qian (altessa), girl, 20, bespectacled, sci-fi, bookworm, more? aprilesque is version 7, photoshop7, original art, get your own, more? 5TORM Kathy, Dawn, Yingwan, Weiqi 05S34 class blog, Hui Fang, Jason, Poh Wei, Rachel, Wei Jie, You Jin, Yvette, Zirui friends Wen Lin, Natalie, Elyse, SozoS, Sam archives When browsing through the archives, please keep in mind that they are pieces of who I was, not who I am. People grow, people change, and I am only human. go? lyrics Hotspur - Heads/Tails, Stars of Track and Field - End of All Time, Dashboard Confessional - Hell On The Throat

I've been waiting all day long to write in here, telling the whole world how happy I was. Haven't I learned anything over the past year? About disappointment? About hurt? About fear? Obviously not. I went too high and I must fall down, hard.

I was so happy. Well, had tuition yesterday, and actually talked to some people. Made friends, essentially, and that's good. Today jogged two rounds with Ying Wan on my own initiative. Happy about that too. And had lots of nonsensical fun with Meow, Ying Wan, Dawn and Wei Qi over recess yesterday. And hung around and acted goofy. Though we had a geography test that was horribly horrible, the day still held its own luminosity, a hint and glimmer of hope.

Until.

Choir was really fine and great. Today we sang the songs "The Prayer" and "Let the River Run", which I think are really nice. And I had my senior guide me, and that's good, because I like it when people correct my mistakes. And I was happy.

And they were choosing people to do a song recording. And I wasn't chosen. And you say, it's such a trivial matter, why let it damper your spirits? No one knows how much singing matters to me. I know I don't sing well, but how WOULD you react if someone said that you sucked blatently in your face? Okay. I'm exaggerating -- as usual. But it felt like that. It felt as if they were telling me: sorry, your voice sucks, and we can't comprimise on anything. We want only the best for the recording, and you're just not it.

So okay, I'm taking things too hard -- as usual. Am I so predictable? I almost cried. Well, I didn't, if not I'd be too embarrassed to do anything except hole myself in my bed and hide from the world.

Why wouldn't anyone tell me the TRUTH? Pamela was like no, I think you're good, and I say, doing well in warm-ups doesn't mean you sing well, and then I forgot what she said. I had to just SHUT UP to stop myself from crying, you know? I can't cry now. Parents are home and they will question, and then label me as mentally deficit and pack me off to see some psychiatrist.

I'm sorry.

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I cause too much
Hurt too much
Sorrow too much
Pain.

Came back from tuition about an hour ago. Well, it wasn't that bad. Had lots of laughs until I almost cried. Oh, and my hand cramped from writing too much. Oh well.

I applied for a Phlogger, but they'll process my registration "within a week".

ANND I've written my persuasive speech, and I think it's rather good myself, but I won't post it up here yet, 'cos it's not the final draft. =)

ANND(#2) I took pictures! And I think they're really good too! I'll post them up tomorrow or something. Or when I feel like it. I'm too lazy to fire up FTP and upload everything.

So yeah, I'm in a good mood today. =) Happy happy me. I wish it would remain so for the next hour.

Sometimes I wished that no one read this, but at other times, I wish they did. I don't know why. I mean, the things I write in here are rather personal, stuff that I wouldn't talk about in school. Okay, not all of the things, but some are. And really, I don't mind people reading them. And it's not like I'm out ooking for a pityfest or anything.

I'm contradicting myself.

Anyway.

I have a terrible throbbing headache. It is consuming my entire being. Oh well. I feel like sleeping, but I can't. I just can't can't can't can't go to sleep. Can't. Go. To. Sleep. Must. Stay. Awake.

Yeah. Lyk, w4d3v3r, d00d. *sigh* I can't think of a good topic to base my persuasive speech on. Oh FUCK. Sorry, had to curse. But I spent a lot of time thinking (yeah, RIGHT) and I can't come up with anything less lame then "why we must save paper".

Oh gee, I'm going through this whole bout of self pity and all that shit again. Just ignore me, okay? I'll get over it soon enough.

Oh, and hunger gnaws. Remember that.

Okay, my dad's going to bring home the digital camera tomorrow so I can take more spiffy pictures. Ahah! Yes, and incorporate them into my new layout... er, project. >.< Darn. *looks around* Anyone notice anything queer? Not? Okay. ^.^;

Anyway. Chinese test tomorrow, and I DIDN'T BRING BACK THE STUFF I COPIED. And I had to do it all over again, wasting two hours of precious time (aren't I wasting time now?) when I could have been memorizing. Oh well.

I'm supposed to study for geography after chinese, but I don't feel like it. *sigh* I'll have to force myself to, though, if not I'll never get the studying done.

You know what's so ironic? During the weekday I yearn for weekend to come, yet when weekend draws near I want to be as far away from it as possible. Yes, because of tuition. ERGH. And I haven't done my tuition homework. HELLO? I can barely FINISH my school homework and you want to pile more SHIT on me? What kind of crap is that.

YEARGH! (I'm making so many excalmations, aren't I?) So many mosquitoes. I don't see them, but I feel them... *glances cautiously around* Darh. *scratches itch*

Oh yeah. Persuasive speech. Gosh... I will never get ANYTHING done! *cry*

Well, things have been picking up a little, although choir did cause a little damper on my spirits. I've been studying, and for the first time, I stayed up till 2am to do CONSTRUCTIVE WORK! W0w! Ahem.

So yeah. Ironically, I have SO MUCH WORK to do over the weekend. And it's not even weekend yet. *dies* I'll start tomorrow, or perhaps today. I have a math test tomorrow which I am NOT prepared for, and a chinese test on Friday which I have only studied half of, and even then, I don't even have a very good grasp of what I have already "studied". So blah.

AND I have a geography test next Tuesday on the WHOLE of the chapter on agriculture... Market gardening, high-tech farming, green revolution, etc...

Okay. I'll stop complaining. XD I'm in a good mood today, although I wasn't before. I don't know why I act so cranky and bad-moodish before tuition. It's not as if they PICK on me or anything. I'm like, the smartest person there (egoego! okay, maybe not, but I finish the exercises first anyway), and everyone pretty much just leaves me alone which is perfectly fine with me.

I need to work on my attitude.

Whenever I read people's blogs, I find that everyone has actually SOMETHING to write about! And I... well, unfortunately (or fortunately?) don't have much to say. I shall crap about my tuition then.

Was the first to arrive as usual, though I was late. Our class has a bad habit of being late. Um, switched on the air-con for the benefit of everyone, then sat down to begin daydreaming before class began. We did revision for linear inequalities which was SO LUCKY because I fell asleep while trying to study maths this afternoon. Oh yeah, and that was the reason why I was so cranky, because tuition was at 645pm and my mum practically screamed at me to wake up (from downstairs) at about 620pm and I totally FREAKED because I hadn't eaten dinner. Oh, and dinner downright sucked. I had to restrain myself from commenting. But it didn't really matter anyway, 'cos I left soon.

So ANYWAY, I feel hardworking because I used all my spare time in tuition to do revision for the chapter on variations. I did the whole review questions 7 of the textbook... I hope that prepares me effectively though.

Well, I better go off soon. Have to study chinese. Bleurgh. Oh, and Zhuang STILL hasn't given us ting1 xie3 yet. That sucks, because I'm all prepared for it and I want to practice chapter 11 and 12 before the test.

Tuition sucks. But it's this endless torture that I cannot escape from. I have to go to it later, dragging my unwilling carcass across two busy roads at my peril to reach the stupid tuition centre.

But I can't deny that it isn't helping me. It is. But as you know, I am the procrastination kween, and not to mention the one to top the list for top ten lazy bums. Oh, and not to mention, I won a prize (not) for being the world's most efficient slacker (oxymoron!).

I have not studied. And I have two more chinese compositions to do, one of which I have planned out, and the other I have no idea what to write about. Perhaps I'm out of touch with current affairs, but I really don't know what to say about the US-Iraq war at all. Heck, I'm just a frog living in a well.

I realise that most of my life revolves around schoolwork, TV and the computer. Now how pathetic is that? Oh well. I'll survive, somehow. There's school tomorrow though -- such a pity.

I bet everyone is at home now, working their asses off their butts. Or was it their butts off their asses? I kind of forget. But here I am, typing away at the computer wiling away my time, waiting for tuition to arrive and leave me tired and mentally drained after 3 hours of nonsensical talk.

Dear me. It's almost 1030hrs. Tuition's at 1330, and that leaves me with 3 hours more. I guess I'll be taking about 0030hrs to eat, and that leaves me with 0230hrs left to do nothing. Betting that i have 15 min more on the 'net, so that leaves me with 0215 hours to do my homework, unless I come online again. Oh blah.

I guess I'll go read and slack and whatever. I haven't even done my homework, and I don't really care. Meh.

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Oh, and I forgot one very important thing I was about to say: I suck.

Right! I said it. That's like, the phrase of the week. Or the month. Or the year. Or forever.

But you know, I have problems expressing myself in words. I feel so hurt inside, yet I can't say anything about it. I don't want anyone to know how I feel, is that bad? I don't want them to know anything, because they will get hurt in turn, and then everyone will end up feeling shitty and it's all because of ME. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. Everything's because of me. Everything that happens is because of me. Everything that goes WRONG is my fault.

Shut up. I shan't say anymore before I yell at everyone in the entire universe.

I'm not making sense, am I? Well, I shall leave you all with one more parting phrase: you suck.

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t's the things people say that make me so trigger-happy all the time. But I shan't say who said what. I'd be making more people feel worse, won't it? But I'm in a good mood now, and I shan't spoil it.

Actually tuition class isn't as bad as I make it out to be, but I still hate it. And I have 3 hours of A Maths tomorrow. Darn. AND 3 hours of E Maths on Wednesday. Gee.

And did I mention, I hate people? Yeah. I mean, I hate having to talk to people whom I barely know. And you say, shouldn't I go ahead and MAKE FRIENDS? But oh, we forget: Qian doesn't make friends too good.

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