05 February, 2004
Exhaustion @22:06
Was exhausted the whole of today. >< Went around like a zombie. Friends commented I looked "dead". Ahh, oh well. Need my sleep. So what am I doing online, man? Darnit. I don't know self control. *sigh*
I really didn't pay attention during maths today. I kind of forgot what we did. I had this huuuuge headache after recess. It was worse on the MRT ride home. Lucky me found a seat at Admiralty. The moment I got my butt on the disgustingly warm seat, I feel asleep, dull ache still echoing somewhere. Throb throb - throb throb - throb throb --
I actually contemplated if slicing off the left of my head will end the pain. But I decided it would be worse because there would be blood. But then again, with half my head gone, I would either bleed to death, or cease to live because there is no more brain activity. O.o
I have an overactive imagination. Ehh.
A Maths test tomorrow! Permutations and Combinations + Binomial Theorem! I'm a fan of binomial theorem, but not. P&C. Yuck.
Oh well. I'll have to somehow. Survive. Meep. Chinese and geog test on Friday! Save meeeee... T_T
What a pointless post today. Oh yeah. I'm having problems with the left muscles of my face. I can no longer whistle. The "swollen" eye I talked about in the previous post? It still feels quite bad, though my friends say it doesn't look bad. And when I smile, the left of my lip tends to go up a bit higher. Oh god. Am I haivng muscle dystrpophy (??) or something? Ahhh.
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I really didn't pay attention during maths today. I kind of forgot what we did. I had this huuuuge headache after recess. It was worse on the MRT ride home. Lucky me found a seat at Admiralty. The moment I got my butt on the disgustingly warm seat, I feel asleep, dull ache still echoing somewhere. Throb throb - throb throb - throb throb --
I actually contemplated if slicing off the left of my head will end the pain. But I decided it would be worse because there would be blood. But then again, with half my head gone, I would either bleed to death, or cease to live because there is no more brain activity. O.o
I have an overactive imagination. Ehh.
A Maths test tomorrow! Permutations and Combinations + Binomial Theorem! I'm a fan of binomial theorem, but not. P&C. Yuck.
Oh well. I'll have to somehow. Survive. Meep. Chinese and geog test on Friday! Save meeeee... T_T
What a pointless post today. Oh yeah. I'm having problems with the left muscles of my face. I can no longer whistle. The "swollen" eye I talked about in the previous post? It still feels quite bad, though my friends say it doesn't look bad. And when I smile, the left of my lip tends to go up a bit higher. Oh god. Am I haivng muscle dystrpophy (??) or something? Ahhh.
03 February, 2004
Running Away @21:49
Came back from J.Point a few hours ago. We ate at Delifrance and I acted like a little kid. Well, that was what it felt like, because my table etiquette was all over the place. I'm a stickler for eating properly with a knife and fork. ^^
Looked for a Five for Fighting album and didn't find any. Didn't want to ask the shopkeeper either. He looked scary. Actually, all shopkeepers look scary. And the shop was so empty, that was scary too. >< When I went to the new computer store between Muee and Sportslink, it was even worse, because there was the shopkeeper and one other person with dyed hair. Looking jjang. I don't like scary people.
I clung onto my dad the whole way. T_T And insisted we go home early so I could come online. In the end I feel asleep on the bed while waiting for my damned heater. Luckily my dad came upstairs and woke me before I could really sleep till next morning. Ack.
My left eye's weird today. Feels swollen yet it's not. And it's so so t-i-r-e-d. Why my left eye only and not both? I don't know. I even increased my screen resolution to 1024 x 768. Things look bigger and more comfortable now. Hehe.
I still have to study Geography. DIEDIEDIE, SHERWOOD. Why must we have a test this Friday, a week earlier? It's so unfairrrr. T_T Okay, okay, I admit, it isn't a lot. But it's ONE EXTRA SUBJECT. That means 3 tests next week. Oh well, that's just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it? I can't wait for Sec 4 to END!
*pause* I take that back. I do not look forward to going on for tertiary education. It places me in a difficult situation, a step I will be FORCED to take. I want to stay in my cosy nest and hide from the world and only be aware of what I choose to be.
That's running away, isn't it? ;;_;;
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Looked for a Five for Fighting album and didn't find any. Didn't want to ask the shopkeeper either. He looked scary. Actually, all shopkeepers look scary. And the shop was so empty, that was scary too. >< When I went to the new computer store between Muee and Sportslink, it was even worse, because there was the shopkeeper and one other person with dyed hair. Looking jjang. I don't like scary people.
I clung onto my dad the whole way. T_T And insisted we go home early so I could come online. In the end I feel asleep on the bed while waiting for my damned heater. Luckily my dad came upstairs and woke me before I could really sleep till next morning. Ack.
My left eye's weird today. Feels swollen yet it's not. And it's so so t-i-r-e-d. Why my left eye only and not both? I don't know. I even increased my screen resolution to 1024 x 768. Things look bigger and more comfortable now. Hehe.
I still have to study Geography. DIEDIEDIE, SHERWOOD. Why must we have a test this Friday, a week earlier? It's so unfairrrr. T_T Okay, okay, I admit, it isn't a lot. But it's ONE EXTRA SUBJECT. That means 3 tests next week. Oh well, that's just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it? I can't wait for Sec 4 to END!
*pause* I take that back. I do not look forward to going on for tertiary education. It places me in a difficult situation, a step I will be FORCED to take. I want to stay in my cosy nest and hide from the world and only be aware of what I choose to be.
That's running away, isn't it? ;;_;;
Checkmated @08:31
Guess I should post something, even though there isn't much to write about. I'm not going to meet the CTSS people anymore. Because Dawn and Yingwan are not going. I won't go there... along. T_T And face odd people. Not that I don't know them, but I'm not comfortable with them.
I have an irrational fear of people whom I am not familiar with. Everything has to be within my comfort zone, or I will balk. I am so in need of this sense of security I padlock myself in this web of familiarity, and would not extract myself out of it without going down fighting.
I've touched on this topic in the previous post. But I shall say it again. On Friday, if I wasn't mistaken, a friend asked me out for a movie and a go at the ice skating rink. I turned her down. I don't know why I did that. A few reasons that I could dish out were that 1. I wanted to study on Saturday. 2. I was too lazy to go out. But the reason I didn't want to go was that whenever I'm in public areas (i.e. not at home or in school), I feel that I am not myself, that I behave differently, that I put on a mask, and this is done so unconciously that I feel so exhausted when I return home. So wound up like a spring. And I don't like behaving in ways other than what I am and who I am. That is one reason. And the other. She used to be a friend I could be at ease with. But now, we hardly get to see each other. We're still good friends and we can laugh and joke and do silly things, but I am no longer as close to her as I was before. And she is so different from me. So street-wise, so clever, so musically talented and respected.
You know, I see my friends being so chummy and close and having all that awesome fun out of school. And in my heart, I want to join in, I want to experience all of that, too. It's not as if I'm not invited to these "outings" or "gatherings". But I refuse, for the reasons above, and yet I am still looking upon them with certain reverence. And it's all my fault. I have trapped myself in a corner, I am checkmated.
But I am totally at home, at ease with my friends in class, and on my own. I can be myself, behave in whatever way I like, because they know how I will behave. They understand me. Or at least, to a certain extent.
And I like that.
I don't like attracting attention.
I want to stay in my camouflaged forest and keep my low profile.
And then I'm happy.
But sometimes circumstances don't permit that.
Life doesn't go in a direction which you want it to.
0 comments
I have an irrational fear of people whom I am not familiar with. Everything has to be within my comfort zone, or I will balk. I am so in need of this sense of security I padlock myself in this web of familiarity, and would not extract myself out of it without going down fighting.
I've touched on this topic in the previous post. But I shall say it again. On Friday, if I wasn't mistaken, a friend asked me out for a movie and a go at the ice skating rink. I turned her down. I don't know why I did that. A few reasons that I could dish out were that 1. I wanted to study on Saturday. 2. I was too lazy to go out. But the reason I didn't want to go was that whenever I'm in public areas (i.e. not at home or in school), I feel that I am not myself, that I behave differently, that I put on a mask, and this is done so unconciously that I feel so exhausted when I return home. So wound up like a spring. And I don't like behaving in ways other than what I am and who I am. That is one reason. And the other. She used to be a friend I could be at ease with. But now, we hardly get to see each other. We're still good friends and we can laugh and joke and do silly things, but I am no longer as close to her as I was before. And she is so different from me. So street-wise, so clever, so musically talented and respected.
You know, I see my friends being so chummy and close and having all that awesome fun out of school. And in my heart, I want to join in, I want to experience all of that, too. It's not as if I'm not invited to these "outings" or "gatherings". But I refuse, for the reasons above, and yet I am still looking upon them with certain reverence. And it's all my fault. I have trapped myself in a corner, I am checkmated.
But I am totally at home, at ease with my friends in class, and on my own. I can be myself, behave in whatever way I like, because they know how I will behave. They understand me. Or at least, to a certain extent.
And I like that.
I don't like attracting attention.
I want to stay in my camouflaged forest and keep my low profile.
And then I'm happy.
But sometimes circumstances don't permit that.
Life doesn't go in a direction which you want it to.
02 February, 2004
New Beginning @08:47
That was fast, remodelling. Took a night and this morning. I just hope I can catch all the bugs and rectify them.
Digressing, the word "rectify" always reminds me of "rectum". Hmm. Anyway.
If you do spot any 404s or dead links or ugly pictures or whatnot, please do tell me. That way those nasty bugs can be fixed up faster.
I've cleared everything on my server. Not that MOH didn't do that for me already. I tried uploading a backup I had, but it was too damned old to be of much use. I still have SOME archived entries. Not from 18 Dec - 09 Jan though. All gone. ALL GONE! *sobs*
Yeah. So went to Kinokuniya yesterday and bought books! There's one called Hyperspace. It's this book discussing the theory of parallel universes and whatnot. Interesting. And another called "Lyra's Oxford", a companion to "His Dark Materials"! *squeal* I bought it on the spot. AHHH! Talking about HDM, I'm going to buy the whole trilogy for keeps. I saw this version, Knopff or Collins, I can't remember. When you put the three books together, the spines spell "His Dark Materials". And the cover's all embossed and everything. WOW. And I bought another book I read before in the school library. It's called "Red Sky in the Morning", and it's about a girl and her disabled baby brother. It was rather good.
Yeah, and I've been spending my 4-day weekend SO FRUITFULLY. *sarcasm* Been on the computer ALLLL day. And going to meet up with CTSS people tomorrow. Frankly, I don't want to go. I want to stay at home and rot and watch Tao Zhe on TV. I'm such a bad friend, you know. People ask me out, and I refuse. Yet I complain that they have all the fun and I don't. It's a vicious circle, going round and round...
0 comments
Digressing, the word "rectify" always reminds me of "rectum". Hmm. Anyway.
If you do spot any 404s or dead links or ugly pictures or whatnot, please do tell me. That way those nasty bugs can be fixed up faster.
I've cleared everything on my server. Not that MOH didn't do that for me already. I tried uploading a backup I had, but it was too damned old to be of much use. I still have SOME archived entries. Not from 18 Dec - 09 Jan though. All gone. ALL GONE! *sobs*
Yeah. So went to Kinokuniya yesterday and bought books! There's one called Hyperspace. It's this book discussing the theory of parallel universes and whatnot. Interesting. And another called "Lyra's Oxford", a companion to "His Dark Materials"! *squeal* I bought it on the spot. AHHH! Talking about HDM, I'm going to buy the whole trilogy for keeps. I saw this version, Knopff or Collins, I can't remember. When you put the three books together, the spines spell "His Dark Materials". And the cover's all embossed and everything. WOW. And I bought another book I read before in the school library. It's called "Red Sky in the Morning", and it's about a girl and her disabled baby brother. It was rather good.
Yeah, and I've been spending my 4-day weekend SO FRUITFULLY. *sarcasm* Been on the computer ALLLL day. And going to meet up with CTSS people tomorrow. Frankly, I don't want to go. I want to stay at home and rot and watch Tao Zhe on TV. I'm such a bad friend, you know. People ask me out, and I refuse. Yet I complain that they have all the fun and I don't. It's a vicious circle, going round and round...
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