pure souls with my foul thoughts. See? I’m already doing the world something good. I will also be prevented from hurting people, or at least, deepening their wounds, because the damage I have inflicted on them is irreversible.
I am so sorry. I have let down everyone. I am repentant, but no one will help me. I’ve just got to help myself. I can’t express my remorse. I am sorry for my existence, I am sorry for trying to be a friend (and failing), I am sorry for being me.
I don’t want to talk about Graduation, but I’ll say a few things. It was grand. Very grand. We had it in the Raffles Ballroom, and it was really big and really cold. I found the food all right, although some people didn’t like it.
Graduation was also a painful experience, both emotionally and physically. My heels were killing me, and even now, when I rest my weight on the front half of my feet, they hurt. A lot of the Graduation was bad. I don’t know. That statement’s a bit vague, isn’t it? I just know I wasn’t happy.
The highlight, for me, was hearing Mr Wong sing. I was surprised, as were most of the people present, and I personally like the song that he and Cheryl sang together. I have most of it recorded on my phone, which I will transfer onto the computer for safekeeping. Haha.
Yeah. That’s all I’m going to say about Graduation. The rest of this post will be about me.
These few days have allowed me to stew and stew and think too much. I am a disgusting person, one that belongs in the recesses of the human mind. I think I should be blind, because my eyes are not worthy enough to view this beautiful world. But someone up there made a mistake and gave me sight, and now I see everything in shades of the darkest grey.
To me, everything becomes twisted, unrecognisable from their original form. Words become structured plots of hate. Kindness become ulterior motives. The sun was put up in the sky to burn us all.
And that is why I am so hateful. Everyone is so accomodating. I have just been a burden, a thorn in their flesh, one they are too polite to conveniently remove.
I seem to think that the whole world revolves around me. Everything that is done should please me, and if it does not, anger begins to consume me, slowly at first, then increasing exponentially, until all that is left is this being that pulses with so much hatred.
I am so consumed by hatred. And selfishness.
I know I need to change. And I’m going to. I’m going to start by keeping my mouth shut. There is no sense in going round and telling people the things I have on my mind. I do not wish to contaminate their pure souls with my foul thoughts. See? I’m already doing the world something good. I will also be prevented from hurting people, or at least, deepening their wounds, because the damage I have inflicted on them is irreversible.
I am so sorry. I have let down everyone. I am repentant, but no one will help me. I’ve just got to help myself. I can’t express my remorse. I am sorry for my existence, I am sorry for trying to be a friend (and failing), I am sorry for being me.
15:00 / 0 comment(s) 
28 November, 2004
Lately, The Harry Potter Lexicon has been my best friend. That’s what happens the last time I read the books was last year. Ack. Oh well, my short-term goal is to finish at least 3 chapters by the end of holidays, with each chapter at about 3000+ words. Yeah. Doing some novel-length writing. I’m coming up with chapter outlines for the moment, and I’ve done about half of the first chapter. Wee. I feel productive.
Going to sleuth at Jurong Point for hairdressers. Then meeting 5TORM at the Meritus Mandarin (I think I got the name wrong, but it’s the hotel opposite The Heeren) at about 2pm. Yup.
Herein starts the Graduation torture. Pray for me!
Going to sleuth at Jurong Point for hairdressers. Then meeting 5TORM at the Meritus Mandarin (I think I got the name wrong, but it’s the hotel opposite The Heeren) at about 2pm. Yup.
Herein starts the Graduation torture. Pray for me!
11:01 / 0 comment(s)
26 November, 2004
OHMYGODLIKETOTALLY.
Went out with parents today, to OG at Orchard Point. Bought so so so many things. Hehe. Like $30 worth of junk food. Yes. And bought my clutch bag for Grad. As much as I dislike (HATE! HATE!) Grad, I don’t want to turn up like a total idiot at it, sorry folks. Yeah. It was about $24 bucks. Quite cheap, eh? And I kind of like it too. Oh my.
AND I BOUGHT A NEW BACKPACK FOR SCHOOL. Hee. I love it. It’s black and sort-of-neon green. Yup. To replace my (still much loved) blue and yellow Adidas one that is falling apart. Mehh. I guess I should learn how to look after my things better.
Also, my mother found out that they had to spend $150 in combined receipts to get the OG VIP card thing. So I bought 3 OP shirts for the heck of it. Yeah. Shopping spreeeeee!
AND THAT IS NOT ALL.
I am now the proud owner of 2001: A Space Odyssey DVD. HAH! Take that! Okay. It’s fantastically boring. There is very little dialogue in the show... about 30 min total out of about 2.5 hours. There is lots of camerawork and classical scores. I can’t say I enjoyed it immensely, but I can say I appreciate it, particularly because I’ve read the book, but that’s not the point. If you had the patience to sit down and watch it, there’s a billion things to analyse and interpret. So yes, even though it’s boring, being the loyal SF fan I am, I’m going to sit through it anyhow. I do want to see what it’s all about. However now I’m only about 40 min into the movie because it got annoying: see, I can’t play it on my DVD player because it’s Code 1, so I’m playing it on an external DVD-writer hooked up to my ancient computer. And the stupid show keeps on jerking and hanging because my computer can’t take the speed. Tsk. I’ll watch it when my dad properly configures our home DVD player. Hah.
Oh, that was rambly. But I’m sorry because I’ve got one more thing to say. Saw Gattaca at the CD shop also (we were at Specialist Centre, or however you spell it... opposite Centrepoint), and I WANTED TO BUY IT SO BAD. But it was unreasonably expensive, $40+, because it was already on TV twice. Oh well. I WANT TO BUY IT AND WATCH IT ONE MILLION TIMES.
And did I mention that I need to go to school tomorrow? What a pain.
Went out with parents today, to OG at Orchard Point. Bought so so so many things. Hehe. Like $30 worth of junk food. Yes. And bought my clutch bag for Grad. As much as I dislike (HATE! HATE!) Grad, I don’t want to turn up like a total idiot at it, sorry folks. Yeah. It was about $24 bucks. Quite cheap, eh? And I kind of like it too. Oh my.
AND I BOUGHT A NEW BACKPACK FOR SCHOOL. Hee. I love it. It’s black and sort-of-neon green. Yup. To replace my (still much loved) blue and yellow Adidas one that is falling apart. Mehh. I guess I should learn how to look after my things better.
Also, my mother found out that they had to spend $150 in combined receipts to get the OG VIP card thing. So I bought 3 OP shirts for the heck of it. Yeah. Shopping spreeeeee!
AND THAT IS NOT ALL.
I am now the proud owner of 2001: A Space Odyssey DVD. HAH! Take that! Okay. It’s fantastically boring. There is very little dialogue in the show... about 30 min total out of about 2.5 hours. There is lots of camerawork and classical scores. I can’t say I enjoyed it immensely, but I can say I appreciate it, particularly because I’ve read the book, but that’s not the point. If you had the patience to sit down and watch it, there’s a billion things to analyse and interpret. So yes, even though it’s boring, being the loyal SF fan I am, I’m going to sit through it anyhow. I do want to see what it’s all about. However now I’m only about 40 min into the movie because it got annoying: see, I can’t play it on my DVD player because it’s Code 1, so I’m playing it on an external DVD-writer hooked up to my ancient computer. And the stupid show keeps on jerking and hanging because my computer can’t take the speed. Tsk. I’ll watch it when my dad properly configures our home DVD player. Hah.
Oh, that was rambly. But I’m sorry because I’ve got one more thing to say. Saw Gattaca at the CD shop also (we were at Specialist Centre, or however you spell it... opposite Centrepoint), and I WANTED TO BUY IT SO BAD. But it was unreasonably expensive, $40+, because it was already on TV twice. Oh well. I WANT TO BUY IT AND WATCH IT ONE MILLION TIMES.
And did I mention that I need to go to school tomorrow? What a pain.
23:36 / 0 comment(s)
The weather was fantastic today. Went to school to work on the choir’s grad item, and the wind was blowing through the family lounge. It was terribly cold, but it was super. It isn’t everyday you enjoy a cool breeze in Singapore, although I wouldn’t say the wind was a ‘breeze’ exactly. 'Twas much stronger.
Anyway, did some actions for our song and practiced a bit. Saw Weiqi, and she saw me. I have no idea why she went to school though, shall find out later. Heh.
I have nothing else to say. Chiefly blogged because I wanted to compliment the weather today. That is kind of sad, but I love the monsoon season because it’s SO AWESOME AND NOT BAKING HOT.
Oh yeah. Have to go to school AGAIN tomorrow to practice my class' item. URGH. Not that I hate it or anything, but it’s a pain to go to school so often during the HOLIDAYS! And it really is the holidays this time because there’s no studying invovled. Hehe.
Guess what, I’m writing fanfiction again. I never finish them, but I like the plot I came up with for this one. Had sudden inspiration while reading The Algebraist, though it has NOTHING to do with that book at all. LOL. Instead it has more to do with The Neverending Story, but we shall all keep quiet about Qian’s *coughPLAGIARISINGcough*.
Anyway, did some actions for our song and practiced a bit. Saw Weiqi, and she saw me. I have no idea why she went to school though, shall find out later. Heh.
I have nothing else to say. Chiefly blogged because I wanted to compliment the weather today. That is kind of sad, but I love the monsoon season because it’s SO AWESOME AND NOT BAKING HOT.
Oh yeah. Have to go to school AGAIN tomorrow to practice my class' item. URGH. Not that I hate it or anything, but it’s a pain to go to school so often during the HOLIDAYS! And it really is the holidays this time because there’s no studying invovled. Hehe.
Guess what, I’m writing fanfiction again. I never finish them, but I like the plot I came up with for this one. Had sudden inspiration while reading The Algebraist, though it has NOTHING to do with that book at all. LOL. Instead it has more to do with The Neverending Story, but we shall all keep quiet about Qian’s *coughPLAGIARISINGcough*.
15:38 / 0 comment(s)
25 November, 2004
Went to collect that dress/gown/THING that I’ll be wearing next week. That meant going to Far East Plaza. Horrible. I hate that place. I hate a lot of things, you know.
And my parents. My dad. He always walks ahead. He never looks back. Today we were walking past the BreadTalk outside Tangs. My mother stopped, and he continued walked. I couldn’t catch up with him, he was walking so fast. So I had to call out. In a street full of people. Oh my god. I could have died of humiliation. I was also very very angry.
Another time I got really angry in public, was at Jurong Point. We were doing grocery shopping. I was pushing the infernal shopping trolley which was quite heavy. There were also many people. The whole mall was awash with human bodies. Sadly they were alive. But I digress. Anyway I accidentally bumped into a man who was walking with his young son and wife. The picture of a happy family. His reaction was rather big, and he actually stopped walking and bent down. I swear, it was only a slight bump. And I did say sorry as sincerely as I could. And as I left, I heard his wife sort of “cursing” me when I left. I was so angry. I know there’s no point in being angry, and I WAS THE ONE AT FAULT (I always am). I apologised, okay? I’m sorry if he has a leg problem or something, and my bump spelled the end of his life. I guess I was angry at myself. And I was getting angrier (guiltier) as I thought about it. In front of the family, I shoved the cart away from me and said to my mother, “See? Why don’t you just push the cart!” in a really rude tone.
See, I’m disrespectful. I’m also the harbinger of death and destruction (for the happy family).
You know I get angry at a lot of things. I also get angry very easily. I think I’m lucky I wasn’t born a boy. I’d be the type who would beat up a person in anger. I’d be the type who would try to cause as much damage to anything and everything in my vicinity (wait, aren’t I already doing that?). Thank God I’m not a boy. It wouldn’t be good for the people around me.
I think I need to watch Anger Management (haha).
And my parents. My dad. He always walks ahead. He never looks back. Today we were walking past the BreadTalk outside Tangs. My mother stopped, and he continued walked. I couldn’t catch up with him, he was walking so fast. So I had to call out. In a street full of people. Oh my god. I could have died of humiliation. I was also very very angry.
Another time I got really angry in public, was at Jurong Point. We were doing grocery shopping. I was pushing the infernal shopping trolley which was quite heavy. There were also many people. The whole mall was awash with human bodies. Sadly they were alive. But I digress. Anyway I accidentally bumped into a man who was walking with his young son and wife. The picture of a happy family. His reaction was rather big, and he actually stopped walking and bent down. I swear, it was only a slight bump. And I did say sorry as sincerely as I could. And as I left, I heard his wife sort of “cursing” me when I left. I was so angry. I know there’s no point in being angry, and I WAS THE ONE AT FAULT (I always am). I apologised, okay? I’m sorry if he has a leg problem or something, and my bump spelled the end of his life. I guess I was angry at myself. And I was getting angrier (guiltier) as I thought about it. In front of the family, I shoved the cart away from me and said to my mother, “See? Why don’t you just push the cart!” in a really rude tone.
See, I’m disrespectful. I’m also the harbinger of death and destruction (for the happy family).
You know I get angry at a lot of things. I also get angry very easily. I think I’m lucky I wasn’t born a boy. I’d be the type who would beat up a person in anger. I’d be the type who would try to cause as much damage to anything and everything in my vicinity (wait, aren’t I already doing that?). Thank God I’m not a boy. It wouldn’t be good for the people around me.
I think I need to watch Anger Management (haha).
21:45 / 0 comment(s)
24 November, 2004
Went to school today. Didn’t want to. Ugh. The PAE briefing was so short. I don’t think I can get into HC Science stream. I’m starting to not care anymore. The stupid Graduation rehearsal was boring. Blah.
Actually, nothing happened today.
I can’t wait for Graduation... to be OVER. It’s needlessly ostentatious! I don’t understand. Yeah, many people will say that this is a once-in-a-lifetime event. May I remind you that there’s still JC Graduation about 2 years later, then there’s probably tons of dances in your University, and not to mention during your working life. So this is our first time dressing up and pretending to be older than we are. I’m going to have so much fun. *cough*
I shall stop complaining, because I know just how SICK everyone is of my incessant whining. These holidays have let me start THINKING about things. I feel like I’m 13 again, this insecure girl skulking at the back of the classroom, banging her head on the wall. Equally insignificant were her woes. And nobody cared.
Ahh, this self-pitying and wallowing. Very indulgent of me. But it feels good to do this on occasion. It’s selfish, but I am. I had been told by an ex-form teacher of mine that I’m terribly self-centred. I always come first. There is nothing but ‘me’ in my world. I can’t deny it, because it’s true. I’m an only child. My parents' lives revolve around ME. My whole life centres around satisfying MY needs.
Hate me now. Join the legions of others who do, today! Membership discounts for a limited time only. Get your free gift while stocks last!
Actually, nothing happened today.
I can’t wait for Graduation... to be OVER. It’s needlessly ostentatious! I don’t understand. Yeah, many people will say that this is a once-in-a-lifetime event. May I remind you that there’s still JC Graduation about 2 years later, then there’s probably tons of dances in your University, and not to mention during your working life. So this is our first time dressing up and pretending to be older than we are. I’m going to have so much fun. *cough*
I shall stop complaining, because I know just how SICK everyone is of my incessant whining. These holidays have let me start THINKING about things. I feel like I’m 13 again, this insecure girl skulking at the back of the classroom, banging her head on the wall. Equally insignificant were her woes. And nobody cared.
Ahh, this self-pitying and wallowing. Very indulgent of me. But it feels good to do this on occasion. It’s selfish, but I am. I had been told by an ex-form teacher of mine that I’m terribly self-centred. I always come first. There is nothing but ‘me’ in my world. I can’t deny it, because it’s true. I’m an only child. My parents' lives revolve around ME. My whole life centres around satisfying MY needs.
Hate me now. Join the legions of others who do, today! Membership discounts for a limited time only. Get your free gift while stocks last!
22:01 / 0 comment(s)