03 February, 2004
Guess I should post something, even though there isn't much to write about. I'm not going to meet the CTSS people anymore. Because Dawn and Yingwan are not going. I won't go there... along. T_T And face odd people. Not that I don't know them, but I'm not comfortable with them.
I have an irrational fear of people whom I am not familiar with. Everything has to be within my comfort zone, or I will balk. I am so in need of this sense of security I padlock myself in this web of familiarity, and would not extract myself out of it without going down fighting.
I've touched on this topic in the previous post. But I shall say it again. On Friday, if I wasn't mistaken, a friend asked me out for a movie and a go at the ice skating rink. I turned her down. I don't know why I did that. A few reasons that I could dish out were that 1. I wanted to study on Saturday. 2. I was too lazy to go out. But the reason I didn't want to go was that whenever I'm in public areas (i.e. not at home or in school), I feel that I am not myself, that I behave differently, that I put on a mask, and this is done so unconciously that I feel so exhausted when I return home. So wound up like a spring. And I don't like behaving in ways other than what I am and who I am. That is one reason. And the other. She used to be a friend I could be at ease with. But now, we hardly get to see each other. We're still good friends and we can laugh and joke and do silly things, but I am no longer as close to her as I was before. And she is so different from me. So street-wise, so clever, so musically talented and respected.
You know, I see my friends being so chummy and close and having all that awesome fun out of school. And in my heart, I want to join in, I want to experience all of that, too. It's not as if I'm not invited to these "outings" or "gatherings". But I refuse, for the reasons above, and yet I am still looking upon them with certain reverence. And it's all my fault. I have trapped myself in a corner, I am checkmated.
But I am totally at home, at ease with my friends in class, and on my own. I can be myself, behave in whatever way I like, because they know how I will behave. They understand me. Or at least, to a certain extent.
And I like that.
I don't like attracting attention.
I want to stay in my camouflaged forest and keep my low profile.
And then I'm happy.
But sometimes circumstances don't permit that.
Life doesn't go in a direction which you want it to.
I have an irrational fear of people whom I am not familiar with. Everything has to be within my comfort zone, or I will balk. I am so in need of this sense of security I padlock myself in this web of familiarity, and would not extract myself out of it without going down fighting.
I've touched on this topic in the previous post. But I shall say it again. On Friday, if I wasn't mistaken, a friend asked me out for a movie and a go at the ice skating rink. I turned her down. I don't know why I did that. A few reasons that I could dish out were that 1. I wanted to study on Saturday. 2. I was too lazy to go out. But the reason I didn't want to go was that whenever I'm in public areas (i.e. not at home or in school), I feel that I am not myself, that I behave differently, that I put on a mask, and this is done so unconciously that I feel so exhausted when I return home. So wound up like a spring. And I don't like behaving in ways other than what I am and who I am. That is one reason. And the other. She used to be a friend I could be at ease with. But now, we hardly get to see each other. We're still good friends and we can laugh and joke and do silly things, but I am no longer as close to her as I was before. And she is so different from me. So street-wise, so clever, so musically talented and respected.
You know, I see my friends being so chummy and close and having all that awesome fun out of school. And in my heart, I want to join in, I want to experience all of that, too. It's not as if I'm not invited to these "outings" or "gatherings". But I refuse, for the reasons above, and yet I am still looking upon them with certain reverence. And it's all my fault. I have trapped myself in a corner, I am checkmated.
But I am totally at home, at ease with my friends in class, and on my own. I can be myself, behave in whatever way I like, because they know how I will behave. They understand me. Or at least, to a certain extent.
And I like that.
I don't like attracting attention.
I want to stay in my camouflaged forest and keep my low profile.
And then I'm happy.
But sometimes circumstances don't permit that.
Life doesn't go in a direction which you want it to.
08:31 / 0 comment(s) 